Dark (A Poem)

Walking with a
Friend in the dark
Is better than
Walking alone
In the light,
Or so they say.
But friends will
Walk away either way.
You can feel them
Next to you,
Or so it seems,
But then
It hits you,
You've been walking
All this way alone,
And they were
Never right
Beside you.

©️ Amanda Catherine

Breathe (A Poem)

You turn
And walk away,
Leaving me
In the pouring
Rain.
You don't
Look back,
It seems it's
Me your trying
To forget.
I hope you
Figure out what
You need, but
Never make
Your way back
To me.
The moment
You left was the
First time in a
While I was able
To breathe
And put myself
Above all else.

©️Amanda Catherine
@greeneyedwallflower

Pretend (A Poem)

You made me feel bad
For something I
Didn't do.
You act like the victim
But are you really?

You are a manipulator
You can't control yourself
You lied,
Made me believe
You were something special
But you aren't.
I had faith in you,
Faith that you could
Be better than the
Look you put on.
I was wrong.

In a way I'm happy
That we no longer talk.
Happy that you
Go caught.
Happy that you
Have to explain yourself.
Happy that I don't
Have to pretend
Because this is
The end.

©Amanda Catherine

Rewind (A Poem)

I lay awake,
Thinking of what
To write.
You cross my mind,
Last night
I dreamt of you.
You kissed my forehead
Made me feel
Like everything
Was ok...
Is ok.

Life wasn't terrifying
It was a beautiful
Piece of mystery.
No reason to runaway,
Every reason to hit rewind.

©Amanda Catherine

If He Is Reading ( A Poem)

I he is reading,
I want things to
Go back to the
Way they were.

If he is reading,
You messed up,
But I know I
messed up to.

If he is reading, 
I am confused
And don't know
Where we stand.
Friends or acquaintances.

If he is reading,
You tried to
Manipulate me,
This i cannot forget,
But I can eventually forgive.

If he is reading,
You said sorry
And I believe you
But somehow things
Seem to messed up
For that to matter now.

©Amanda Catherine

Some Random Thoughts...

I am going to talk about something that I have never really talked about. You all read my posts and got to know my life, in ways most haven't been able to. I feel like I can open up on here and hopefully not get to much hate.

I've been thinking a lot about death lately, mainly because my grandpa is currently in hospice. It's amazing how fast life can go and how nothing ever really lasts forever.

Currently I have been battling with chronic depression and anxiety. When I was sexually assaulted my parents didn't do to much for me help wise... so the depression just gradually got worse and worse. Once I was an adult I was to embarrassed to admit to myself much less others that I was battling depression. I wanted to be as strong as everyone thought I was, even though I did not feel strong myself.


I started running away from my problems and acting like I was totally fine, even though deep down I wasn't and I am not sure I ever really was. I pushed everyone away who was close to me because it was to much to handle. If you notice in my poetry it is always about running, leaving or being alone, that is because that is seriously how I felt. I felt like I had to do or be those things. All my poetry is about life experiences, poetry became the one outlet that I could hold on and still hold on to. I have no other way to express my true feelings besides writing, so thank you guys for reading and hopefully relating to them.

I wish I was different a lot. I have never been comfortable in my own skin. When I was younger I was the weird one that everyone made fun of, until I started doing stupid things just to fit in. It worked, until I lost sight of who I really was. By the time I realized this I was to far gone and tangled in a web of high school drama with everything else I have talked about.

I don't really know why I wrote this, but maybe you all will have more of an insight about who I am and why my poetry and writings are sometimes so sad.

<3
Amanda

Where Friendship Goes Wrong: A True Story: Run

Anna continues running to her car more flustered than ever. She tries to get her keys and drops them on the sidewalk, tries to grab them and then trips over her book bag. She couldn't believe what was happening to her and she wanted this nightmare to end. She gets her keys and gets the door to her car unlocked and throws all her stuff in it. She hears the screen door open and whips around and yells "I am not in the mood for your bullshit anymore." Lincoln stops mid step and starts to get even more angry with Anna. He didn't understand what was wrong with her and she didn't care to elaborate as to why she was so upset. To her it was obvious. He proceeds to walk over to her car as Anna is getting in and puts his hand to the door and pushes it close. Anna now looking at the concrete crying says "what do you want, haven't you done enough? He tries to wipe away her tears but Anna jerks away and does it herself. She starts to look around and get all adjudicated and says "you don't get to do this, you don't get to come out here and try and make everything better. It's ruined and you ruined it." Lincoln looks at her and grabs her chin to make better eye contact and says "I never meant to hurt you. I am so sorry." "I don't trust you and how dare you say that to me. You knew what you were doing." Anna whispers back to him. "Have I ever told you how pretty you are he continues, your eyes are so beautiful. It's like I can see you, like really see you." Anna at this point in time really wants to make a snarky comment but starts to get weak in the knees from everything that he is saying to her. They stand in the street staring at each other for a while neither one of them wanting to make the next move. Time goes by but still feels like they are the only ones in the world or at least on this street.

Anna wanted to believe everything that Lincoln was saying to her but a little voice in the back of her head was telling her to run, run and never look back. In her mind she was trying to talk herself out of everything she was wanting to believe. But it all came down to why is he doing this. 

As she focuses back on reality the only words that leave her mouth are "why are you doing this?" This was a valid question and she needed to know for her own sake and sanity. He bounces back with "why are you pushing me away?" "You know why I am pushing you away" she snaps and continues with "now it's your turn." He looks at her, really looks at her and goes back inside leaving Anna alone. She starts talking to herself and getting really angry with everything that had just happened. Knowing she needs to go home eventually she gets in her car and just sits in it. At least I am in the car she thought to herself, that's half the battle. A few minutes go by and she starts her car to head home. Right as she does this Ashley and her mom pull up in the driveway. Anna tries to compose herself to make it look like she wasn't just put through emotional hell and gets out of her car to say hi to them. Anna heads up to the driveway when Ashley's mom stops her and says that she should stay for dinner. Anna immediately says no but thanks her for the offer. As soon as she says no Ashley pops up and says "Why not? I miss you, please stay we already cleared it with your mom." Anna's face turns pale as she says "well OK, I guess I could try and... yeah that sounds good." Ashley grabs her arm and drags her inside and yells at Lincoln that Anna was staying for dinner. He comes out of his room tries to hide the fact that he was just crying. He walks next to Anna and says "OK that's cool, I guess... whatever."

If there was one thing Anna could feel right now that was his pain, mainly because she felt the same. They both did not want to be in the same room together. Ashley turns on the TV and all Anna can think of is "yes, finally some distraction." As Anna sits on the sofa she was expecting Ashley to plop next to her, but instead she sits on the floor next to Anna's feet. Anna tried to get Ashley to switch spots with her but it was useless. Lincoln comes in the living room and stops because he realized where he would have to sit. Ashley notices and says "You big baby just sit next to Anna, I swear she doesn't bite." He tried to turn around but gets stopped again and gets forced into staying. As he goes to sit next to Anna, Anna tries to scoot as far over to the one side as she can having flashbacks from the last time they sat near each other. Ashley notices and comments on how weird they are both acting. They both blow it off and try to keep it cool. That is until Lincoln put his hand on her hand when no one was looking, Anna tried to just ignore it and pulled her hand away but then he put his hand on her leg and that made Anna explode. At that point in time Anna and Lincoln were right where they left off again. Screaming at each other and getting no where, except this time it was in front of people and those people definitely  noticed. 

©Amanda Catherine 

Lies (A Poem)

I can see the lies

In your eyes.

You try to hide them

But they are coming alive.

I cannot believe I

Once called you a friend.

I wish those memories

Would get out of my head.

I can hear your lies.

They flow out of

Your mouth

Like a flood.

I try to run from them

But you must see

That it doesn't matter

Because they don't control me.

©Amanda Catherine

Masterpiece (A Poem)

I'm in the mood 

to write a masterpiece.

To bad it's going

to be about you. 

What can I say?

You make me feel 

less of a person.

Maybe because 

I am less than you. 

What can I say? 

You are smarter,

some say prettier. 

Like that matters. 

You can read a book.

I can make a masterpiece. 

To bad this piece

is about you. 

You have all the 

experience that life

has to offer.

I have all my

emotions inside

that make me 

think different than you.

You can solve a

math equation. 

Well,

Me - You = Happy

Happy,

I guess you are happy. 

This masterpiece

is about you. 

©Amanda Catherine

Where Friendship Goes Wrong: A True Story: Scary Stalker!

Finally home from her mini vacation Anna finds herself unable to text Remy, it was to good to be true that everything happened the way it did. It wasn't to long of her being home that Jenny texted her asking her if she wanted to hang out. Anna was feeling invincible so she agrees to go. As she biking towards Jenny's house Anna notices someone following her. She turns down different blocks real fast to turn this guy around and it worked, but Anna didn't think to hide her bike once so got to Jenny's. Once Jenny and Anna got all of their stuff ready to go to Circuit City they step outside and there is the truck that was following Anna earlier. 

Anna looks at Jenny and pulls her arm, explaining what happened to her Jenny starts to get mad at the situation and starts yelling at the guy. "Back off, we don't want you around us!" and "Get the fu*k away you perv." are the only things coming out of Jenny's mouth. Anna wanted to have the guts to start yelling at the guy, but instead she pulls out her phone and had 911 dialed into her phone ready incase stuff decided to go down. The truck starts to leave but the guy inside stared at them as he drove past. Jenny says "I knew I would scare them off." Anna with her hands shaking says "I don't know if what you did was good or not." "Just get on your bike so we can go" Jenny says. While Anna gets on her bike she is trying to remember everything about the guy, Facial features, hair color, color of the truck and the make and model of the truck. "We'll be fine, lets go!" Jenny yells. Sighing Anna starts to follow Jenny up the block. As they pedal everything seemed fine, they even made it to the store. As Jenny and Anna wander around the store Anna asks Jenny of she thinks they should call the cops about what happened. Jenny says no and told Anna to leave it alone, the guy won't be coming back. 

As Anna and Jenny leave the store, Anna starts to look around, she doesn't trust anything or anyone right now. She gets to guts to leave and everything was going fine until they entered the neighborhood again. It wan't long until the weird stalker was back. Anna on her bike a few feet behind Jenny yells "we have company!" "Lets loose him!!" Jenny screams back. "Meet at Ashley's?" Anna yells. "Yeah" As they split up they turn in two different directions at the end of the block. Knowing this neighborhood like to back of her hand Anna starts weaving down and around all the streets. For whatever reason this stalker seems really obsessed with her, he hasn't gone after Jenny once. "Maybe it;s because Jenny is obviously the crazy one", Anna thinks to herself. 

It feels like it has been forever and this guy won't leave her alone. Anna pulls out her phone and calls Jenny still trying to loose the guy. Anna just wants to know if she is at Ashley's. Once Anna finds out that Jenny is at Ashley's she has her open the side gate of Ashley's house so that Anna could bike directly into the backyard, she didn't want this guy to see her at all when she made her way to safety. Anna turns the corner and is on Ashley's street. Anna pedals so fast hoping the guy won't see her. As soon as she pulls into the backyard Anna hops off her bike and lets it crash into a bush and runs over to help Jenny quickly close the gate.

They get the gate closed and each of them take a fence hole to look through to see if the guy is near. Jenny keeps trying to talk to Anna but Anna keeps shhhing her. "I hear something" Anna says. The truck stops in the middle of the block and the guy gets out and starts to look around. He scratches his head baffled as the where Anna went. "I think we are almost safe" Anna whispers. "At least until we leave" she continues. They both run inside and Anna calls her mom to have her come get her but there is no answer, the same happenes for Jenny. Ashley walks downstairs and into the kitchen babbling off something stupid when she opens the blinds. Anna and Jenny fall the floor hiding. Jenny asks Ashley if she can see anything and she says "No their is just some weird blue truck outside. "Close the blinds!" Anna and Ashley yell! "God whatever" Ashley says as she closes the blinds. As Anna and Jenny get up off the floor Ashley asks what the big deal is. Apparently Jenny hadn't explained anything to Ashley when she got there. It was when Anna entered the situation that things started to turn serious.

"I'm calling the cops!" Anna yells. "I'm so sick of this" she continues. Jenny tackles Anna to the floor because she didn't want the cops involved. "I don't feel safe at all!" Anna says starting the loose her patience. After some bickering back and forth no one ends up calling the cops. A few hours and episodes of Spongebob pass and Jenny looses her patience and goes outside to face the guy and he was no where to be found. "I;m going home." Jenny says and she grabs all of her stuff. Anna is still very reluctant to even step outside says "Nah, I'm good, I'll continue the cartoon watching fest we have started.  Ashley yells "well I am leaving with her then, so just text me when you are home!" As Anna's eyes refocus on the TV she starts to something, it was Lincoln who lathered himself in cologne. Anna double looks behind her shoulder and proceeds to ignore him. He walks up sits across from her and steals the remote from her as he sits down. "Ug, what?" Anna mumbles. "Oh nothing, just heard you voice after I woke up from a nap." he says. "So you decided to come bother me?" Anna responds back. I'm a little flustered so leaving me alone would be fantastic" she continues. "So I see you met my friend." Lincoln says. Anna looks at him dead in the eye and says What!!!?" "Oh yeah I told him to follow you around to freak you out a little bit, figured it would bring you here eventually." As Anna tried to compose her words she stares at him with the face of confusion and is even more terrified.

To be continued...
©Amanda Catherine

Where Friendship Goes Wrong: A True Story: The Family Vaca

Over Spring Break Anna finds herself  out of town visiting family. This not one her most favorite things to do, since she is the misfit of the family but it always makes things interesting. Her family has made arrangements to stay in the family trailer for the weekend. "Here's to getting eaten by mosquitoes" Anna thinks to herself, since the trailer is next to a lake. She packed up her suitcase for another move and gets in her grandparents' car. As they start to head out Anna gets a text from Remy and it reads "I'll see you later." Anna just stares at her phone in stunned silence. "Wait what?" She says, apparently her cousins had invited him to the lake since they are best friends with him. "Aw crap" Anna says to herself. "How in the heck is this going to work?" 

As they pull up to the trailer Anna looks around and it doesn't look like anyone else had arrived yet. Which is normal, her family is always late to everything. She hops out of her grandparents' car and looks around, she hasn't  been here in a while. She asks her grandma if the cute little coffee was still up the way as she points in the wrong direction. Her grandma grabs her arm and says "Yes" as she moves her arm in the right direction. "I'm going to go there in a little bit then once I get all my stuff out of the car" Anna says. Wanting to get away from there before the hoard arrives she rushes and grabs her stuff out of the car and quickly puts it inside. 

As she starts to head to the coffee shop she sees a red van heading in her direction. "Can I hide in a bush" she thinks to herself. She looks around and there are no bushes in sight. The van pulls up next to her and the passenger side window rolls down. "Well you look the same, still chunky" her aunt says. "I had hope you would loose some weight but there you are" she continues. "What do you want" Anna says. "Oh the boys want to hang out with you" she says as her two cousins and Remy pop out of the van. They drive off and Anna says "well I was going up the street to get a coffee, you guys wanna come with me? Everyone agreed and they all continued walking. "Well this couldn't get anymore awkward" Anna thinks as she tries to make small talk with them. "Boys are so complicated" Anna thinks to herself. 

They finally find their way to and from the coffee shop and are back at the trailer. It was just Anna a and Remy sitting outside by the water. To Anna's surprise they are actually having a decent conversation, Not about what had happened with them over text, but about music, life goals, and how crazy her family is. "This is nice" Anna says "I was expecting things to be awkward." "Well there is still time for that" Remy says. "Oh yeah, things always get weird" Anna says.

 It  starts to get later in the night and everyone has passed out on their make shift beds but Anna and Remy are still up. They sat next to each other in a corner in the darkness with only their phones for light. The moment is perfect, Anna wishes that it never ends. Each of them have different stories but they were all so similar. Over text it is hard to realize that people are people but in the middle of nowhere in the dark you can really get to know someone for them and not what we perceive them to be. Anna is starting to get really attached to him. He is the only friend she has that doesn't have clouded judgments of her or her past. She knew that this was going to end bad, but her emotions started to cloud over her again. 

©Amanda Catherine

Where Friendship Goes Wrong: A True Story: Eating Disorder Struggles

Anna is sitting alone in the lunch room during her free period staring at her doughnut and coffee her mom bought her for breakfast. More often than not this is what Anna ate all day until dinner. As she puts her head on the table and looks to the side over at her breakfast she starts poking it and putting the glaze bits in her mouth. As she closes her eyes for a second she opens them and there stands Lincoln. She starts picking up the doughnut crumbles trying to make it look like she wasn't doing what she was doing. He takes a seat across from her in the booth that she is in. She glares at him and stares at him. She doesn't trust him, as far as she is concerned this is to close for comfort with him, He continues to sit in silence looking at her. Her eyes swimming in blue were trying to drown him with all the regrets she carries with her everyday. "What do you want" she says "It's not like I have even seen you in a while so what, you transferred schools...why are you here?" Smiling he still doesn't say anything. He was obviously trying to mess with her. "Well?!" she says as she starts to get really irritated. I'm waiting for my mom to finish up with Ashley's teachers because not that you care but she is failing in school" he says. "Join the fucking club" she says. "Well I better go" he says as he starts to get up. "Also your looking a bit chubby so I wouldn't eat that if I were you" he continues. 

As Lincoln leaves Anna realizes the time and starts to head up to the 2nd floor where her counselor is. She figured she should at least try it once. When she walks into the office it looks like a janitor closet it is so tiny. Attempting to get situated the counselor starts asking her questions, all of which she did not expect. About 40 minutes goes by and Anna finds herself leaving but she doesn't remember anything that she talked about. She starts heading down the hall past the drama room and up the stairs to the 4th floor when she falls to the floor and passes out in front of her marine biology class. No one was in the class or hallways because everyone is at lunch. Her teacher heard her fall and looks out her door to see what happened. Anna is trying to talk but cannot get out much of anything. Her teacher grabs her gets her inside the classroom and starts to help her. Laying on the ground Anna sees her teacher running around trying to find any sort of food she has in her desk. She runs back over to Anna and says "you didn't eat all day again didn't you." All Anna can get out is some random words that make no sense. Eventually Anna gets to the point to where she can sit in a chair with her head between her knees. Her teacher brings over a ton of random snacks for her. She says "You should go for the candy first, it has the most sugar and then work down to the others." "Why are you doing this for me?" Anna says. "I've been watching you for a while" her teacher, Mrs. Jensen says. "You don't eat a lot and you often look pale. I've been planning for this to happen for a while since you spend your lunch hour in here." She adds. "Well it's convenient since you are my next class" Anna says. "It's only convenient because you never eat" Mrs Jensen says. "I'm to fat to eat" Anna whispers while staring at the floor. "What mean boy told you that" she replies. Anna laughs and says "You have no idea. I'm starting to feel better though so thank you." I'm not leaving you alone until you finish everything I gave you" Mrs Jensen insists. As soon as Anna would finish one snack there Mrs Jensen would be with another one. "Look you finally have color in your face" Mrs Jensen exclaims. Not knowing what to say Anna just shakes her head and smiles. 

Later in the evening after the screaming from her parents stopped, she put on her favorite CD and made up her own choreographed dance to amuse herself. Her mom didn't want to pay for her classes anymore so Anna had to find ways to keep up with it all by herself. Night is the best time of day she writes in her notebook.

<3

©AmandaCatherine

Where Friendship Goes Wrong: A True Story: Friends With Benefits 2

It was getting pretty obvious that the feelings were not mutual between Remy and Anna. She was really starting to like him but he just wants pictures and when she did not deliver he would stop talking to her. Anna, really needing someone to talk to would cave just so she could have something to look forward to. It wasn't much, but it is keeping her distracted from everything else going on around her. Even Brian and her other guitar friends could tell that there was something different going on with her. Brian started letting her lean her head on his shoulder in guitar class and he will always put his arm around her. This is about the only time Anna felt safe and calm enough to fall asleep. 

While she is in guitar class she passes out on the floor with Brian's backpack as a pillow and his hoodie as a blanket. The background noise from all the instruments normally annoy her, but today she found them quite calming. Anna always leaves her phone next to her face so that she would hear it and today was no different. Just like every other day at 2 pm Anna would get a text from Remy asking for something she never wanted to deliver. She was to passed out that she never even heard it but Brian picked it up and saw everything that was going on between them and all of her friends. Worried, he took it upon himself to tell the only other person he knew she trusts, her guitar teacher. As Anna starts to leave the classroom he pulls her aside and starts talking to her about what is going on. She is so disorganized that her unfinished homework is pouring out of her backpack as she walks in his office. She didn't quite get what was going on but he kept asking her why she let all of this linger on. It wasn't to long before more of hervteachers come in. "What's going on" she says, her guitar teacher, Mr. Montgomery tells her everything that Brian had told him. She didn't know whether to feel happy or upset that he took it upon himself to tell him. She takes a seat and wraps her backpack with suicidal poems on it in Brian's old hoodie he let her have. The more they didn't know about everything the better she is. They ask her a bunch of questions about her home life and school life and Anna tries as hard as she can to cover up everything. According to her everything was fine, it isn't like most of them care anyways. As they all looked at her with pity eyes she knew that they know something so she starts to get up and leave. "We want you to start seeing a school counselor, we have you scheduled for a few days this week" says Mr Montgomery. "And if I don't go" she says. "Well you'll only be hurting yourself more" Mr. Montgomery responds. Anna starts to get teary eyed because she knows she was messed up, but doesn't want to be. She thanks them for their time, gets the counseling times and leaves.  

A few days pass by and she hasn't seen Brian. She is starting to get worried but then Brian texts her and says "Sorry...:(" She could be mad at everyone else but she always has a hard time being mad at him. So she texts him back ":)". A few seconds go by and she gets a text from Remy that says "What did you forget about me? Also have you heard of Pearl Jam, I'm really starting to like them." Anna tells him that she no longer wants to do what they have been doing, that it has been causing her to much stress. She just wants to have a friend that she can talk to with out the added pressure of sexting. He doesn't say anything for a few hours and then writes back "well that's fine I guess you just let me know when you ready to start again". Anna is amazed, she stood up for herself  and said no and nothing bad came from it. She has no idea what to think.

©Amanda Catherine 

Where Friendship Goes Wrong: A True Story: School Stress

With the end of the school year coming Anna was super stressed about her current grades. She has a straight line of D's and F's in her classes. She knew that she could do better but she didn't the mental time to even try, she was constantly worried about everything. Most of her teachers didn't even bother teaching her anyways, she is always the difficult student. When she walked into her math class on the first day of the semester her teacher approached her and said "I've heard about you from your other teachers, how about I give you a D just to come to class because I don't want to deal with you." At that time Anna was so excited because that meant minimal effort on her part but now she is kicking herself for it. She wanted to learn, but it was easier to just slide by. It keeps her parents off her back and her teachers at ease.

She walked into her math class and walked up to her teacher who was sexist and says "do we still have a deal?" He nods and says "we'll talk after class." She goes and takes her seat and pulls out a piece of scrap paper to doodle on. She feels a tap on her shoulder and turns around it's David asking her if she needs any help on the homework, she says "no, I already did it." As she turns back around David grabs her notebook and says "no you didn't, lets work on it together." He opens it up and sees all of the undone homework and is in shock. All Anna can say "is don't worry, I have a deal with the ass hole teacher" and then mumbles to herself "as well as most of my other teachers." He tells her "that's not right." "Yeah well that's just the way it is with me. I'm the difficult one that everyone doesn't want to deal with." As he continues to go through her notebook, he finds all the stories and poems she has been writing. "You're good" he says, she looks at him and says you don't have to be nice... I know I'm not good at most things I try... at least that's what most people say." "Well I'm not lying" he says. She looks at him conspicuously, she wants to believe him but then doesn't all at the same time. He looks back at her and says "You know you can be good at something without people letting you slide by right"?

Anna never even thought about that before. She is always put into the special education classes because she has a stutter. She never understood why. In middle school Anna would watch her friends across the hall in the normal classes and wonder why she could never be included. As class ended and everyone left Anna was left sitting her chair waiting to see what her teacher had to say. Anna just kept giving him weird looks as he was picking up his desk. He finally walks over to her and says "well I know that you know that you a difficult but what can I expect since you are a girl." I will still honor giving you a D just as long I don't get you in class again next semester." Anna rolls her eyes and says "you do realize that you are the only teaching the class I need next semester right?" He leans onto her desk and all he says is "figure it out." 

©Amanda Catherine

Where Friendship Goes Wrong: A True Story: Wait...What Happened?

"Tell me more" Anna says as she glances past her friends, not really paying attention. She had her eyes on all the boys that had been trying to make her life hell. She was trying to read them to figure out their next move. Ashton snaps his fingers in front of her face to get attention. Anna snaps out of it and says "wait what, what'd I miss?" She looks down and her arm had blood all over it. Anna had a rubber band on her arm that she started snapping when she was nervous. Aston looks at her and says "just because they did that to you doesn't mean you need to start doing this." Anna looks at him and then starts staring past him again. He moves her leg with his to try and get her attention again. "What!" she screams. "You need to stop" he says, "Come on we are leaving." As he grabs her by the strap of her backpack she is still trying to stare at them. They make is outside in the court yard by the lunchroom and he grabs her by her face and says "Just because they did this, does not mean you need to become obsessed." Anna looks at the floor and says "But it's just not fair. Why do they get to pour pop in my back pack, trip me, call me a fat ass whenever I eat and vandalize my locker...again." Still looking at her he says "they just want to get a rise out of you." The three boys come outside and start calling Anna a bitch. A frustrated Anna runs up and kicks the one boy in the crotch.

The other two boys continue calling her a bitch, but their words have no effect on her. They speak and their words are broken. Broken like their lives crumbling through their fingers. Anna looks around her and she had become comfortably numb. When she came back to her senses the person she wanted to run to wasn't Ashton, Jenny, Ashley or Jax. It was Remy, but Remy was just a vision she had in her phone. He will never be their for her except through text and the occasional picture. No one even knew about him, she wanted to keep that part of her life as much of a secret as possible. It wasn't like she was cheating on Ashton or anything. He was a break from the crazy, a whole new world that she could isolate herself in if she wanted to. She stops thinking looks at the floor and sees the boy clinching his stomach, she turns around and says "What did I do?"

To Be Continued...

©Amanda Catherine

Where Friendship Goes Wrong: A True Story: Pregnancy Scares!

As Anna is left in front of the classroom door stunned from what just happened. She see's a very panicked Jenny running up to her. Looking at Ashton she says "well this can't be good. I'm gonna have to talk to you later OK? When Ashton sees Jenny's face he hugs Anna and leaves. Anna looked at Jenny and she was crying. When Anna asks Jenny what happened she started crying more. The only thing she could mutter out was "I'm late." Anna grabs Jenny's arm and drags her into the bathroom. "What to you mean you're late?" Jenny looks at herself in the mirror and punches the glass. "I'm so ashamed of myself, why did I trust him?" Her hand know bleeding from the shards of glass, Anna grabs a huge wad of paper towels to stop the bleeding. "It's not your fault", Anna says. "Don't blame yourself," Jenny falls to the bathroom floor and puts her head on her knees. Anna says "Do you want to ditch first period and walk to the grocery store to get a pregnancy test. I have some money to help you buy one." Jenny nods her head and they decide to leave after everyone was already in class so no one could see her crying. While leaving the school they get stopped by the adviser that got Anna suspended. "It's like this guy is out to get me" Anna says. "Where are you going, shouldn't you be in class" he says. "Well we have an emergency" Anna explains. "More of an emergency than getting an education" he says starting to get mad. "Well yeah otherwise why would we be leaving" Anna says. She looks back and Jenny is clinching her stomach. Anna starts to get mad. She knew she wasn't supposed to leave campus but somethings are worth leaving over. In a very irritated voice she says "we are leaving, go ahead and call my mom. I will erase the message when I get home." She grabs Jenny's hand and pushes past him. As they left they could hear hi yelling "you get back here young ladies." They didn't care, They were just happy that they made it out of the school. 

While they are walking to the grocery store Anna asks Jenny to tell her what happened. Jenny sighs and starts to explain everything. "I didn't ever want to do it, it's like he made me or something, I mean I wanted to do it right since I did it...right?" Anna grabs her hand and says "you never have to do anything you don't want to. Honestly he is a prick if he made you. Don't feel bad. If you don't mine me asking who was it?" Kicking a rock up the path Jenny says you aren't going to like the answer. Anna reluctantly says "well my views on most of the guys we hang out with are crap so try me." "Promise not to be mad" Jenny says. Answering honestly Anna says "well no, but I won't judge you for it." As Jenny starts to reply she gets interrupted by her phone ringing, it was Wyatt wondering what was going on. Jenny makes up an excuse to get rid of him. She didn't want to deal with him at the moment. About 5 minutes go by and she hangs up with him, Anna says "it was Wyatt wasn't it? Jenny nods her head and starts crying all over again. "Yes" she says. 

Once they get to the grocery store Anna and Jenny head to the isle with all the pregnancy tests, which ironically is where all the condoms are. They head to the register to buy it while combining all their money. When they make it to the front of the line the girl at the register gave them a look of disgust as she says "OK which one of you is it? I wanna guess." "Well I think it's pretty obvious" Anna says, "she's crying and that comment made it worst. Keep your opinions to yourself." They get the test and head to the store bathroom. Anna hands her the test as Jenny thanks her for standing up for her in the meanest way possible. They have a laugh and Jenny heads into the stall. Anna sits on the other side of the stall on the floor and says "remember no matter what happens, we're friends OK." Jenny says "2 minutes....2 minutes till my life is decided for me. I don't know how I'm gonna handle this." They sit on the bathroom floor on opposite sides of the door and wait. Two minutes goes by and Anna says "if you can't look at it I will look at it for you. Jenny slides it under the door. "Don't tell me unless it's good news" she says. Anna closes her eyes and takes a deep breath and opens one eye to peek at it. "It's negative.... It's negative!!!!" Anna exclaims, getting up off the floor. "I mean you should still go to the doctor but it's negative." Jenny opens and slams the stall door. "Really! I'm so happy!" she says. 

As they start walking back to school Anna tells Jenny that she has to tell her the rest of what happened with her and Wyatt. She starts to explain and apparently Wyatt was sick of getting made fun of for being a virgin, so he gave her and ultimatum. Either you have sex with me or we are through so I can go find someone who will. "The rest is pretty obvious from there" she says. Anna attempting to give relationship advice says "I think it might be time for you to break up with him. I know it's hard, but do you want a relationship that makes you feel bad?" Jenny shakes her head no and pulls out her cell phone and calls Wyatt since it was between 1st and 2nd period now. Once Jenny explains everything that happened to her to him she tells him that she wants to break up. Wyatt didn't take it well. They got into a screaming fight over the phone, that continued once Jenny and Anna made it back to school. In the end they did break up. Anna gets back inside school and looks around. She sees Ashton and that was the greatest sight she had seen all day. 

To Be Continued... <3 

©Amanda Catherine

Where Friendship Goes Wrong: A True Story: Sneaking into an R Rated Movie!

We all have that one friend that you aren't really close with but that you still love hanging out with even though they get you into trouble... a lot. This, for Anna, was her friend named Lisa. Anna and Lisa grew up together but when Middle school came they both went to different schools. Many of there encounters lately were random coffee shop meetings or Anna hanging out with her and all her friends. These hang outs always made Anna feel awkward as she did not know any of Lisa's new friends, but at least they gave her something to do. One weekend, while Anna was out and about with her mom they ran into Lisa and her mom. Anna and Lisa got to talking and they had made plans to go see a movie later that evening. Lisa drove so at least Anna wouldn't have to face getting dropped off by her mom later that evening. As Anna and her mom continue doing their weekend shopping her mom starts talking to her about how Anna needs to have more friends like Lisa. Anna just rolls her eyes as she slouches in the passenger seat of their old pick up truck. Her mom didn't know what Lisa had become. Sure she wasn't as bad as Jenny and Ashley but she wasn't no perfect princess either. 

Anna started thinking about the history that they have together since it is a long history, longer than ever her and Jenny have. When Anna and Lisa were in Elementary School they were pretty much inseparable. They hung out all the time because they had on huge thing in common, they were both only child's. It seems like a silly thing to get along over but only children have a history of being overly spoiled so no one ever wanted to hang out with them because of this. For Lisa this sort of judgement would be very accurate. She was her parents perfect princess who could do no wrong. As for Anna, she never really wanted anything or had parents that thought she was perfect. Anna continues thinking and she remembered the one day in day care over summer. Anna and Lisa were hanging out together and Lisa kept making fun of Anna for being different and poking fun at all of her habits. Anna had enough and punched Lisa in the back. This wouldn't have been bad but Lisa's mom was right in front of the building when this happened. Anna got into so much trouble with everyone when this happened. More with Lisa's parents than her own but it was still pretty awful.

Anna looks out the window of the old pick up truck and reminds her mom of when that happened at day care, Anna's mom looks at her and says "Yes, I remember that but you to have grown up since then or at least I hope you have." Anna gets a little upset and tries changing the topic and blurts out "well at least her parents actually like her." Anna didn't know why this was the first thing to come out of her mouth when she was mad but she decided to roll with it. Her mom on the other hand did not say anything. Anna could tell that she was upset. She did feel bad but that is how she felt. Often times Anna's parents would spend more time arguing than helping her with anything. Anna's mom pulls into Target and says that she is sorry that she isn't around as often as she should be but that she really was trying. Anna gave her a hug and they ran into Target to grab a few things and then headed home since Anna had to get ready for her movie. 

As they pulled into the driveway Anna hops out of the truck and heads inside. Upon walking into the door she could hear her dad getting mad so she ran inside and ran down to her room and locked the door, It was going to be another night of arguing parents so she was glad she had plans with Lisa. She opens her closet and tries to find something to wear. After about 30 minutes she got a text from Lisa that said "hey, we are going to go and see "Knocked Up" at the AMC near our house". Anna got really confused as this movie is rated R. Then Lisa texted her again and said "I'll tell you more of the details when I pick you up. I'll be there in 15 minutes." Anna decided to get on MySpace really quick to see what was up in the MySpace world before Lisa got t her house. There wasn't to much going on, just a lot of feuds between Jenny and all of her ex boyfriends. She logged off as soon as she heard a car come up the street and headed out the door, She gets into to Lisa's Jeep that her parents had bought her and they head off. In the car Lisa started telling Anna about how they were meeting some of her friends there that are 17 so they will open up the side door to the theater once they get tickets and get inside. Anna reluctantly agrees, She hates doing things she isn't supposed to, even though that's all that she does most of the time. The get to the movie theater and park and head to the side door. The whole time Anna was thinking couldn't we just get tickets for a PG-13 movie and then go to the other movie? Either way she found herself tucked in a corner waiting for Lisa's friends to let them in, it was obvious that she had done this before. Her friends walk around the corner and she waves at them to let them in. A guy comes to the door and lets them in. Anna had never met this guy before but him and Lisa were holding hands like they were in a relationship. Anna didn't care she always got super uncomfortable around people that she didn't know which always led her to stutter so getting ditched wasn't worst thing to happen to her. As they walked into the theater to take their seats workers were walking around checking peoples' tickets. Anna started freaking out because she did not have one. The worker approaches her and winks at her and skips her this made her even more confused. Did the guy think she was cute or did Lisa's friends know him. Either was her sudden small panic attack started to drift away.

They stay for the whole movie and when they leave Anna and Lisa follow her friends out to the parking lot where they all smoke. Everyone started making sun of Anna for not smoking but that did not bother her. Anna had gotten into the habit of only smoking when she was stressed out and she was not stressed out. She also did not see a reason to. For people to like her? Well that's a stupid reason if I've ever heard one. 

To Be Continued... 

©Amanda Catherine
Check Out My Other Stories!

Friends With Benefits: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/11/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story.html

Smoking And Fights: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/10/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_15.html

Feeling Invisible: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/10/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_13.html

Inside My Head: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/10/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_8.html

My Thoughts On School Shootings: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/10/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story.html

Making New Friends: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/09/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story.html 

My Thoughts On the Story So Far: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_84.html

Anna's High School Poems 2: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_25.html

Learning How to Drive: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_24.html

Falling Pants Recital: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_22.html

Sneaking Out of the House: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_44.html

Behind The Characters: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_26.html

Valentines Dance Disaster: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_18.html

Underage Public Drinking: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_17.html

A Brief Summary 2: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_16.html

A Romantic Interest: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_15.html

Getting Banned From Hobby Lobby: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_69.html

Failing In a Mosh Pit: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_47.html

Judgmental Family: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_10.html

Anna Gets Suspended: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_9.html

Anna's High School Poems: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_8.html

A Summary Of Current Events: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_19.html

An Unexpected Turn of Events: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_6.html

Reality Sets In: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_5.html

The Unthinkable Happens: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_4.html

Truth Or Dare: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story.html

The Rumor Mill: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true_2.html

Behind The Story: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/07/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true_31.html

The Betrayal: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/07/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true_31.html

The Chain Of Inappropriate Texts: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/07/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_29.html

The Awkward Dinner: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/07/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_29.html

The Sleepover: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/07/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_28.html

Friends Becoming Friends: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/07/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_25.html

The Introduction: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/07/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story.html

Abandon (A Poem)

I've been your friend

when you were alone.

It was nice because

I, myself, was also alone.

It was so nice having someone to talk to

with judgement tossed aside.

I really felt I could be the real me,

We were each others best friends.

I never thought that anything could

get in the way of that.

I felt like I was floating on a cloud

of hope that things

would fall into place for you and me.

I tossed all my secrets aside

and let you see how damaged I really am.

You gave me hug with tears in my eyes.

no one has ever treated me like this before.

Everything was perfect,

even if was just for one moment.

I look back on this moment

even to this day.

I wonder what happened.

We were so close for so long

now I feel like we are nothing.

Not friends or even acquaintances.

As I see you and you walk on by

I think to myself,

as I hold my emotions inside.

I'm the girl you decided to abandon.

©Amanda Catherine

Where Friendship Goes Wrong: A True Story: Friends With Benefits

This is going to be a side story of my current on going story. What can happen when you sext? Let me tell you because it's time to open up about this. It's messy and complicated and honestly made my life a total mess. 

It all started when Anna was around the age of 16. After visiting her family for the holidays Anna had met one of her cousins friends and they hit it off so well it was almost crazy. She looked at him once and she immediately fell into that true love feeling. He was younger than her, but she didn't care. She really started to think he was the one, just from talking to him for only a few minutes. He gave her his number but she was to nervous to call or text him until she was really looking for someone to talk to about everything. It started out with a few random texts here and there about life and music but as time went on it turned into something more, way more. Her feelings for this boy named Remy started to grow. She didn't mean for it to happen but it was just so easy, especially with him. One her break from school she decided to go visit family and see him. She Anna pretty much spent the whole time with him and it was amazing. She never wanted it to end, but unfortunately she had to go back home, her feelings were all in a bundle. She didn't know what to think. It was obvious to her that he did not feel the same feelings towards her as he just kept treating her like a friend. But when it came down to it Remy just kept leading Anna on with his texts. A lot of them would say nice things and then have a ton of <3 at the end. Anna played along until one night... Anna had gotten a text from another friend named Jax asking her to send him pictures of her body. Anna was so appalled by this. "Who would want to do that" she thought to herself. It didn't help that Anna had never liked her body so the fact that someone else would was amazing to her. She told Remy about the whole conversation she had with the other boy and he wrote her back and said "we should do that, I think you are beautiful." Anna really didn't want to do this but deep down she was hoping that he eventually would start to like her more like a girlfriend rather than a friend. Anna took a picture of herself just in her pajamas and he wrote her back "what's that I can barely see anything!" Kind of being a bit playful but also wanting Anna to be more of a tease. She sent him another one and it still wasn't good enough. He wanted Anna to be topless. Anna was uncomfortable with this but she didn't want to stop talking to him so she went along with it. He wrote her again and it said "if you send me a good one I will send you a picture of my well....stuff." Anna face turned red, she was so embarrassed. Once she sent him a picture and she got one back she immediately deleted it. Anna really wasn't interested in seeing his... stuff,  it was a little to forward for her. She didn't know how to say that she no longer wanted to do this so she just kept going with it. 

After this had gone on for a few more months Anna got up the courage to ask him what they were. Where they in a relationship, just friends? Her fingers trembled as she was typing in her text. She didn't know how she would feel with any response. She sent her text and waited a while for an answer. She thought to herself "well this could be a bad sign." All of the sudden she got a text back that said "Where just friends with benefits, Honestly I think of you like a sister." Anna's head flooded with all sorts of emotions and thoughts. How could he say that we are friends with benefits but then say that I am a sister to him? Not responding back she got a text a little bit later that said "I phrased that wrong I mean that you are the person I go to talk to about anything without judgement and I really enjoy what we are doing." This was Anna's moment to say exactly how she was feeling but instead she kept quiet about everything that she was feeling. Instead she wrote back,"I really enjoy talking to you as well." Hoping that he would have gotten the hint. He didn't... he just wrote back. "Wanna sext.?"

To Be Continued... <3 ;) 

 ©Amanda Catherine

Hey guys hopefully you like this little side story of my current story I had to backtrack a little bit so I hope it makes since, I really did try. :)  Gonna upload the video I made about this when it gets a little more intense otherwise I would ruin the saddest part. To any family reading this I love my current boyfriend. These feelings are in the past, way gone. 

With Love and Butterflies 

MandAnna
Check Out My Other Stories!

Smoking And Fights: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/10/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_15.html

Feeling Invisible: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/10/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_13.html

Inside My Head: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/10/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_8.html

My Thoughts On School Shootings: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/10/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story.html

Making New Friends: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/09/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story.html 

My Thoughts On the Story So Far: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_84.html

Anna's High School Poems 2: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_25.html

Learning How to Drive: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_24.html

Falling Pants Recital: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_22.html

Sneaking Out of the House: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_44.html

Behind The Characters: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_26.html

Valentines Dance Disaster: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_18.html

Underage Public Drinking: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_17.html

A Brief Summary 2: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_16.html

A Romantic Interest: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_15.html

Getting Banned From Hobby Lobby: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_69.html

Failing In a Mosh Pit: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_47.html

Judgmental Family: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_10.html

Anna Gets Suspended: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_9.html

Anna's High School Poems: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_8.html

A Summary Of Current Events: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_19.html

An Unexpected Turn of Events: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_6.html

Reality Sets In: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_5.html

The Unthinkable Happens: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_4.html

Truth Or Dare: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story.html

The Rumor Mill: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true_2.html

Behind The Story: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/07/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true_31.html

The Betrayal: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/07/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true_31.html

The Chain Of Inappropriate Texts: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/07/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_29.html

The Awkward Dinner: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/07/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_29.html

The Sleepover: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/07/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_28.html

Friends Becoming Friends: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/07/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_25.html

The Introduction: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/07/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story.html