Haunt my imagination (A Poem)

Silence

Darkness

Solitude.

So many wants,

but yet so many

fears

loneliness

lies.

Tiny lies

that haunt my imagination.

Must not bring myself down,

I can do whatever I can

believe.

Believe in myself,

the rest will follow.

Joy

happiness

perfection….

©Amanda Catherine 

Troubles (A Poem)

I'm to troubled

To bother to be what I strive be.

I'm to angry at my life

to see where I fit in this world.

I'm to self conscious

to see the beauty that

may lye within me and

I'm to lost to find myself.

Maybe it's my lack if trying

or my fear of the happiness

that would come my way.

I fear to be happy,

I just run away.
I run away
from things

That bring me joy.

I need to change.

No more running,

no more fear.

Just me the way I want to be,

the way I need to be.

©Amanda Catherine

Rose Petals (A Poem)

Look at all the rose petals on the ground.

They fall from broken hearts,

that couldn't hold on any longer.

A reflection of a shooting star passes over

that makes far hope grow near,

a hope of romance and compassion

that makes each petal part of one rose,

that all can hold near.

It may reflect the past

and what it could have been,

but you know that it is better this way.

Lost to love

and completing a simple rose

that you can surrender your everything to.

©Amanda Catherine

You Are (A Poem)

You're fat,

you're thin,

you're emotional

you're an eating disorder.

You're sad,

you're depressed,

you're alone.

You're a mystery.

You walk alone

down the streets 

of people

that feel the same. 

You avoid eye contact,

No one understands

why you act this way.

You look at your feet

sigh.

Everyone is talking about you

right?

People walk past you

make you feel invisible.

They are getting 

into your head.

But you are doing

 the same to them.

We all just walk

on by,

no one understands

or cares. 

We are to busy

in our lives

to be. 

©Amanda Catherine

Regret (A Poem)

A little lost,

A little alone.

I've never been able

To call this life my own.

Nowhere to run to,

Nowhere to hide.

I wish I could show these

Feelings that are bursting inside.

I've failed more than I have won,

It's hard to believe all

That I have never done.

Regrets shadow my every thought.

I wish I could change who I am

To who I want to be.

I am sick of being this

Person who is not me.

©Amanda Catherine

Shattered (A Poem)

To much to think about,

Can't sleep.

To much to write about,

Won't sleep.

My head is turning,

my thoughts begin to wander.

I want to be a good person,

make my life matter.

To bad my self esteem is shattered.

Shattered to what feels like

the point of no repair.

I hope someone will read this

and they will see,

oh how things are meant to be.

No one should ever feel alone,

rejected and tossed aside in a crowd.

Thinking, when will I fit in?

Thinking, how do I fit in?

©Amanda Catherine

Fading into the Shadows (A Poem)

Cast in the shadows

I will stay

until I fade away.

Yet still I wonder

how much longer?

Does it even bother.

I will never live

to the standard

of anyone else.

Yet I still wonder

should I even try

or just fade into

my emotions that are inside.

No one can hurt me here

seems like a good place to stay

I will let myself fade away.

Fade into what everyone expects

while I try to forget.

Forget what I have become,

the person that you think I should be

instead of being my own true me.

I’m getting to the point where

I am ready to explode,

there is so much pain inside

waiting to be exposed.

I want to be noticed

even with my own true flaws

not lost,

from everyone’s sight

until I get it right.

I want to live my life

for all to see.

No more being cast

in someone else’s shadow

I am here,

I am ready to be seen

seen for the real me.

 ©Amanda Catherine

Dancing in the rain (updated)

Splashing in the puddles
we dance in the rain.
Jumping and laughing
it feels like we could
do this all day.

Dancing reminds us
of how happy life can be.
Flashes of lightning
glimmer from the sky
and we dance
we dance to forget.
To forget the pain as we
let the rain wash it away.

We splash
with flowers in our hair
a reminder of the
beauty that is held within us.
We dance.

©Amanda Catherine

A Better Me (A Poem)

You must be perfect. 

You must hide your flaws,

Hide you personality,

Hide yourself

Why is this? 

I'd rather be imperfect,

more of a story. 

Stories behind every scar

every lost dream. 

My life has never gone 

how I wanted it to. 

Never planned. 

But it has led me here. 

I am a better writer,

a better thinker

a better person.

Better then what I was

A better me. 

©Amanda Catherine 

Eyes (A Poem)

While looking in the mirror, 

Tell me what you see. 

Are those eyes telling stories 

of what could never be.

Your thoughts are gone,

Is everything lost? 

Memories come in,

I should have never done this.

Where are my friends now? 

Less than forgotten 

I travel alone,

My life is all my own.

Along this path I travel off course

With nothing but remorse.

Back on track and

now I see

All of what's in front of me.

A new beginning,

A new past.

All of which I never

Thought I would see

©Amanda Catherine

Where Friendship Goes Wrong: A True Story: Eating Disorder Struggles

Anna is sitting alone in the lunch room during her free period staring at her doughnut and coffee her mom bought her for breakfast. More often than not this is what Anna ate all day until dinner. As she puts her head on the table and looks to the side over at her breakfast she starts poking it and putting the glaze bits in her mouth. As she closes her eyes for a second she opens them and there stands Lincoln. She starts picking up the doughnut crumbles trying to make it look like she wasn't doing what she was doing. He takes a seat across from her in the booth that she is in. She glares at him and stares at him. She doesn't trust him, as far as she is concerned this is to close for comfort with him, He continues to sit in silence looking at her. Her eyes swimming in blue were trying to drown him with all the regrets she carries with her everyday. "What do you want" she says "It's not like I have even seen you in a while so what, you transferred schools...why are you here?" Smiling he still doesn't say anything. He was obviously trying to mess with her. "Well?!" she says as she starts to get really irritated. I'm waiting for my mom to finish up with Ashley's teachers because not that you care but she is failing in school" he says. "Join the fucking club" she says. "Well I better go" he says as he starts to get up. "Also your looking a bit chubby so I wouldn't eat that if I were you" he continues. 

As Lincoln leaves Anna realizes the time and starts to head up to the 2nd floor where her counselor is. She figured she should at least try it once. When she walks into the office it looks like a janitor closet it is so tiny. Attempting to get situated the counselor starts asking her questions, all of which she did not expect. About 40 minutes goes by and Anna finds herself leaving but she doesn't remember anything that she talked about. She starts heading down the hall past the drama room and up the stairs to the 4th floor when she falls to the floor and passes out in front of her marine biology class. No one was in the class or hallways because everyone is at lunch. Her teacher heard her fall and looks out her door to see what happened. Anna is trying to talk but cannot get out much of anything. Her teacher grabs her gets her inside the classroom and starts to help her. Laying on the ground Anna sees her teacher running around trying to find any sort of food she has in her desk. She runs back over to Anna and says "you didn't eat all day again didn't you." All Anna can get out is some random words that make no sense. Eventually Anna gets to the point to where she can sit in a chair with her head between her knees. Her teacher brings over a ton of random snacks for her. She says "You should go for the candy first, it has the most sugar and then work down to the others." "Why are you doing this for me?" Anna says. "I've been watching you for a while" her teacher, Mrs. Jensen says. "You don't eat a lot and you often look pale. I've been planning for this to happen for a while since you spend your lunch hour in here." She adds. "Well it's convenient since you are my next class" Anna says. "It's only convenient because you never eat" Mrs Jensen says. "I'm to fat to eat" Anna whispers while staring at the floor. "What mean boy told you that" she replies. Anna laughs and says "You have no idea. I'm starting to feel better though so thank you." I'm not leaving you alone until you finish everything I gave you" Mrs Jensen insists. As soon as Anna would finish one snack there Mrs Jensen would be with another one. "Look you finally have color in your face" Mrs Jensen exclaims. Not knowing what to say Anna just shakes her head and smiles. 

Later in the evening after the screaming from her parents stopped, she put on her favorite CD and made up her own choreographed dance to amuse herself. Her mom didn't want to pay for her classes anymore so Anna had to find ways to keep up with it all by herself. Night is the best time of day she writes in her notebook.

<3

©AmandaCatherine

Where Friendship Goes Wrong: A True Story: Friends With Benefits 2

It was getting pretty obvious that the feelings were not mutual between Remy and Anna. She was really starting to like him but he just wants pictures and when she did not deliver he would stop talking to her. Anna, really needing someone to talk to would cave just so she could have something to look forward to. It wasn't much, but it is keeping her distracted from everything else going on around her. Even Brian and her other guitar friends could tell that there was something different going on with her. Brian started letting her lean her head on his shoulder in guitar class and he will always put his arm around her. This is about the only time Anna felt safe and calm enough to fall asleep. 

While she is in guitar class she passes out on the floor with Brian's backpack as a pillow and his hoodie as a blanket. The background noise from all the instruments normally annoy her, but today she found them quite calming. Anna always leaves her phone next to her face so that she would hear it and today was no different. Just like every other day at 2 pm Anna would get a text from Remy asking for something she never wanted to deliver. She was to passed out that she never even heard it but Brian picked it up and saw everything that was going on between them and all of her friends. Worried, he took it upon himself to tell the only other person he knew she trusts, her guitar teacher. As Anna starts to leave the classroom he pulls her aside and starts talking to her about what is going on. She is so disorganized that her unfinished homework is pouring out of her backpack as she walks in his office. She didn't quite get what was going on but he kept asking her why she let all of this linger on. It wasn't to long before more of hervteachers come in. "What's going on" she says, her guitar teacher, Mr. Montgomery tells her everything that Brian had told him. She didn't know whether to feel happy or upset that he took it upon himself to tell him. She takes a seat and wraps her backpack with suicidal poems on it in Brian's old hoodie he let her have. The more they didn't know about everything the better she is. They ask her a bunch of questions about her home life and school life and Anna tries as hard as she can to cover up everything. According to her everything was fine, it isn't like most of them care anyways. As they all looked at her with pity eyes she knew that they know something so she starts to get up and leave. "We want you to start seeing a school counselor, we have you scheduled for a few days this week" says Mr Montgomery. "And if I don't go" she says. "Well you'll only be hurting yourself more" Mr. Montgomery responds. Anna starts to get teary eyed because she knows she was messed up, but doesn't want to be. She thanks them for their time, gets the counseling times and leaves.  

A few days pass by and she hasn't seen Brian. She is starting to get worried but then Brian texts her and says "Sorry...:(" She could be mad at everyone else but she always has a hard time being mad at him. So she texts him back ":)". A few seconds go by and she gets a text from Remy that says "What did you forget about me? Also have you heard of Pearl Jam, I'm really starting to like them." Anna tells him that she no longer wants to do what they have been doing, that it has been causing her to much stress. She just wants to have a friend that she can talk to with out the added pressure of sexting. He doesn't say anything for a few hours and then writes back "well that's fine I guess you just let me know when you ready to start again". Anna is amazed, she stood up for herself  and said no and nothing bad came from it. She has no idea what to think.

©Amanda Catherine