Banned Book Essay - Burned By Ellen Hopkins

Banned Book Essay – Burned by Ellen Hopkins

            There are many reasons a book might get banned. Often, none are from a valid cause of concern but more of a personal opinion about a book. Some of these will include LGBTQ issues, violence, and sexual themes within the story. What is interesting about banned books is that they are often on topics where people need to read them more because people are usually looking for acceptance that they cannot find in the real world. Author Ellen Hopkins has a wide variety of books on mental health, addiction, family issues, religion, and so much more. Many of her books are on the verge of being banned in multiple states, making them more of a must-read. The stylized verse in the book “Burned” offers a look into the life of a young girl named Pattyn, who is sent to live with her aunt in Nevada because she doesn’t fit her family's religious ideals. While she is away from home, she finds acceptance and love in not only herself but others. While this book is banned in Idaho because of its views on the Mormon community, many Mormons who have read it have enjoyed it. It has still been banned from libraries and stores. With it still being well-liked, one must wonder what in particular has made it the topic of controversy and bans.

            When Ellen Hopkins was asked about her books being banned in the ACLU article called Here’s What You Lose When You Ban Books, Hopkins herself stated, “People trying to protect children and enforce parental rights more often don’t have children rather than having a “well-funded political drive” to achieve more equal rights. Further, the authors explain that the books are usually written by or have characters representing the LGBTQIA” (This is a paraphrase; Hopkins). As the article progresses, she makes the perfect statement of empathy for the ones who read her books, saying “that her goals were always to have a more comprehensive view when most people typically have a narrow-minded view. This will allow positive or negative outcomes one will face. This shows people they have a choice and how to make a more informed decision” (This is a paraphrase; Hopkins). 

            When books are banned, the voices they are helping are taken away, leaving those who need them without an outlet to turn to. Amid all the negativity from placing a book under controversy or banning a book, we must look at the positives. There are many quotes from unknown readers showcasing her book's importance by stating, “Crank saved my life, opened my eyes to the world I was exposing myself to and rapidly getting drowned in. And then, two years later, it did the very same for my little brother. . . Thank you, Ellen, you've touched our lives forever” (Hopkins). Though this quote is about one of her other books, the effect her books have had on people is still the same: they open people to a level of understanding and hope that they have not seen before.  

            Even when opening the first page of “Burned,” anyone struggling with Hopkins's words feels accepted and understood. The first stanza has a realistic view of life and growing up; in her words, she expresses the characters' frustration with living with their parents and not having the freedom they desire. Her writing promotes a sense of growing up and all the small details that come with it. Feeling frustrated and alone is a common theme in Hopkins's writing, which is why it appeals to many people. Her ability to talk about things seen as complex subjects and make them a part of everyone is a rare gift, but this often makes those books easier to ban and more accessible to have issues with.

            As recently as February 2024, Hopkins's “Tricks” was banned again in Buncombe County, North Carolina, joining five other books, including “Burned.” Many of the parents were venting their frustrations, saying the “Crank” is “filth in poetic form,” with other parents going further and saying that her writing exposes young adults to unhealthy sexual relationships. Much of Ellen Hopkins's writing focuses on the realism of life and how it doesn’t work out perfectly for everyone. Many of her books are personal, real-life journeys of Ellen Hopkin’s family. “Crank” is about her daughter and the real-life struggles with addiction she watched her go through, and “Burned” is about a Mormon girl from whom Hopkins visited and gained inspiration.  

            Banned books will always exist, but the hope is that they will become less common over time. It’s important to look at why a book is under scrutiny or has the potential of being banned. The article Book Banning from The Free Speech Center by Susan Webb has a very sound take, stating that fear might be the biggest instigator in book banning by further citing how “book banning is becoming a very known thing in the United States and children’s literature is always the focal point. This is because the people advocating worry that the children reading will be swayed by the contents, which could have potentially dangerous consequences” (This is a paraphrase; Webb). Books on controversial topics should be welcomed and not be feared. People should be more upfront about the issues within these banned books, as banning them won’t make those sensitive topics disappear anytime soon.

Citations Page

Black, Mitchell. “Buncombe County Schools Board Bans NYT Bestselling Book; Which One?” The Asheville Citizen-Times, Asheville Citizen-Times, 20 Feb. 2024, www.citizen-times.com/story/news/local/2024/02/20/buncombe-county-board-of-education-bans-nyt-bestselling-book/72662699007/. Accessed 20 Apr. 2024.

Hopkins, Ellen. “Here’s What You Lose When You Ban My Books .” ACLU of South Carolina, 5 Dec. 2023, www.aclusc.org/en/news/heres-what-you-lose-when-you-ban-my-books. Accessed 20 Apr. 2024.

Hopkins, Ellen, and Laura Flanagan. Burned. HighBridge Co., 2009.

Staff, NCAC. “Kids’ Right to Read Project Interview with Ellen Hopkins, Author of The Banned Book Week Manifesto.” National Coalition Against Censorship, 15 Jan. 2016, ncac.org/incident/kids-right-to-read-project-interview-with-ellen-hopkins-author-of-the-banned-book-week manifesto#:~:text=My%20book%20Burned%20had%20been,including%20stores%20and%20libraries%20%E2%80%93%20everywhere. Accessed 20 Apr. 2024.

Suffocating ( A Poem)

 It's been a bit... Let's see if I even remember how to write. 

I'm stuck in nighttime

With you,

Myself. 

What am I supposed

To do? 

No distractions,

A reality I

Must face. 

My life feels

All over the place.

I'm lost inside

My head

That sometimes,

Thinks

I'll be 

Better off 

Dead. 

Sometimes

This world is

To much

To take, 

With my emotions 

All over the place. 

My thoughts

Are full

Of despair. 

I feel like 

I'm drowning,

 suffocating. 

I need to 

Come up

For air. 

©️Amanda Catherine

Breathe (A Poem)

You turn
And walk away,
Leaving me
In the pouring
Rain.
You don't
Look back,
It seems it's
Me your trying
To forget.
I hope you
Figure out what
You need, but
Never make
Your way back
To me.
The moment
You left was the
First time in a
While I was able
To breathe
And put myself
Above all else.

©️Amanda Catherine
@greeneyedwallflower

I'm sorry ( A poem)

I'm sorry I
Was your friend.
I'm sorry for the
Times we shared
Where you
Played me
Like a fiddle.
Where I was to naive
To care.

I'm sorry
I helped you,
It all seems
Like a waste now.

I'm sorry I couldn't
Be who you
Wanted me
To be.

I'm sorry that
I came across
To strong.

I'm sorry that
I cried when I
Thought I had
Done wrong.

I'm sorry I don't
Like your
Other friends
And being my
Friend wasn't
Worth it
In the end.

©️ Amanda Catherine

Little Scars: Chapter 4: Just A Little More Time

    Becca stands alone, because deep down she really is alone. It felt like everyone was against her. She asks Holly one more time

    "Who was that"? Holly rolls her eyes,

    "You wouldn't like the answer" she mumbles softly. Becca pins her against the wall and starts demanding answers, she had to know where her daughter was going and more importantly who with and... why. Holly starts laughing

    "You really are trying to hide you past aren't you? she says.

Becca steps back and puts her hands to her head in frustration,

    "I am not that person anymore!" She screams.

Silence and stares from everyone fill the air. Becca backs away and turns around and runs out the hotel lobby door. She falls to her knees and starts crying, she can't believe that this is happening all over again. She had run from this life, but it was always one step ahead of her. She has to find Ava, but she was running out of options and time.

    Ava gets out of the car and looks around. Her kidnapper stands next to her.

    "I never wanted to come back here" she says.

    "It was time" he says.

    "By the way my name is Ed" he says.

    "Such a simple name for a man who is claiming to be my worst nightmare" she says as she is smiling and walking away. She knew where she was, but the question that needed to be answered was why? Why after all these years was she brought back to here. The place that defined her in a way she hated. She looks up at the large brick building and sighs as she reads the sign "Belladonna Center for Lost Souls." She looks at her feet and kicks a rock into the building, she is frustrated and her mom is in the back of her mind. Ed starts to approach her as she slowly walk away, avoiding the inevitable was the only thing she could do at this point. Ed follow behind her and says

    "We can do this the hard way or the easy way, either way you will end up behind those walls  again."

    "I am just enjoying my last moments of solitude" she says.

    "Times up" he say as he grabs her and pulls her aggressively into the building. She looks back as the door slams behind her, the last view of sunshine she will get to see in a while.

©Amanda Catherine

Pretend (A Poem)

You made me feel bad
For something I
Didn't do.
You act like the victim
But are you really?

You are a manipulator
You can't control yourself
You lied,
Made me believe
You were something special
But you aren't.
I had faith in you,
Faith that you could
Be better than the
Look you put on.
I was wrong.

In a way I'm happy
That we no longer talk.
Happy that you
Go caught.
Happy that you
Have to explain yourself.
Happy that I don't
Have to pretend
Because this is
The end.

©Amanda Catherine

Time (A Poem)

Tick, tick, tick,
Time keeps going.
Pacing back and forth
Nervous racing.
Nothing would make him
More happy than
For time to stop.

This moment is more
Than he can take.
Reality hit him hard
And consequences
Are soon to come.
No one expected
This to happen.

All of the sudden
His life turned dark.
He lost all
he had ever
Known to some
Stupid mistake.
He can't take
It back now.
His only love
Was gone.

©Amanda Catherine

29 Things About Me For My 29th Birthday.

1. My favorite movie is Zoolander.
2. I love Mexican food
3. I can play the guitar.
4. I've been writing since I was 13.
5. I'm a colorado native.
6. My favorite animal is a flamingo.
7. I live off coffee.
8. I love to cosplay.
9. I've been suspended from high school.
10. One of my poems has been published.
11. I barely graduated high school.
12. I'm afraid of heights.
13. I danced on a team for 14 years.
14. The only thing I can draw is a flower.
15. I am an only child.
16. My most traveled place is Las Vegas.
17. I hate summer with a passion.
18. I love snow!
19. I've never been skiing.
20. My eyes are seafoam green.
21. I've been drunk.
22. I can't parallel park to save my life.
23. I am a certified phlebotomist.
24. I had braces for 5 years.
25. I am an insomniac.
26. I am very intoverted.
27. I pick at my cuticles when I'm nervous.
28. I want to travel to Maine.
29. I'm afraid of getting old(r).

Rewind (A Poem)

I lay awake,
Thinking of what
To write.
You cross my mind,
Last night
I dreamt of you.
You kissed my forehead
Made me feel
Like everything
Was ok...
Is ok.

Life wasn't terrifying
It was a beautiful
Piece of mystery.
No reason to runaway,
Every reason to hit rewind.

©Amanda Catherine

If He Is Reading ( A Poem)

I he is reading,
I want things to
Go back to the
Way they were.

If he is reading,
You messed up,
But I know I
messed up to.

If he is reading, 
I am confused
And don't know
Where we stand.
Friends or acquaintances.

If he is reading,
You tried to
Manipulate me,
This i cannot forget,
But I can eventually forgive.

If he is reading,
You said sorry
And I believe you
But somehow things
Seem to messed up
For that to matter now.

©Amanda Catherine

I Have A Secret...

I don't really even know why I am writing this but I figured some of you may want to know where I have been the last few months. It's not that I didn't want to write or not even that I didn't have ideas of what to write about. It's the fact of I no longer knew who I was writing to. When I first started blogging no one ever read my posts and then I started writing about my life and my posts started getting way more views than I had ever expected. But then me writing about my past events honestly made me so depressed I had no idea what to even do anymore. I wanted to write but I didn't want to be sad about it. I was trying to express myself and my life to others to make everyone reading not feel so alone but in return I had never felt more alone. I had to transport myself to those feelings I was trying so hard to avoid to get to raw essence of the situation I was trying to describe. In the end I had to decide whether or not I wanted to continue with the series. I tried, but they never turned out that good. No one read them and then I was just writing for what? My whole idea of why I was writing was completely gone, So I just stopped. 

I decided that what I needed to do was to get my life back on track, not that it really ever had a track to begin with, but it was worth a shot. The only problem was that my idea of getting my life back on track is working a lot. So much that I lost the idea of who I was trying to become. I want my life to have a meaning but honestly right know it has no meaning what so ever. People used to write me over my email and tell me that my poetry and my stories helped them get through rough times, or that I will be a best seller. My thought was a best seller of what? I don't know what I am doing. I will never be as good as them. But then I thought I was as good as them at one point, I just have to find that part inside of me that wanted to write, that wanted to have a purpose.

After I took a small break I started trying to write my life story again but I started thinking that no one will ever want to read what I have to say or what really happened to me. So I started writing things about my life that were not true. I was lying to all of you. I would write what happened and then make it 10 times worse than what it was in hopes that people would gain an interest again. That is never what I wanted to do, but more importantly that never even worked. After I did this I never wanted to write again until I could be truthful, so this is me being truthful. I was gone because I have no idea what I doing, I lied and I was writing for all the wrong reasons. I will start writing again but it is going to be really different. Mainly because I need to write for me. 

©Amanda Catherine

Little Scars: Chapter Two: Escape

Her mom shoves her discretely out the door, hoping no one sees them. Ava didn't know what to think, she kept hearing her mom mumble "what did I do. this is all my fault" over and over. This was not very reassuring to Ava's crumbling mental stability. Her mother takes her firmly by the hand and she takes Ava at a run down the hall toward the exit when a nurse rounds the corner, stopping them in their tracks with a "Is everything all right?"  Not knowing what to say, they don't say anything and bump past her, resuming their run, at least to the best of Ava's limited ability. This was not the easiest thing for her as the whole hospital was starting to spin, making her constantly bump into walls and people which makes the pair way more noticeable. As they approach the door that leads outside, Ava's doctor comes out of a room and spots the two of them. They desperately try to duck behind a hospital bed but it is useless, he is locked on. He walks over, feigning a casual smile that doesn't match with his stiff movements, intent on talking to them but he isn't aware that Ava's mom knows what he is trying to do. He has been planning to get back at Ava's mom because of a past breakup. The pair try to keep their cool, but he starts shoving them back to Ava's hospital room. They try to get around him but he slips in close to Ava and reaches into his pocket and pulls out a syringe and needle with some sort of white liquid in it and puts it against Ava's abdomen. Her mom tries to grab the doctor but he manages to step to the side at the last second sending her mother to the ground as he jabs the syringe into Ava's side depressing the plunger. With no where to go now her mom crawls to Ava on the floor and starts crying. Knowing that no one will help them she stays on the floor with Ava and puts her daughter's head in her lap rocking her back and forth. 

    "How could you do this, you monster!" Her mom yells at him. "What kind of person are you!" All he does is laugh and with a swirl of his lab coat, walks away his hands in his pocket hiding the empty syringe. It is becoming more obvious that this was an inside job. Her mom keeps insisting that they need to leave, but none of the staff arriving at Ava's crumpled form will allow them to leave in the state that she is in. Pretending to be overwhelmed at all the commotion of the ward her mother takes her chance when she thinks no one is looking and scoops Ava into a vacant wheel chair sitting in the hallway from an earlier patient and runs, runs as fast as she can through the exit before anyone can catch her. Not looking back but hearing everyone yelling at her to stop she continues and runs to their car that is parked a few blocks away. Once she gets the car she doesn't even think, she puts Ava in the backseat and starts the car and looks in the mirror to see all the staff running toward the car. "They are at least a block away" she thinks to herself. Putting the car in drive she leaves and speeds off as fast as she can. All that matters to her is getting Ava to safety. Once she hits the highway she doesn't know where to go, so she keeps driving, not caring what direction she is going hoping, the effects of the drug wear off soon. The further away she is from that man the better. 

Eventually she had to stop, she had been driving for hours and her eyes are starting to glaze over. Deciding to find a hotel room she exits the highway and goes to the furthest hotel from the highway, not wanting to take chances. As she pulls into the hotel parking lot and walks inside she finds an unsuspected person who she did not want to see. 

©Amanda Catherine

Little Scars: Chapter One: Voices

This is my new story. I am having so much fun writing Where Friendship Goes Wrong, I decided I would try my luck at fiction! It is going to be continuous with chapters. Hope you all enjoy! 

White walls, silence and voices inside her head. In her mind she was standing on a beach but in reality she was in a psych ward. Ava rolls over and opens her eyes. She sees her mom, Becca, looking at her worried. 

    "It's OK mom," Ava mumbles. 

    "I don't know how you could say that at a time like this" her mom says back. Ava closes her eyes and attempts to go back to the beach again but it was hopeless. She sits up in the bed and looks around but there really wasn't much to look at. "How long have I been in here?" Ava says. 

    "It doesn't matter" her mom says. Ava looks at mother who finally finally gives in and says 

    "one week." 

    "When can I go home"? Ava asks. Her mom gets up and walks over to her bed and grabs her hand.     "It's to hard to say honey. I wish I knew but you took a turn for the worst. You were doing so well until you tried to kill yourself." Tears start to form in the pit of her eye as she tries to remain strong. "We almost lost you. They want to put you on a new med and I don't know what to think about it. You were doing so well a few weeks ago, I don't know what happened." Ava turns pale because she knew what happened but she was to afraid to say what it was. 

    "It doesn't matter now, I want to go home. Anywhere is better than here." Ava says starting to get frustrated.

The doctor suddenly walks into her room and starts talking medical talk that neither of them understands. Ava and her mom both nod their heads in agreement even though they don't know what they are agreeing to. 

    "Do you know what he just said?" Ava asks her mom. 

    "No, I was hoping you did." She responds. 

    "Well I guess we are just screwed." Ava says. Her mom leaves the room, hoping to try and find someone to explain what was going on better. Ava plops back in her bed, trying to find something to do in the mean time but there was nothing, so she sat, absorbing the silence. This was the first time  in a while she felt at peace, no voices. She was so relaxed that she started to doze off again. She wakes up to her  mom shaking  her by the shoulders back and forth. Apparently the doctor had given Ava something which is why she had been so out of it. 

    "We need to leave," her mom says "get dressed, we need to leave." Ava looks at her mom confused, wasn't she stuck here? "Hurry!" her mom yells. Ava starts getting dressed but it wasn't the easiest thing to do because of how drugged she was. She kept trying to get her pants on but she kept falling over because she couldn't get her feet through the holes. Ava says "Mom what is going on?"

    "He is trying to kill you." she tells her. "I thought you were safe here, but I was wrong."

©Amanda Catherine 

Where Friendship Goes Wrong: A True Story: Run

Anna continues running to her car more flustered than ever. She tries to get her keys and drops them on the sidewalk, tries to grab them and then trips over her book bag. She couldn't believe what was happening to her and she wanted this nightmare to end. She gets her keys and gets the door to her car unlocked and throws all her stuff in it. She hears the screen door open and whips around and yells "I am not in the mood for your bullshit anymore." Lincoln stops mid step and starts to get even more angry with Anna. He didn't understand what was wrong with her and she didn't care to elaborate as to why she was so upset. To her it was obvious. He proceeds to walk over to her car as Anna is getting in and puts his hand to the door and pushes it close. Anna now looking at the concrete crying says "what do you want, haven't you done enough? He tries to wipe away her tears but Anna jerks away and does it herself. She starts to look around and get all adjudicated and says "you don't get to do this, you don't get to come out here and try and make everything better. It's ruined and you ruined it." Lincoln looks at her and grabs her chin to make better eye contact and says "I never meant to hurt you. I am so sorry." "I don't trust you and how dare you say that to me. You knew what you were doing." Anna whispers back to him. "Have I ever told you how pretty you are he continues, your eyes are so beautiful. It's like I can see you, like really see you." Anna at this point in time really wants to make a snarky comment but starts to get weak in the knees from everything that he is saying to her. They stand in the street staring at each other for a while neither one of them wanting to make the next move. Time goes by but still feels like they are the only ones in the world or at least on this street.

Anna wanted to believe everything that Lincoln was saying to her but a little voice in the back of her head was telling her to run, run and never look back. In her mind she was trying to talk herself out of everything she was wanting to believe. But it all came down to why is he doing this. 

As she focuses back on reality the only words that leave her mouth are "why are you doing this?" This was a valid question and she needed to know for her own sake and sanity. He bounces back with "why are you pushing me away?" "You know why I am pushing you away" she snaps and continues with "now it's your turn." He looks at her, really looks at her and goes back inside leaving Anna alone. She starts talking to herself and getting really angry with everything that had just happened. Knowing she needs to go home eventually she gets in her car and just sits in it. At least I am in the car she thought to herself, that's half the battle. A few minutes go by and she starts her car to head home. Right as she does this Ashley and her mom pull up in the driveway. Anna tries to compose herself to make it look like she wasn't just put through emotional hell and gets out of her car to say hi to them. Anna heads up to the driveway when Ashley's mom stops her and says that she should stay for dinner. Anna immediately says no but thanks her for the offer. As soon as she says no Ashley pops up and says "Why not? I miss you, please stay we already cleared it with your mom." Anna's face turns pale as she says "well OK, I guess I could try and... yeah that sounds good." Ashley grabs her arm and drags her inside and yells at Lincoln that Anna was staying for dinner. He comes out of his room tries to hide the fact that he was just crying. He walks next to Anna and says "OK that's cool, I guess... whatever."

If there was one thing Anna could feel right now that was his pain, mainly because she felt the same. They both did not want to be in the same room together. Ashley turns on the TV and all Anna can think of is "yes, finally some distraction." As Anna sits on the sofa she was expecting Ashley to plop next to her, but instead she sits on the floor next to Anna's feet. Anna tried to get Ashley to switch spots with her but it was useless. Lincoln comes in the living room and stops because he realized where he would have to sit. Ashley notices and says "You big baby just sit next to Anna, I swear she doesn't bite." He tried to turn around but gets stopped again and gets forced into staying. As he goes to sit next to Anna, Anna tries to scoot as far over to the one side as she can having flashbacks from the last time they sat near each other. Ashley notices and comments on how weird they are both acting. They both blow it off and try to keep it cool. That is until Lincoln put his hand on her hand when no one was looking, Anna tried to just ignore it and pulled her hand away but then he put his hand on her leg and that made Anna explode. At that point in time Anna and Lincoln were right where they left off again. Screaming at each other and getting no where, except this time it was in front of people and those people definitely  noticed. 

©Amanda Catherine 

Glimmer (A Poem)

Everything is OK

At least that is what I tell myself.

I turn on the radio,

see what new jam is on.

Nothing new, 

just songs that 

remind me of you.

I try to listen 

but it is too hard.

My mind flashbacks

to all the moments we

had together 

driving in my car,

With nothing to do.

Staring at the stars

that are oh so bright.

With each glimmer

a new moment is made 

that we will never 

want to take back.

I remember those times now

as I walk these 

empty streets alone.

My mind wanders 

with every corner I turn,

I hope to see you but

You are never in sight.

My hopes are to high

when it comes to the 

reality of you.

We lost ourselves 

which means I lost you.

©Amanda Catherine

Insecurities (A Poem)

I'm sick of people

thinking that people

are flawed when

they never know 

the true story.

I am sick of people

wondering why people 

who are different

are different.

It's unique. 

I'm sick of other

people telling everyone

else how to live there lives.

You don't know what

they have gone through.

But most importantly

I am sick of looking 

in the mirror

and hearing the voices 

of everyone who has 

judged and put me down

from their own insecurities. 

I am who I am

and you telling me

who you think I 

am is not going to 

change that. 

©Amanda Catherine

Where Friendship Goes Wrong: A True Story: A New Day

As the sun starts to rise Anna is laying in her bed with her eyes wide open. Her thoughts had successfully kept her up all night. She didn't know whether to be excited about going to school and seeing everyone or not. Her first instinct was no, but maybe today was different, a new day of sorts. She disables her alarm before it goes off and heads to the bathroom to start getting ready. She looks at herself in the mirror and all she can think about is how messed up she is becoming. And is it normal to feel this way. She slaps on some foundation and eye shadow and runs upstairs after she hears her dad leave, She did not want to be in the middle of that whole catastrophe. Anna looks at her mom and says "hey I was thinking of going to Ashley's after school if that's OK." Her mom more or less looked surprised at the fact that her and Ashley were talking again. "Sure if that's what you wanna do" her mom says. "I think so" Anna replied back. Today was the day that Anna was allowed to take the car to school since it was a half day so she grabs the keys and heads out the door. 

As she pulls into the student parking lot she sees Jenny in her car crying. Anna thinks to herself don't partake in whatever is going on over there. Anna parks the car and gets out and starts to head over to her other group of friends she had been making when she hears from a far off distance "Anna wait! I need to talk to you!" Pretending to not hear her Anna heads inside to get her locker. All of the sudden she looks behind her and there is Jenny all flustered. Anna stops and Jenny crashes into her. As they both fall to the ground Jenny says "I've missed you and I have big news to tell you!" Anna had the look of complete dumbfoundedness on her face. "Why would she want to tell me anything" she thinks to herself. "OMG!" she says, "I just found out that David likes you!" "Well that's odd Anna" says. Anna was always trying to set him up with other people to hide the fact that she liked him too. "Wait" Anna says "Isn't he still in a relationship with another girl!" Jenny says "YES! But he told me on accident that he was thinking about you a lot lately." Flattered Anna didn't know what to say when she saw him in class so she figured she would just wing it. "Wait" Anna says, "weren't you just balling your eyes out in your car?" "Oh yeah" Jenny says, I was just dumped by Lincoln, he didn't really say why so I was so upset but when I saw you I just became so excited about the David thing so I had to tell you." "What the hell, you were dating Lincoln? Have we not been talking for that long. "Well it has been about 2 months" Jenny says. As she continues with her story Anna goes off in her thoughts about Lincoln and why he would dump Jenny. And why she was even dating him in the first place. Then Anna remembered that no one believed her when she said what Lincoln had done to her. This made her mad, mad that no one believed her still and mad that he would try and date one of her friends. "That's it" Anna says "I'm going over there to deal with him after school." Jenny says "It isn't really that big of a deal I guess he was a jerk to me, kept saying he was trying to make you jealous but you never noticed.

Anna and Jenny finally finish talking and both end up late to their first class, but none of that mattered at this point. Anna sat in her chair tapping her pencil, foot and finger on the desk wanting for this day to be over, She had some stuff she needed to deal with. As soon as the clock hit noon and school was over Anna grabbed all of her stuff and started heading over to Ashley's house. She knew Lincoln would be there. As she pulled up to their house she was filled with rage, she knocks on the door and Lincoln answers it. Anna stood there frozen. She had these things she had planned out to say to him but as soon as she saw him her speech stuttered and didn't make sense. He just looked at her and then grabs her and kisses her. Anna pushes him away and says "I can't believe you did that and dated Jenny just to get back at me. The worst part is I was unintentionally falling for you. All part of you master plan right" He walks away from her and says "you aren't wrong. I've liked you ever since I laid eyes on you. My actions just came off wrong." More angry Anna walks toward him and say you mean you assaulting me came off wrong? Wow you are something special aren't you. I can't keep doing this with you! You ruined everything the moment you laid hands on me." He turns toward Anna and gets really close to her and says "you didn't push me away did you?" Anna pushes him away and says "there I pushed you away!" and continued with "you can't keep doing this to me! You cannot play this game with me anymore. You are in my head and you need to get out!" Lincoln grabs her and kisses her again, but no matter how hard she fought Anna could not control her emotions anymore she gave into him completely. In the back of her mind she could see her flash before her eyes. All the hurt that she was dealing with and how this wasn't making it better. As soon as she was able to get her thoughts back on track and make sense of what was happening she used all of her might to push him away. Lincoln was starting to get upset with Anna and punches a wall. Anna grabs all of her stuff and says "you need to think about what you are doing and how this is making me feel and then leaves.

©Amanda Catherine

High School (A Poem)

High school, 

Where dreams

Get crushed 

Into essays 

And where 

Plans turn 

Into projects.

Nerds sit up front

And underachievers 

Sit in the back. 

Cheerleaders and football players 

rule the school and 

Nerds plan to be 

Their boss's some day.

Everyone is trying

To fit in

And no one wants

To stand out.

A place where

what happens 

behind closed

doors 

no one knows. 

©Amanda Catherine

Where Friendship Goes Wrong: A True Story: Bad Feelings

Tap, tap, tap. Anna sits alone in her room tapping her pen wanting to write about what happened to her lately but her mind was blocked. She hadn't been over to Ashley's since the whole incident with Lincoln. Her mind had been fuzzy ever since then. It was like she was living in a clouded nightmare. The worst part was that she was starting to like Lincoln. She started to believe that this is how boys treat the girls that they like. Anna puts her pen to her paper and then draws a heart and writes Anna + Lincoln in it. She almost barfed at the thought but this was the only guy who had shown interest in her, even though it was bad. "Maybe I am just reading into things to much" she thinks. She thinks back on how they first met and how her sexually assaulted her and how that made her feel. "Maybe I can change him" Anna says to herself as she throws her pen down.

Frustrated with her feelings Anna tries to find something to do to preoccupy her time. She grabs her black nail polish, opens her window and starts painting her nails. With each stroke she makes she became more upset with herself. She hadn't ever dealt with how she felt about what happened to her. Her moms idea of dealing with it was not dealing with it. Whenever she would bring up the idea about her going to therapy her mom would change the subject and her dad had no idea what had even happened to her. Everyone else thought that she had just said that Lincoln did this to her for the attention so she had never felt more alone. After getting lost in her thoughts Anna looks at her nails and expects them to look good. They looked like a disaster. "Hhhmmmm, what's this, a metaphor for my life" she complains as she starts getting the nail polish remover. "To bad I can't wipe away my life like this" she says growing in frustration. She looks at her phone to see if anyone had texted her. She would have even been OK with a stupid chain text but there was nothing. Even though she was upset about no one talking to her, she understood. 

Anna starts thinking again about anything she wanted to write about since her thoughts were the only ones that listened to her. She starts to write some lines and it read "so much pain, it all goes to my head sometimes I wish I were dead. She lets her thoughts take over her and continues with "I'm so lost and so alone. My life is a constant fog. There is nothing to keep me here, no life to call my own." She stops and sits alone in her room in silence. She never thought that she would have felt like this. 

She takes her pen and writes I am alone on her arm and then added a heart with an arrow going through it.

©Amanda Catherine

I have never ever written or talked about this moment to anyone before. I was a lost 17 year old who hadn't learned much about relationships yet. Today marks 10 years to the day that these thoughts happened. I am better than what I was then, not that it was hard to compete with. 
Amanda

Life (A Poem)

We walk through
each day and
continually say
nothings changed.
When in the
back of our minds
we know that
there is so much
more we went
through.
So much more we
want to say.

Feeling frustrated
because everyone
bumps you,
stares at you and
criticizes you till
you feel like you
become less.
Less because
you care.
 Still say
everything is OK,
nothings changed
because it is
easier that way.


©Amanda Catherine