Breathe (A Poem)

You turn
And walk away,
Leaving me
In the pouring
Rain.
You don't
Look back,
It seems it's
Me your trying
To forget.
I hope you
Figure out what
You need, but
Never make
Your way back
To me.
The moment
You left was the
First time in a
While I was able
To breathe
And put myself
Above all else.

©️Amanda Catherine
@greeneyedwallflower

Some Random Thoughts...

I am going to talk about something that I have never really talked about. You all read my posts and got to know my life, in ways most haven't been able to. I feel like I can open up on here and hopefully not get to much hate.

I've been thinking a lot about death lately, mainly because my grandpa is currently in hospice. It's amazing how fast life can go and how nothing ever really lasts forever.

Currently I have been battling with chronic depression and anxiety. When I was sexually assaulted my parents didn't do to much for me help wise... so the depression just gradually got worse and worse. Once I was an adult I was to embarrassed to admit to myself much less others that I was battling depression. I wanted to be as strong as everyone thought I was, even though I did not feel strong myself.


I started running away from my problems and acting like I was totally fine, even though deep down I wasn't and I am not sure I ever really was. I pushed everyone away who was close to me because it was to much to handle. If you notice in my poetry it is always about running, leaving or being alone, that is because that is seriously how I felt. I felt like I had to do or be those things. All my poetry is about life experiences, poetry became the one outlet that I could hold on and still hold on to. I have no other way to express my true feelings besides writing, so thank you guys for reading and hopefully relating to them.

I wish I was different a lot. I have never been comfortable in my own skin. When I was younger I was the weird one that everyone made fun of, until I started doing stupid things just to fit in. It worked, until I lost sight of who I really was. By the time I realized this I was to far gone and tangled in a web of high school drama with everything else I have talked about.

I don't really know why I wrote this, but maybe you all will have more of an insight about who I am and why my poetry and writings are sometimes so sad.

<3
Amanda

Be One (A Poem)

I run around living my life,

but deep down I know

my life is never

what I can make it

be.

Be,

what a silly phrase. 

What is it to really be? 

What is it to really be 

one?

One,

with myself,

with life,

with my emotions. 

One is just a number. 

You're never number one.

Bitch.

Bitch,

ah yes, the name I am 

constantly called by bullies,

bullies who think they know me.

Me, 

I am more then you know,

you are more than I know. 

Lets all just be one 

me. 

©Amanda Catherine

Little Scars: Chapter 3: Truth Exposed

Becca stands in the middle of the hotel lobby stunned. Does she run or does she approach this person?  After all it is one of her long lost friends, but they did not leave on good terms. Becca swallows her pride and goes over to say hello. She takes on step toward her and immediately regrets it. "After all these years who would have thought you and I would meet again in a crappy hotel lobby" her long lost friend Holly says. Becca doesn't say anything because she honestly didn't want to, she had more things to worry about. Aww, don't be shy, you can talk to me" Holly says. "I am just here to get a room, I don't want to start stuff with you" Becca says. Holly laughs, "I think you have more important things to worry about as your car just got taken." Becca turns around to see a man driving her car away with Ava still passed out in the backseat. "Who was that!!!" Becca screams expecting answers from anyone. No one answers, as she runs out the door after the car Holly yells "you better be careful with who you are messing with." Becca stops and turns around, Holly obviously knows what is up, the question is will she tell her and actually tell her the truth. 

Ava starts regaining conscious only to realize that there is a stranger driving her moms car. She pushes herself off the seat to sit up and says "who are you?" "I'm the person your mom has been trying to keep you from" he says. "I don't even know what you are talking about" she says "my mom would never do that." "Well, then do you know who I am" he says. Ava doesn't say anything because she has no idea. "Where are we going?" Ava says. "To the place you mother was trying to hide you from" he says. "I don't understand" she says, "who are you"? "Your mother would call me your worst nightmare but I guess it depends on how you look at things." he says. Ava tries to open the back door of the car to jump out but he grabbed her by her hair and pulled her back in. "That's the same crap your mother tried" he says "wow you are so predictable." Ava crunches up in the backseat trying to stay as far away as she can even though she knew it didn't matter. "We're almost there" he says. Ava looks outside and sees nothing but a dry dead landscape. Wherever they are going is no place she would want to be. They get further and further but yet close and closer they turn into a gate and all it says is 'You either live Or You Die'. All her memories starting coming back... she knew where she was and who she was...

To Be Continued...

Little Scars: Chapter One: Voices

This is my new story. I am having so much fun writing Where Friendship Goes Wrong, I decided I would try my luck at fiction! It is going to be continuous with chapters. Hope you all enjoy! 

White walls, silence and voices inside her head. In her mind she was standing on a beach but in reality she was in a psych ward. Ava rolls over and opens her eyes. She sees her mom, Becca, looking at her worried. 

    "It's OK mom," Ava mumbles. 

    "I don't know how you could say that at a time like this" her mom says back. Ava closes her eyes and attempts to go back to the beach again but it was hopeless. She sits up in the bed and looks around but there really wasn't much to look at. "How long have I been in here?" Ava says. 

    "It doesn't matter" her mom says. Ava looks at mother who finally finally gives in and says 

    "one week." 

    "When can I go home"? Ava asks. Her mom gets up and walks over to her bed and grabs her hand.     "It's to hard to say honey. I wish I knew but you took a turn for the worst. You were doing so well until you tried to kill yourself." Tears start to form in the pit of her eye as she tries to remain strong. "We almost lost you. They want to put you on a new med and I don't know what to think about it. You were doing so well a few weeks ago, I don't know what happened." Ava turns pale because she knew what happened but she was to afraid to say what it was. 

    "It doesn't matter now, I want to go home. Anywhere is better than here." Ava says starting to get frustrated.

The doctor suddenly walks into her room and starts talking medical talk that neither of them understands. Ava and her mom both nod their heads in agreement even though they don't know what they are agreeing to. 

    "Do you know what he just said?" Ava asks her mom. 

    "No, I was hoping you did." She responds. 

    "Well I guess we are just screwed." Ava says. Her mom leaves the room, hoping to try and find someone to explain what was going on better. Ava plops back in her bed, trying to find something to do in the mean time but there was nothing, so she sat, absorbing the silence. This was the first time  in a while she felt at peace, no voices. She was so relaxed that she started to doze off again. She wakes up to her  mom shaking  her by the shoulders back and forth. Apparently the doctor had given Ava something which is why she had been so out of it. 

    "We need to leave," her mom says "get dressed, we need to leave." Ava looks at her mom confused, wasn't she stuck here? "Hurry!" her mom yells. Ava starts getting dressed but it wasn't the easiest thing to do because of how drugged she was. She kept trying to get her pants on but she kept falling over because she couldn't get her feet through the holes. Ava says "Mom what is going on?"

    "He is trying to kill you." she tells her. "I thought you were safe here, but I was wrong."

©Amanda Catherine 

Where Friendship Goes Wrong: A True Story: Assaulted... Again

As Anna and Lincoln start arguing in the middle of his living room his family took notice and was trying to figure out what was going on with them. Anna could care less, because she already wasn't to fond of their mom because of their past experiences. As the argument between them became more heated Anna started grabbing all her stuff and heading for the door again. It was starting to feel like she was never going to leave this house. Anna makes it outside and runs to her car before Lincoln can catch her and get in turns on the car and speeds off. All she knew was that she couldn't face him and she couldn't face his family judging her for all her mistakes. She starts driving not sure where to go. Her parents think that she is at Ashley and Lincoln's for dinner so she could go where ever her heart desired. She ended up at the park that was about a half a mile away from where Ashley and Lincoln's house is. This is where she came to do her deepest thinking. 

While she sat in her favorite swing she put her headphones in trying to tone out the whole world around her. It was getting dark but none of that mattered, she needed to cool off. Her phone kept ringing and it was always Ashley, Anna kept ignoring it. She started getting really freaked out when she kept getting phone calls from Lincoln only a few minutes apart from each other. Her voicemail box kept getting fuller and fuller until all the phone calls just stopped. She pulls out her phone and starts going through it, but she didn't dare listen to those voicemail's. It was at this point that she wished she had unlimited texting from the overwhelming amount of them she was getting. She finally decides to at least call Ashley back and let her know she was OK. As the phone starts ringing she feels a grab on her shoulder. Anna turns around and closes her phone in shock as soon as she saw who it was. "How is it going" he says. Anna stands there in silence. "David, what are you doing here, I thought I was the only one ever out this late." "Well I live across the street and when I saw you speed down I thought I would come check on you." Anna smiles and says "that is very sweet but believe me you do not want to know what is going on with me, you will find out how crazy I really am. And not in the good way." "We all have our pasts" he says. Well in that case Anna mumbles as she starts to break down and tell him everything that had just happened. 

Anna finishes up telling him everything she sees a shadow from someone heading toward them. As it starts to get closer Anna could tell that it was Lincoln. Anna tells David that is was probably best that he left, but he refused to leave. She kept insisting because she knew how bad it may get, But he still refused. Anna looks at David and says "you wanna get outta here? I don't know a lot but I know I don't wanna be here." They both come to an agreement to leave and they ended up at a park further away. As they get to the park Anna looks at her phone and all that was on there was a text fro Lincoln calling her a bitch and a coward for running away from the confrontation. But as Anna was away from Lincoln they more she realized how out of control everything had got. She didn't want to be the girl who was to afraid to face reality and her reality was that she chose was to mess around with her assaulter because at least he liked her. This had to turn into a thing of the past for her. Like a bad memory no one wants to remember.

A few weeks go by and Anna had made no contact with Lincoln and she was spending more time on her school work, which is something she had never done. It turned into a nice distraction for her. She was also spending more and more time with David. He was a breath of fresh air to be around because not only did he not judge her for her past mistakes but he helped her not make new ones. All was going well until Lincoln stopped by the school to see Ashley. While Anna was walking out of school putting her books back in her book bag she looks up and there he is standing beneath a tree, right next to her car. Not giving a single care Anna walks up to her car and starts putting her stuff in it to leave. Lincoln slowly begins to walk toward her hoping that she wouldn't notice, but it is because of him that she noticed everything it seemed like. She doesn't even look at him and says and "you should stop being such a creeper, it's not cool." He says fine and comes up to her and catches her off guard as she is walking and shoves her up against the car and starts touching her all over while screaming "I guess this is what you like, You're such a whore!" Anna struggles to get away as he starts trying to take off her clothes but it wasn't working. She ends up being in a position to knee him in the groin and takes advantage of it. Once she knees him in the groin she pushes him over to have more time to get away. She gets in her car and locks the door and climbs to the front seat, Lincoln is still on the floor and Anna drives away never looking back.

©Amanda Catherine

  

Where Friendship Goes Wrong: A True Story: Run

Anna continues running to her car more flustered than ever. She tries to get her keys and drops them on the sidewalk, tries to grab them and then trips over her book bag. She couldn't believe what was happening to her and she wanted this nightmare to end. She gets her keys and gets the door to her car unlocked and throws all her stuff in it. She hears the screen door open and whips around and yells "I am not in the mood for your bullshit anymore." Lincoln stops mid step and starts to get even more angry with Anna. He didn't understand what was wrong with her and she didn't care to elaborate as to why she was so upset. To her it was obvious. He proceeds to walk over to her car as Anna is getting in and puts his hand to the door and pushes it close. Anna now looking at the concrete crying says "what do you want, haven't you done enough? He tries to wipe away her tears but Anna jerks away and does it herself. She starts to look around and get all adjudicated and says "you don't get to do this, you don't get to come out here and try and make everything better. It's ruined and you ruined it." Lincoln looks at her and grabs her chin to make better eye contact and says "I never meant to hurt you. I am so sorry." "I don't trust you and how dare you say that to me. You knew what you were doing." Anna whispers back to him. "Have I ever told you how pretty you are he continues, your eyes are so beautiful. It's like I can see you, like really see you." Anna at this point in time really wants to make a snarky comment but starts to get weak in the knees from everything that he is saying to her. They stand in the street staring at each other for a while neither one of them wanting to make the next move. Time goes by but still feels like they are the only ones in the world or at least on this street.

Anna wanted to believe everything that Lincoln was saying to her but a little voice in the back of her head was telling her to run, run and never look back. In her mind she was trying to talk herself out of everything she was wanting to believe. But it all came down to why is he doing this. 

As she focuses back on reality the only words that leave her mouth are "why are you doing this?" This was a valid question and she needed to know for her own sake and sanity. He bounces back with "why are you pushing me away?" "You know why I am pushing you away" she snaps and continues with "now it's your turn." He looks at her, really looks at her and goes back inside leaving Anna alone. She starts talking to herself and getting really angry with everything that had just happened. Knowing she needs to go home eventually she gets in her car and just sits in it. At least I am in the car she thought to herself, that's half the battle. A few minutes go by and she starts her car to head home. Right as she does this Ashley and her mom pull up in the driveway. Anna tries to compose herself to make it look like she wasn't just put through emotional hell and gets out of her car to say hi to them. Anna heads up to the driveway when Ashley's mom stops her and says that she should stay for dinner. Anna immediately says no but thanks her for the offer. As soon as she says no Ashley pops up and says "Why not? I miss you, please stay we already cleared it with your mom." Anna's face turns pale as she says "well OK, I guess I could try and... yeah that sounds good." Ashley grabs her arm and drags her inside and yells at Lincoln that Anna was staying for dinner. He comes out of his room tries to hide the fact that he was just crying. He walks next to Anna and says "OK that's cool, I guess... whatever."

If there was one thing Anna could feel right now that was his pain, mainly because she felt the same. They both did not want to be in the same room together. Ashley turns on the TV and all Anna can think of is "yes, finally some distraction." As Anna sits on the sofa she was expecting Ashley to plop next to her, but instead she sits on the floor next to Anna's feet. Anna tried to get Ashley to switch spots with her but it was useless. Lincoln comes in the living room and stops because he realized where he would have to sit. Ashley notices and says "You big baby just sit next to Anna, I swear she doesn't bite." He tried to turn around but gets stopped again and gets forced into staying. As he goes to sit next to Anna, Anna tries to scoot as far over to the one side as she can having flashbacks from the last time they sat near each other. Ashley notices and comments on how weird they are both acting. They both blow it off and try to keep it cool. That is until Lincoln put his hand on her hand when no one was looking, Anna tried to just ignore it and pulled her hand away but then he put his hand on her leg and that made Anna explode. At that point in time Anna and Lincoln were right where they left off again. Screaming at each other and getting no where, except this time it was in front of people and those people definitely  noticed. 

©Amanda Catherine 

Glimmer (A Poem)

Everything is OK

At least that is what I tell myself.

I turn on the radio,

see what new jam is on.

Nothing new, 

just songs that 

remind me of you.

I try to listen 

but it is too hard.

My mind flashbacks

to all the moments we

had together 

driving in my car,

With nothing to do.

Staring at the stars

that are oh so bright.

With each glimmer

a new moment is made 

that we will never 

want to take back.

I remember those times now

as I walk these 

empty streets alone.

My mind wanders 

with every corner I turn,

I hope to see you but

You are never in sight.

My hopes are to high

when it comes to the 

reality of you.

We lost ourselves 

which means I lost you.

©Amanda Catherine

Where Friendship Goes Wrong: A True Story: A New Day

As the sun starts to rise Anna is laying in her bed with her eyes wide open. Her thoughts had successfully kept her up all night. She didn't know whether to be excited about going to school and seeing everyone or not. Her first instinct was no, but maybe today was different, a new day of sorts. She disables her alarm before it goes off and heads to the bathroom to start getting ready. She looks at herself in the mirror and all she can think about is how messed up she is becoming. And is it normal to feel this way. She slaps on some foundation and eye shadow and runs upstairs after she hears her dad leave, She did not want to be in the middle of that whole catastrophe. Anna looks at her mom and says "hey I was thinking of going to Ashley's after school if that's OK." Her mom more or less looked surprised at the fact that her and Ashley were talking again. "Sure if that's what you wanna do" her mom says. "I think so" Anna replied back. Today was the day that Anna was allowed to take the car to school since it was a half day so she grabs the keys and heads out the door. 

As she pulls into the student parking lot she sees Jenny in her car crying. Anna thinks to herself don't partake in whatever is going on over there. Anna parks the car and gets out and starts to head over to her other group of friends she had been making when she hears from a far off distance "Anna wait! I need to talk to you!" Pretending to not hear her Anna heads inside to get her locker. All of the sudden she looks behind her and there is Jenny all flustered. Anna stops and Jenny crashes into her. As they both fall to the ground Jenny says "I've missed you and I have big news to tell you!" Anna had the look of complete dumbfoundedness on her face. "Why would she want to tell me anything" she thinks to herself. "OMG!" she says, "I just found out that David likes you!" "Well that's odd Anna" says. Anna was always trying to set him up with other people to hide the fact that she liked him too. "Wait" Anna says "Isn't he still in a relationship with another girl!" Jenny says "YES! But he told me on accident that he was thinking about you a lot lately." Flattered Anna didn't know what to say when she saw him in class so she figured she would just wing it. "Wait" Anna says, "weren't you just balling your eyes out in your car?" "Oh yeah" Jenny says, I was just dumped by Lincoln, he didn't really say why so I was so upset but when I saw you I just became so excited about the David thing so I had to tell you." "What the hell, you were dating Lincoln? Have we not been talking for that long. "Well it has been about 2 months" Jenny says. As she continues with her story Anna goes off in her thoughts about Lincoln and why he would dump Jenny. And why she was even dating him in the first place. Then Anna remembered that no one believed her when she said what Lincoln had done to her. This made her mad, mad that no one believed her still and mad that he would try and date one of her friends. "That's it" Anna says "I'm going over there to deal with him after school." Jenny says "It isn't really that big of a deal I guess he was a jerk to me, kept saying he was trying to make you jealous but you never noticed.

Anna and Jenny finally finish talking and both end up late to their first class, but none of that mattered at this point. Anna sat in her chair tapping her pencil, foot and finger on the desk wanting for this day to be over, She had some stuff she needed to deal with. As soon as the clock hit noon and school was over Anna grabbed all of her stuff and started heading over to Ashley's house. She knew Lincoln would be there. As she pulled up to their house she was filled with rage, she knocks on the door and Lincoln answers it. Anna stood there frozen. She had these things she had planned out to say to him but as soon as she saw him her speech stuttered and didn't make sense. He just looked at her and then grabs her and kisses her. Anna pushes him away and says "I can't believe you did that and dated Jenny just to get back at me. The worst part is I was unintentionally falling for you. All part of you master plan right" He walks away from her and says "you aren't wrong. I've liked you ever since I laid eyes on you. My actions just came off wrong." More angry Anna walks toward him and say you mean you assaulting me came off wrong? Wow you are something special aren't you. I can't keep doing this with you! You ruined everything the moment you laid hands on me." He turns toward Anna and gets really close to her and says "you didn't push me away did you?" Anna pushes him away and says "there I pushed you away!" and continued with "you can't keep doing this to me! You cannot play this game with me anymore. You are in my head and you need to get out!" Lincoln grabs her and kisses her again, but no matter how hard she fought Anna could not control her emotions anymore she gave into him completely. In the back of her mind she could see her flash before her eyes. All the hurt that she was dealing with and how this wasn't making it better. As soon as she was able to get her thoughts back on track and make sense of what was happening she used all of her might to push him away. Lincoln was starting to get upset with Anna and punches a wall. Anna grabs all of her stuff and says "you need to think about what you are doing and how this is making me feel and then leaves.

©Amanda Catherine

Where Friendship Goes Wrong: A True Story: Bad Feelings

Tap, tap, tap. Anna sits alone in her room tapping her pen wanting to write about what happened to her lately but her mind was blocked. She hadn't been over to Ashley's since the whole incident with Lincoln. Her mind had been fuzzy ever since then. It was like she was living in a clouded nightmare. The worst part was that she was starting to like Lincoln. She started to believe that this is how boys treat the girls that they like. Anna puts her pen to her paper and then draws a heart and writes Anna + Lincoln in it. She almost barfed at the thought but this was the only guy who had shown interest in her, even though it was bad. "Maybe I am just reading into things to much" she thinks. She thinks back on how they first met and how her sexually assaulted her and how that made her feel. "Maybe I can change him" Anna says to herself as she throws her pen down.

Frustrated with her feelings Anna tries to find something to do to preoccupy her time. She grabs her black nail polish, opens her window and starts painting her nails. With each stroke she makes she became more upset with herself. She hadn't ever dealt with how she felt about what happened to her. Her moms idea of dealing with it was not dealing with it. Whenever she would bring up the idea about her going to therapy her mom would change the subject and her dad had no idea what had even happened to her. Everyone else thought that she had just said that Lincoln did this to her for the attention so she had never felt more alone. After getting lost in her thoughts Anna looks at her nails and expects them to look good. They looked like a disaster. "Hhhmmmm, what's this, a metaphor for my life" she complains as she starts getting the nail polish remover. "To bad I can't wipe away my life like this" she says growing in frustration. She looks at her phone to see if anyone had texted her. She would have even been OK with a stupid chain text but there was nothing. Even though she was upset about no one talking to her, she understood. 

Anna starts thinking again about anything she wanted to write about since her thoughts were the only ones that listened to her. She starts to write some lines and it read "so much pain, it all goes to my head sometimes I wish I were dead. She lets her thoughts take over her and continues with "I'm so lost and so alone. My life is a constant fog. There is nothing to keep me here, no life to call my own." She stops and sits alone in her room in silence. She never thought that she would have felt like this. 

She takes her pen and writes I am alone on her arm and then added a heart with an arrow going through it.

©Amanda Catherine

I have never ever written or talked about this moment to anyone before. I was a lost 17 year old who hadn't learned much about relationships yet. Today marks 10 years to the day that these thoughts happened. I am better than what I was then, not that it was hard to compete with. 
Amanda

Flowers (A Poem)

Flowers, colorful like a summers day

All worries and cares away.

Bright and beautiful

Like the radiance of the world.

The sun shines down on you

and sometimes rain will fall from the

clouds that gaze upon you.

©Amanda Catherine

Mystery (A Poem)

My mind
Is a mystery.
Where the pages
Don't fit and
The book doesn't
Make sense.
All the words
Are lost
But the pictures
Are there.

It feels as if
I have lost
My mind.
All these images
Keep coming
Like open
Flood gates.
But it is reality
That I never see.

©Amanda Catherine

Mean (A Poem)

You yell 

at me and 

I watch your

every step

as you wind

up to make 

your next move. 

I look 

for an

escape but

there is no 

where to run. 

All I can 

think in my 

head is 

what did I 

do to make 

you turn so

mean,

and more 

importantly 

to take your

anger 

out on me. 

I would say 

I am 

sorry,

but I know 

it won't matter.

My mind blanks 

out as you 

are yelling 

at me telling 

me how 

stupid I am.

Maybe you

are right 

or maybe you

are misdirected. 

©Amanda Catherine

Ambitions (A Poem)

I am 

not smart,

or am I?

I was always 

told I 

would never

 amount to anything.

Why do you 

even try? 

It won't help,

they always say.

In the back 

of my mind,

I know I

will amount to more.

All they see

is a girl 

who is lost,

and looking

for meaning,  

But I can 

assure you

I'm only

getting started,

you just wait

and see.

There is

so much more

to me.

©Amanda Catherine

I write for life (A Poem/ Blurb)

I write for life

I write for love.

I write to see the world from up above.

My life is a story waiting to written 

There is so much to be said,

so much between the lines.

Will you take this ride with me

and explore my life as it is meant to be.

©Amanda Catherine

                                   

The Girl Of Mystery (A Poem)

I look at you,

you look at me. 

I had a feeling 

it was meant to be. 

You walk my way

you make me blush.

Could this be lust?

You come closer

and walk right past.

You were looking

at the girl of my past.

The girl who

dreams of lust,

the girl of which 

loving herself 

wasn't a must. 

I look behind me

as you leave 

with the girl of mystery. 

©Amanda Catherine

Where Friendship Goes Wrong: A True Story: The Family Vaca

Over Spring Break Anna finds herself  out of town visiting family. This not one her most favorite things to do, since she is the misfit of the family but it always makes things interesting. Her family has made arrangements to stay in the family trailer for the weekend. "Here's to getting eaten by mosquitoes" Anna thinks to herself, since the trailer is next to a lake. She packed up her suitcase for another move and gets in her grandparents' car. As they start to head out Anna gets a text from Remy and it reads "I'll see you later." Anna just stares at her phone in stunned silence. "Wait what?" She says, apparently her cousins had invited him to the lake since they are best friends with him. "Aw crap" Anna says to herself. "How in the heck is this going to work?" 

As they pull up to the trailer Anna looks around and it doesn't look like anyone else had arrived yet. Which is normal, her family is always late to everything. She hops out of her grandparents' car and looks around, she hasn't  been here in a while. She asks her grandma if the cute little coffee was still up the way as she points in the wrong direction. Her grandma grabs her arm and says "Yes" as she moves her arm in the right direction. "I'm going to go there in a little bit then once I get all my stuff out of the car" Anna says. Wanting to get away from there before the hoard arrives she rushes and grabs her stuff out of the car and quickly puts it inside. 

As she starts to head to the coffee shop she sees a red van heading in her direction. "Can I hide in a bush" she thinks to herself. She looks around and there are no bushes in sight. The van pulls up next to her and the passenger side window rolls down. "Well you look the same, still chunky" her aunt says. "I had hope you would loose some weight but there you are" she continues. "What do you want" Anna says. "Oh the boys want to hang out with you" she says as her two cousins and Remy pop out of the van. They drive off and Anna says "well I was going up the street to get a coffee, you guys wanna come with me? Everyone agreed and they all continued walking. "Well this couldn't get anymore awkward" Anna thinks as she tries to make small talk with them. "Boys are so complicated" Anna thinks to herself. 

They finally find their way to and from the coffee shop and are back at the trailer. It was just Anna a and Remy sitting outside by the water. To Anna's surprise they are actually having a decent conversation, Not about what had happened with them over text, but about music, life goals, and how crazy her family is. "This is nice" Anna says "I was expecting things to be awkward." "Well there is still time for that" Remy says. "Oh yeah, things always get weird" Anna says.

 It  starts to get later in the night and everyone has passed out on their make shift beds but Anna and Remy are still up. They sat next to each other in a corner in the darkness with only their phones for light. The moment is perfect, Anna wishes that it never ends. Each of them have different stories but they were all so similar. Over text it is hard to realize that people are people but in the middle of nowhere in the dark you can really get to know someone for them and not what we perceive them to be. Anna is starting to get really attached to him. He is the only friend she has that doesn't have clouded judgments of her or her past. She knew that this was going to end bad, but her emotions started to cloud over her again. 

©Amanda Catherine

Ecstasy (A Poem)

Don’t wake me

I’m dreaming of your face

lost in the wonder

I’ll never trace.

Don’t wake me

I’m living my dreams,

Dreams where it’s just you and me

where love is our only form of ecstasy.

Don’t wake me

I’m flying high

soaring above the skyline.

Alone with my thoughts,

that always remember you.

©Amanda Catherine

A Better Me (A Poem)

You must be perfect. 

You must hide your flaws,

Hide you personality,

Hide yourself

Why is this? 

I'd rather be imperfect,

more of a story. 

Stories behind every scar

every lost dream. 

My life has never gone 

how I wanted it to. 

Never planned. 

But it has led me here. 

I am a better writer,

a better thinker

a better person.

Better then what I was

A better me. 

©Amanda Catherine 

Where Friendship Goes Wrong: A True Story: Eating Disorder Struggles

Anna is sitting alone in the lunch room during her free period staring at her doughnut and coffee her mom bought her for breakfast. More often than not this is what Anna ate all day until dinner. As she puts her head on the table and looks to the side over at her breakfast she starts poking it and putting the glaze bits in her mouth. As she closes her eyes for a second she opens them and there stands Lincoln. She starts picking up the doughnut crumbles trying to make it look like she wasn't doing what she was doing. He takes a seat across from her in the booth that she is in. She glares at him and stares at him. She doesn't trust him, as far as she is concerned this is to close for comfort with him, He continues to sit in silence looking at her. Her eyes swimming in blue were trying to drown him with all the regrets she carries with her everyday. "What do you want" she says "It's not like I have even seen you in a while so what, you transferred schools...why are you here?" Smiling he still doesn't say anything. He was obviously trying to mess with her. "Well?!" she says as she starts to get really irritated. I'm waiting for my mom to finish up with Ashley's teachers because not that you care but she is failing in school" he says. "Join the fucking club" she says. "Well I better go" he says as he starts to get up. "Also your looking a bit chubby so I wouldn't eat that if I were you" he continues. 

As Lincoln leaves Anna realizes the time and starts to head up to the 2nd floor where her counselor is. She figured she should at least try it once. When she walks into the office it looks like a janitor closet it is so tiny. Attempting to get situated the counselor starts asking her questions, all of which she did not expect. About 40 minutes goes by and Anna finds herself leaving but she doesn't remember anything that she talked about. She starts heading down the hall past the drama room and up the stairs to the 4th floor when she falls to the floor and passes out in front of her marine biology class. No one was in the class or hallways because everyone is at lunch. Her teacher heard her fall and looks out her door to see what happened. Anna is trying to talk but cannot get out much of anything. Her teacher grabs her gets her inside the classroom and starts to help her. Laying on the ground Anna sees her teacher running around trying to find any sort of food she has in her desk. She runs back over to Anna and says "you didn't eat all day again didn't you." All Anna can get out is some random words that make no sense. Eventually Anna gets to the point to where she can sit in a chair with her head between her knees. Her teacher brings over a ton of random snacks for her. She says "You should go for the candy first, it has the most sugar and then work down to the others." "Why are you doing this for me?" Anna says. "I've been watching you for a while" her teacher, Mrs. Jensen says. "You don't eat a lot and you often look pale. I've been planning for this to happen for a while since you spend your lunch hour in here." She adds. "Well it's convenient since you are my next class" Anna says. "It's only convenient because you never eat" Mrs Jensen says. "I'm to fat to eat" Anna whispers while staring at the floor. "What mean boy told you that" she replies. Anna laughs and says "You have no idea. I'm starting to feel better though so thank you." I'm not leaving you alone until you finish everything I gave you" Mrs Jensen insists. As soon as Anna would finish one snack there Mrs Jensen would be with another one. "Look you finally have color in your face" Mrs Jensen exclaims. Not knowing what to say Anna just shakes her head and smiles. 

Later in the evening after the screaming from her parents stopped, she put on her favorite CD and made up her own choreographed dance to amuse herself. Her mom didn't want to pay for her classes anymore so Anna had to find ways to keep up with it all by herself. Night is the best time of day she writes in her notebook.

<3

©AmandaCatherine