Suffocating ( A Poem)

 It's been a bit... Let's see if I even remember how to write. 

I'm stuck in nighttime

With you,

Myself. 

What am I supposed

To do? 

No distractions,

A reality I

Must face. 

My life feels

All over the place.

I'm lost inside

My head

That sometimes,

Thinks

I'll be 

Better off 

Dead. 

Sometimes

This world is

To much

To take, 

With my emotions 

All over the place. 

My thoughts

Are full

Of despair. 

I feel like 

I'm drowning,

 suffocating. 

I need to 

Come up

For air. 

©️Amanda Catherine

Expectations (A Poem)

Easy,
Breezy,
Beautiful,
Childhood.
Or so they
Call it.
Until you
Realize
You'll never
Live up to
The expectations
People place
On you.
More importantly
On Yourself.

©️ Amanda Catherine

Dark (A Poem)

Walking with a
Friend in the dark
Is better than
Walking alone
In the light,
Or so they say.
But friends will
Walk away either way.
You can feel them
Next to you,
Or so it seems,
But then
It hits you,
You've been walking
All this way alone,
And they were
Never right
Beside you.

©️ Amanda Catherine

Little Scars: Chapter 4: Just A Little More Time

    Becca stands alone, because deep down she really is alone. It felt like everyone was against her. She asks Holly one more time

    "Who was that"? Holly rolls her eyes,

    "You wouldn't like the answer" she mumbles softly. Becca pins her against the wall and starts demanding answers, she had to know where her daughter was going and more importantly who with and... why. Holly starts laughing

    "You really are trying to hide you past aren't you? she says.

Becca steps back and puts her hands to her head in frustration,

    "I am not that person anymore!" She screams.

Silence and stares from everyone fill the air. Becca backs away and turns around and runs out the hotel lobby door. She falls to her knees and starts crying, she can't believe that this is happening all over again. She had run from this life, but it was always one step ahead of her. She has to find Ava, but she was running out of options and time.

    Ava gets out of the car and looks around. Her kidnapper stands next to her.

    "I never wanted to come back here" she says.

    "It was time" he says.

    "By the way my name is Ed" he says.

    "Such a simple name for a man who is claiming to be my worst nightmare" she says as she is smiling and walking away. She knew where she was, but the question that needed to be answered was why? Why after all these years was she brought back to here. The place that defined her in a way she hated. She looks up at the large brick building and sighs as she reads the sign "Belladonna Center for Lost Souls." She looks at her feet and kicks a rock into the building, she is frustrated and her mom is in the back of her mind. Ed starts to approach her as she slowly walk away, avoiding the inevitable was the only thing she could do at this point. Ed follow behind her and says

    "We can do this the hard way or the easy way, either way you will end up behind those walls  again."

    "I am just enjoying my last moments of solitude" she says.

    "Times up" he say as he grabs her and pulls her aggressively into the building. She looks back as the door slams behind her, the last view of sunshine she will get to see in a while.

©Amanda Catherine

Pretend (A Poem)

You made me feel bad
For something I
Didn't do.
You act like the victim
But are you really?

You are a manipulator
You can't control yourself
You lied,
Made me believe
You were something special
But you aren't.
I had faith in you,
Faith that you could
Be better than the
Look you put on.
I was wrong.

In a way I'm happy
That we no longer talk.
Happy that you
Go caught.
Happy that you
Have to explain yourself.
Happy that I don't
Have to pretend
Because this is
The end.

©Amanda Catherine

Time (A Poem)

Tick, tick, tick,
Time keeps going.
Pacing back and forth
Nervous racing.
Nothing would make him
More happy than
For time to stop.

This moment is more
Than he can take.
Reality hit him hard
And consequences
Are soon to come.
No one expected
This to happen.

All of the sudden
His life turned dark.
He lost all
he had ever
Known to some
Stupid mistake.
He can't take
It back now.
His only love
Was gone.

©Amanda Catherine

Open Arms (A Poem)

It's been 28 years
Since I met you.
You welcomed me
Into this world with
Open arms.
Now I must
say goodbye to you
With open arms.

You showed me what
It meant love and
All the different ways
To have fun.
My life is going to
Be so much different
Without you here
With me.

My mind is gone.
I can't stop crying,
I just lie in bed
And imagine
Your image,
Your touch,
Your voice
Your laugh
And all the memories we share.

I want you back with me
But instead I fade
Back into reality of
What will never be. 

 

©️Amanda Catherine

Some Random Thoughts...

I am going to talk about something that I have never really talked about. You all read my posts and got to know my life, in ways most haven't been able to. I feel like I can open up on here and hopefully not get to much hate.

I've been thinking a lot about death lately, mainly because my grandpa is currently in hospice. It's amazing how fast life can go and how nothing ever really lasts forever.

Currently I have been battling with chronic depression and anxiety. When I was sexually assaulted my parents didn't do to much for me help wise... so the depression just gradually got worse and worse. Once I was an adult I was to embarrassed to admit to myself much less others that I was battling depression. I wanted to be as strong as everyone thought I was, even though I did not feel strong myself.


I started running away from my problems and acting like I was totally fine, even though deep down I wasn't and I am not sure I ever really was. I pushed everyone away who was close to me because it was to much to handle. If you notice in my poetry it is always about running, leaving or being alone, that is because that is seriously how I felt. I felt like I had to do or be those things. All my poetry is about life experiences, poetry became the one outlet that I could hold on and still hold on to. I have no other way to express my true feelings besides writing, so thank you guys for reading and hopefully relating to them.

I wish I was different a lot. I have never been comfortable in my own skin. When I was younger I was the weird one that everyone made fun of, until I started doing stupid things just to fit in. It worked, until I lost sight of who I really was. By the time I realized this I was to far gone and tangled in a web of high school drama with everything else I have talked about.

I don't really know why I wrote this, but maybe you all will have more of an insight about who I am and why my poetry and writings are sometimes so sad.

<3
Amanda

Real (A Poem)

I try so hard to be me
but the real me has yet
to even be found.
I walk around like
I know what I am doing
but the reality is
I have no idea.
I just hope no one notices

Notices that I am an insecure,
hopeless, pessimistic that
is just trying to
get by in the world.
With the world at
my fingertips,
turning away at
opportunities
and chances
because that is
what I think I deserve.

©Amanda Catherine 

Little Scars: Chapter Two: Escape

Her mom shoves her discretely out the door, hoping no one sees them. Ava didn't know what to think, she kept hearing her mom mumble "what did I do. this is all my fault" over and over. This was not very reassuring to Ava's crumbling mental stability. Her mother takes her firmly by the hand and she takes Ava at a run down the hall toward the exit when a nurse rounds the corner, stopping them in their tracks with a "Is everything all right?"  Not knowing what to say, they don't say anything and bump past her, resuming their run, at least to the best of Ava's limited ability. This was not the easiest thing for her as the whole hospital was starting to spin, making her constantly bump into walls and people which makes the pair way more noticeable. As they approach the door that leads outside, Ava's doctor comes out of a room and spots the two of them. They desperately try to duck behind a hospital bed but it is useless, he is locked on. He walks over, feigning a casual smile that doesn't match with his stiff movements, intent on talking to them but he isn't aware that Ava's mom knows what he is trying to do. He has been planning to get back at Ava's mom because of a past breakup. The pair try to keep their cool, but he starts shoving them back to Ava's hospital room. They try to get around him but he slips in close to Ava and reaches into his pocket and pulls out a syringe and needle with some sort of white liquid in it and puts it against Ava's abdomen. Her mom tries to grab the doctor but he manages to step to the side at the last second sending her mother to the ground as he jabs the syringe into Ava's side depressing the plunger. With no where to go now her mom crawls to Ava on the floor and starts crying. Knowing that no one will help them she stays on the floor with Ava and puts her daughter's head in her lap rocking her back and forth. 

    "How could you do this, you monster!" Her mom yells at him. "What kind of person are you!" All he does is laugh and with a swirl of his lab coat, walks away his hands in his pocket hiding the empty syringe. It is becoming more obvious that this was an inside job. Her mom keeps insisting that they need to leave, but none of the staff arriving at Ava's crumpled form will allow them to leave in the state that she is in. Pretending to be overwhelmed at all the commotion of the ward her mother takes her chance when she thinks no one is looking and scoops Ava into a vacant wheel chair sitting in the hallway from an earlier patient and runs, runs as fast as she can through the exit before anyone can catch her. Not looking back but hearing everyone yelling at her to stop she continues and runs to their car that is parked a few blocks away. Once she gets the car she doesn't even think, she puts Ava in the backseat and starts the car and looks in the mirror to see all the staff running toward the car. "They are at least a block away" she thinks to herself. Putting the car in drive she leaves and speeds off as fast as she can. All that matters to her is getting Ava to safety. Once she hits the highway she doesn't know where to go, so she keeps driving, not caring what direction she is going hoping, the effects of the drug wear off soon. The further away she is from that man the better. 

Eventually she had to stop, she had been driving for hours and her eyes are starting to glaze over. Deciding to find a hotel room she exits the highway and goes to the furthest hotel from the highway, not wanting to take chances. As she pulls into the hotel parking lot and walks inside she finds an unsuspected person who she did not want to see. 

©Amanda Catherine

Where Friendship Goes Wrong: A True Story: Assaulted... Again

As Anna and Lincoln start arguing in the middle of his living room his family took notice and was trying to figure out what was going on with them. Anna could care less, because she already wasn't to fond of their mom because of their past experiences. As the argument between them became more heated Anna started grabbing all her stuff and heading for the door again. It was starting to feel like she was never going to leave this house. Anna makes it outside and runs to her car before Lincoln can catch her and get in turns on the car and speeds off. All she knew was that she couldn't face him and she couldn't face his family judging her for all her mistakes. She starts driving not sure where to go. Her parents think that she is at Ashley and Lincoln's for dinner so she could go where ever her heart desired. She ended up at the park that was about a half a mile away from where Ashley and Lincoln's house is. This is where she came to do her deepest thinking. 

While she sat in her favorite swing she put her headphones in trying to tone out the whole world around her. It was getting dark but none of that mattered, she needed to cool off. Her phone kept ringing and it was always Ashley, Anna kept ignoring it. She started getting really freaked out when she kept getting phone calls from Lincoln only a few minutes apart from each other. Her voicemail box kept getting fuller and fuller until all the phone calls just stopped. She pulls out her phone and starts going through it, but she didn't dare listen to those voicemail's. It was at this point that she wished she had unlimited texting from the overwhelming amount of them she was getting. She finally decides to at least call Ashley back and let her know she was OK. As the phone starts ringing she feels a grab on her shoulder. Anna turns around and closes her phone in shock as soon as she saw who it was. "How is it going" he says. Anna stands there in silence. "David, what are you doing here, I thought I was the only one ever out this late." "Well I live across the street and when I saw you speed down I thought I would come check on you." Anna smiles and says "that is very sweet but believe me you do not want to know what is going on with me, you will find out how crazy I really am. And not in the good way." "We all have our pasts" he says. Well in that case Anna mumbles as she starts to break down and tell him everything that had just happened. 

Anna finishes up telling him everything she sees a shadow from someone heading toward them. As it starts to get closer Anna could tell that it was Lincoln. Anna tells David that is was probably best that he left, but he refused to leave. She kept insisting because she knew how bad it may get, But he still refused. Anna looks at David and says "you wanna get outta here? I don't know a lot but I know I don't wanna be here." They both come to an agreement to leave and they ended up at a park further away. As they get to the park Anna looks at her phone and all that was on there was a text fro Lincoln calling her a bitch and a coward for running away from the confrontation. But as Anna was away from Lincoln they more she realized how out of control everything had got. She didn't want to be the girl who was to afraid to face reality and her reality was that she chose was to mess around with her assaulter because at least he liked her. This had to turn into a thing of the past for her. Like a bad memory no one wants to remember.

A few weeks go by and Anna had made no contact with Lincoln and she was spending more time on her school work, which is something she had never done. It turned into a nice distraction for her. She was also spending more and more time with David. He was a breath of fresh air to be around because not only did he not judge her for her past mistakes but he helped her not make new ones. All was going well until Lincoln stopped by the school to see Ashley. While Anna was walking out of school putting her books back in her book bag she looks up and there he is standing beneath a tree, right next to her car. Not giving a single care Anna walks up to her car and starts putting her stuff in it to leave. Lincoln slowly begins to walk toward her hoping that she wouldn't notice, but it is because of him that she noticed everything it seemed like. She doesn't even look at him and says and "you should stop being such a creeper, it's not cool." He says fine and comes up to her and catches her off guard as she is walking and shoves her up against the car and starts touching her all over while screaming "I guess this is what you like, You're such a whore!" Anna struggles to get away as he starts trying to take off her clothes but it wasn't working. She ends up being in a position to knee him in the groin and takes advantage of it. Once she knees him in the groin she pushes him over to have more time to get away. She gets in her car and locks the door and climbs to the front seat, Lincoln is still on the floor and Anna drives away never looking back.

©Amanda Catherine

  

Where Friendship Goes Wrong: A True Story: Run

Anna continues running to her car more flustered than ever. She tries to get her keys and drops them on the sidewalk, tries to grab them and then trips over her book bag. She couldn't believe what was happening to her and she wanted this nightmare to end. She gets her keys and gets the door to her car unlocked and throws all her stuff in it. She hears the screen door open and whips around and yells "I am not in the mood for your bullshit anymore." Lincoln stops mid step and starts to get even more angry with Anna. He didn't understand what was wrong with her and she didn't care to elaborate as to why she was so upset. To her it was obvious. He proceeds to walk over to her car as Anna is getting in and puts his hand to the door and pushes it close. Anna now looking at the concrete crying says "what do you want, haven't you done enough? He tries to wipe away her tears but Anna jerks away and does it herself. She starts to look around and get all adjudicated and says "you don't get to do this, you don't get to come out here and try and make everything better. It's ruined and you ruined it." Lincoln looks at her and grabs her chin to make better eye contact and says "I never meant to hurt you. I am so sorry." "I don't trust you and how dare you say that to me. You knew what you were doing." Anna whispers back to him. "Have I ever told you how pretty you are he continues, your eyes are so beautiful. It's like I can see you, like really see you." Anna at this point in time really wants to make a snarky comment but starts to get weak in the knees from everything that he is saying to her. They stand in the street staring at each other for a while neither one of them wanting to make the next move. Time goes by but still feels like they are the only ones in the world or at least on this street.

Anna wanted to believe everything that Lincoln was saying to her but a little voice in the back of her head was telling her to run, run and never look back. In her mind she was trying to talk herself out of everything she was wanting to believe. But it all came down to why is he doing this. 

As she focuses back on reality the only words that leave her mouth are "why are you doing this?" This was a valid question and she needed to know for her own sake and sanity. He bounces back with "why are you pushing me away?" "You know why I am pushing you away" she snaps and continues with "now it's your turn." He looks at her, really looks at her and goes back inside leaving Anna alone. She starts talking to herself and getting really angry with everything that had just happened. Knowing she needs to go home eventually she gets in her car and just sits in it. At least I am in the car she thought to herself, that's half the battle. A few minutes go by and she starts her car to head home. Right as she does this Ashley and her mom pull up in the driveway. Anna tries to compose herself to make it look like she wasn't just put through emotional hell and gets out of her car to say hi to them. Anna heads up to the driveway when Ashley's mom stops her and says that she should stay for dinner. Anna immediately says no but thanks her for the offer. As soon as she says no Ashley pops up and says "Why not? I miss you, please stay we already cleared it with your mom." Anna's face turns pale as she says "well OK, I guess I could try and... yeah that sounds good." Ashley grabs her arm and drags her inside and yells at Lincoln that Anna was staying for dinner. He comes out of his room tries to hide the fact that he was just crying. He walks next to Anna and says "OK that's cool, I guess... whatever."

If there was one thing Anna could feel right now that was his pain, mainly because she felt the same. They both did not want to be in the same room together. Ashley turns on the TV and all Anna can think of is "yes, finally some distraction." As Anna sits on the sofa she was expecting Ashley to plop next to her, but instead she sits on the floor next to Anna's feet. Anna tried to get Ashley to switch spots with her but it was useless. Lincoln comes in the living room and stops because he realized where he would have to sit. Ashley notices and says "You big baby just sit next to Anna, I swear she doesn't bite." He tried to turn around but gets stopped again and gets forced into staying. As he goes to sit next to Anna, Anna tries to scoot as far over to the one side as she can having flashbacks from the last time they sat near each other. Ashley notices and comments on how weird they are both acting. They both blow it off and try to keep it cool. That is until Lincoln put his hand on her hand when no one was looking, Anna tried to just ignore it and pulled her hand away but then he put his hand on her leg and that made Anna explode. At that point in time Anna and Lincoln were right where they left off again. Screaming at each other and getting no where, except this time it was in front of people and those people definitely  noticed. 

©Amanda Catherine 

Insecurities (A Poem)

I'm sick of people

thinking that people

are flawed when

they never know 

the true story.

I am sick of people

wondering why people 

who are different

are different.

It's unique. 

I'm sick of other

people telling everyone

else how to live there lives.

You don't know what

they have gone through.

But most importantly

I am sick of looking 

in the mirror

and hearing the voices 

of everyone who has 

judged and put me down

from their own insecurities. 

I am who I am

and you telling me

who you think I 

am is not going to 

change that. 

©Amanda Catherine

Where Friendship Goes Wrong: A True Story: Bad Feelings

Tap, tap, tap. Anna sits alone in her room tapping her pen wanting to write about what happened to her lately but her mind was blocked. She hadn't been over to Ashley's since the whole incident with Lincoln. Her mind had been fuzzy ever since then. It was like she was living in a clouded nightmare. The worst part was that she was starting to like Lincoln. She started to believe that this is how boys treat the girls that they like. Anna puts her pen to her paper and then draws a heart and writes Anna + Lincoln in it. She almost barfed at the thought but this was the only guy who had shown interest in her, even though it was bad. "Maybe I am just reading into things to much" she thinks. She thinks back on how they first met and how her sexually assaulted her and how that made her feel. "Maybe I can change him" Anna says to herself as she throws her pen down.

Frustrated with her feelings Anna tries to find something to do to preoccupy her time. She grabs her black nail polish, opens her window and starts painting her nails. With each stroke she makes she became more upset with herself. She hadn't ever dealt with how she felt about what happened to her. Her moms idea of dealing with it was not dealing with it. Whenever she would bring up the idea about her going to therapy her mom would change the subject and her dad had no idea what had even happened to her. Everyone else thought that she had just said that Lincoln did this to her for the attention so she had never felt more alone. After getting lost in her thoughts Anna looks at her nails and expects them to look good. They looked like a disaster. "Hhhmmmm, what's this, a metaphor for my life" she complains as she starts getting the nail polish remover. "To bad I can't wipe away my life like this" she says growing in frustration. She looks at her phone to see if anyone had texted her. She would have even been OK with a stupid chain text but there was nothing. Even though she was upset about no one talking to her, she understood. 

Anna starts thinking again about anything she wanted to write about since her thoughts were the only ones that listened to her. She starts to write some lines and it read "so much pain, it all goes to my head sometimes I wish I were dead. She lets her thoughts take over her and continues with "I'm so lost and so alone. My life is a constant fog. There is nothing to keep me here, no life to call my own." She stops and sits alone in her room in silence. She never thought that she would have felt like this. 

She takes her pen and writes I am alone on her arm and then added a heart with an arrow going through it.

©Amanda Catherine

I have never ever written or talked about this moment to anyone before. I was a lost 17 year old who hadn't learned much about relationships yet. Today marks 10 years to the day that these thoughts happened. I am better than what I was then, not that it was hard to compete with. 
Amanda

Fear (A Poem)

I don't want
To fear being a
Women
But I do.
I am valued
Less and
Fear more.

I fear walking
streets alone
at night.
I fear allys
That lack light.
I fear men
And their
Constant stares.
I fear the idea
That my body is not
The essence of beauty.
I fear the thought
Of my dreams
Being shot.

I fear that
I fear all of
These things.
I fear that
This is normality.
I look outside
And I crumble inside.
I fear to live
My life with
The thought of
Knowing this
Is how it is
Supposed to be.

©Amanda Catherine

Lies (A Poem)

I can see the lies

In your eyes.

You try to hide them

But they are coming alive.

I cannot believe I

Once called you a friend.

I wish those memories

Would get out of my head.

I can hear your lies.

They flow out of

Your mouth

Like a flood.

I try to run from them

But you must see

That it doesn't matter

Because they don't control me.

©Amanda Catherine

Walk Away (A Poem)

Have you ever

walked into a room

and felt like 

everyone was 

staring at you?

I have.

Have you ever 

left somewhere 

because you felt

like everyone was 

talking about you?

I have.

Maybe it is 

insecurities,

or maybe it is

in my own mind. 

But these things 

have happened

to more people 

than one,

that you 

cannot deny. 

I try and 

brush it off

but it's hard you 

see when I know 

that you talked about me. 

If you don't like

me that is ok.

But please don't act 

like we are friends

and then walk away. 

I can sense the 

hate while you 

are around.

My ears are wide 

open and that's 

what you don't see.

I can hear what

you say 

but I'll be the 

first to

walk away. 

©Amanda Catherine

Runaway (A Poem)

Figures it would end

like this. 

Lost and alone

as you 

leave never look back.

I never thought

it would end like this.

Thinking about it now 

I should of saw it coming.

My life will never be

the same,

maybe I will just keep running

away from all the sadness

looking for something

I know was never there. 

©Amanda Catherine

27 Facts About Me For My 27th Birthday!

1, I was named after a Barry Manilow song.

2. I am an only child.

3. I barely graduated High School.

4. I've never left the US. 

5. I am a Phlebotomist (and I am a real good one.)

6. I've worked in Retail for 9 years. 

7. My eyes change color in the sunlight. There natural color is green.

8. My hair was black when I was born, then all fell out and turned blond.

9. I can cook well. 

10. I love to make banana bread. 

11. I am obsessed with conspiracy theories. (I love seeing what people can come up with.) 

12. My favorite movie is Zoolander.

13. I've been to Vegas over 10 times. 

14. I love The Legend of Zelda games. 

15. I can write a poem in 10 minutes, if not less. It's a weird gift. 

16. I love all different types of music.

17. My favorite band growing up was Good Charlotte.

18. I ran from the cops in High School.

19. I've been suspended in High School and College.

20. My lucky number is 20.

21. I've never been drunk or high.

22. I've lived out of state for a few months tagging bears. 

23. I was a College Dance team.

24. I'm really good at Archery and have been doing in since I was 9.

25. I'm an insomniac. 

26. I've had 5 surgeries.

27. I stutter when I am nervous. 

Amanda Catherine

Disappear (A Poem)

She stumbles 

to get her words out.

She had never

done something 

this bad before.

Maybe is was me,

or maybe it was 

this anger building

up inside of me.

She thinks to herself

She takes a step

back and turns to walk away.

No longer wanting

to hurt anyone,

anymore. 

Maybe if I disappear

things can go back

to how they used to be?

As she takes another 

step towards the door

out pops you.

You who I have 

hurt one to many times. 

As I spin around

my hair follows me.

You start to yell my name,

but I disappear

into a thought

you will only have 

once or twice more.

©Amanda Catherine