I Have A Secret...

I don't really even know why I am writing this but I figured some of you may want to know where I have been the last few months. It's not that I didn't want to write or not even that I didn't have ideas of what to write about. It's the fact of I no longer knew who I was writing to. When I first started blogging no one ever read my posts and then I started writing about my life and my posts started getting way more views than I had ever expected. But then me writing about my past events honestly made me so depressed I had no idea what to even do anymore. I wanted to write but I didn't want to be sad about it. I was trying to express myself and my life to others to make everyone reading not feel so alone but in return I had never felt more alone. I had to transport myself to those feelings I was trying so hard to avoid to get to raw essence of the situation I was trying to describe. In the end I had to decide whether or not I wanted to continue with the series. I tried, but they never turned out that good. No one read them and then I was just writing for what? My whole idea of why I was writing was completely gone, So I just stopped. 

I decided that what I needed to do was to get my life back on track, not that it really ever had a track to begin with, but it was worth a shot. The only problem was that my idea of getting my life back on track is working a lot. So much that I lost the idea of who I was trying to become. I want my life to have a meaning but honestly right know it has no meaning what so ever. People used to write me over my email and tell me that my poetry and my stories helped them get through rough times, or that I will be a best seller. My thought was a best seller of what? I don't know what I am doing. I will never be as good as them. But then I thought I was as good as them at one point, I just have to find that part inside of me that wanted to write, that wanted to have a purpose.

After I took a small break I started trying to write my life story again but I started thinking that no one will ever want to read what I have to say or what really happened to me. So I started writing things about my life that were not true. I was lying to all of you. I would write what happened and then make it 10 times worse than what it was in hopes that people would gain an interest again. That is never what I wanted to do, but more importantly that never even worked. After I did this I never wanted to write again until I could be truthful, so this is me being truthful. I was gone because I have no idea what I doing, I lied and I was writing for all the wrong reasons. I will start writing again but it is going to be really different. Mainly because I need to write for me. 

©Amanda Catherine

Where Friendship Goes Wrong: A True Story: Assaulted... Again

As Anna and Lincoln start arguing in the middle of his living room his family took notice and was trying to figure out what was going on with them. Anna could care less, because she already wasn't to fond of their mom because of their past experiences. As the argument between them became more heated Anna started grabbing all her stuff and heading for the door again. It was starting to feel like she was never going to leave this house. Anna makes it outside and runs to her car before Lincoln can catch her and get in turns on the car and speeds off. All she knew was that she couldn't face him and she couldn't face his family judging her for all her mistakes. She starts driving not sure where to go. Her parents think that she is at Ashley and Lincoln's for dinner so she could go where ever her heart desired. She ended up at the park that was about a half a mile away from where Ashley and Lincoln's house is. This is where she came to do her deepest thinking. 

While she sat in her favorite swing she put her headphones in trying to tone out the whole world around her. It was getting dark but none of that mattered, she needed to cool off. Her phone kept ringing and it was always Ashley, Anna kept ignoring it. She started getting really freaked out when she kept getting phone calls from Lincoln only a few minutes apart from each other. Her voicemail box kept getting fuller and fuller until all the phone calls just stopped. She pulls out her phone and starts going through it, but she didn't dare listen to those voicemail's. It was at this point that she wished she had unlimited texting from the overwhelming amount of them she was getting. She finally decides to at least call Ashley back and let her know she was OK. As the phone starts ringing she feels a grab on her shoulder. Anna turns around and closes her phone in shock as soon as she saw who it was. "How is it going" he says. Anna stands there in silence. "David, what are you doing here, I thought I was the only one ever out this late." "Well I live across the street and when I saw you speed down I thought I would come check on you." Anna smiles and says "that is very sweet but believe me you do not want to know what is going on with me, you will find out how crazy I really am. And not in the good way." "We all have our pasts" he says. Well in that case Anna mumbles as she starts to break down and tell him everything that had just happened. 

Anna finishes up telling him everything she sees a shadow from someone heading toward them. As it starts to get closer Anna could tell that it was Lincoln. Anna tells David that is was probably best that he left, but he refused to leave. She kept insisting because she knew how bad it may get, But he still refused. Anna looks at David and says "you wanna get outta here? I don't know a lot but I know I don't wanna be here." They both come to an agreement to leave and they ended up at a park further away. As they get to the park Anna looks at her phone and all that was on there was a text fro Lincoln calling her a bitch and a coward for running away from the confrontation. But as Anna was away from Lincoln they more she realized how out of control everything had got. She didn't want to be the girl who was to afraid to face reality and her reality was that she chose was to mess around with her assaulter because at least he liked her. This had to turn into a thing of the past for her. Like a bad memory no one wants to remember.

A few weeks go by and Anna had made no contact with Lincoln and she was spending more time on her school work, which is something she had never done. It turned into a nice distraction for her. She was also spending more and more time with David. He was a breath of fresh air to be around because not only did he not judge her for her past mistakes but he helped her not make new ones. All was going well until Lincoln stopped by the school to see Ashley. While Anna was walking out of school putting her books back in her book bag she looks up and there he is standing beneath a tree, right next to her car. Not giving a single care Anna walks up to her car and starts putting her stuff in it to leave. Lincoln slowly begins to walk toward her hoping that she wouldn't notice, but it is because of him that she noticed everything it seemed like. She doesn't even look at him and says and "you should stop being such a creeper, it's not cool." He says fine and comes up to her and catches her off guard as she is walking and shoves her up against the car and starts touching her all over while screaming "I guess this is what you like, You're such a whore!" Anna struggles to get away as he starts trying to take off her clothes but it wasn't working. She ends up being in a position to knee him in the groin and takes advantage of it. Once she knees him in the groin she pushes him over to have more time to get away. She gets in her car and locks the door and climbs to the front seat, Lincoln is still on the floor and Anna drives away never looking back.

©Amanda Catherine

  

Nightmare (A Poem)

I am your

minds worst nightmare.

I'll make

you think

about things 

you would rather 

ignore. 

Beauty is

a lie.

Girls put

on make up

for what? 

To impress

those 

judging eyes

that watch

their every

move. 

For men 

being buff is

the way, 

if not you 

must be gay 

because there

is only one

right way. 

Why?

Call me crazy

but I will

question you.

I am your

minds worst

nightmare. 

We are taught

to think the same.

I dare you

to think 

differently.

If you don't

we are just 

playing the 

biggest game 

of follow the

leader. 

©Amanda Catherine

Misfit (A Poem)

There are so 

many things in life

we can be.

The choices are

endless.

Many of us

get wrapped up

in what we think

we should be.

But miss one 

very important fact.

It's OK to be

the one that no one

understands.

The one that 

walks a different 

path then others.

No one person

is the same. 

That is why

I choose to be

me. 

©Amanda Catherine

Where Friendship Goes Wrong: A True Story: Abuse & Death

Anna's life begins to haunt her while she starts to over think everything. She never thought that she would have been the act of someone trying to do a "good deed" or however you wanna look at it. She knew that it wasn't her fault, but she couldn't help to think that this was all her fault. She should have been more desirable, stable, and just all around OK. She knew or at least hoped that being damaged was acceptable, by someone. Everyone has flaws and that's OK, at least maybe... "being perfect is boring" she thinks to herself, as she sits alone on the park swing set. Talking to David made her second guess everything that she thought was so right in her life. Friends don't treat friends like dirt and make them feel small. Parents aren't supposed to make their kids feel like they can't do anything and it is definitely not acceptable to throw stuff and your daughter because you are mad. 

Anna's home life was getting a lot worse. She didn't know how to handle it, so she often decided to ignore it. If she didn't think about it, it wasn't happening. Anna's dad is becoming an addict, and that made his temper become worse. The worst incident was when he threw tools at her and her mom because he was mad while trying to do some repair work. That made her and her mom pack up their things and leave, to bad he never even noticed or cared. As Anna leans her head on the swing chain a tear runs down her cheek. Nothing in her life was normal, but then again what is? As Anna continues to ponder things she looks around the neighborhood and wonders if anyone's life is as crazy as hers. Ever since her mom and her went back home from leaving her dad she finds herself not wanting to be home a lot. The park swing became her place of peace or "fortress of solitude". 

Anna gets a text on her phone, she wants to ignore it but she decides to look at it. What she reads makes her fall off the swing. One of her childhood friends had died. He wasn't in her life to much now because he changed to much for them to still be friends. But she still can't overcome this flood of sadness that is taking over her. As she starts walking over to his house she keeps trying to think about what happened. As she approaches the door his brother comes outside her and tells her everything that happened. He had gotten into a high speed chase in a stolen car and got into a serious car accident that killed him. After telling her what happened he asked her to leave because things were so tense in the house. Anna can take a hint so she left. As she got to the end of the block she started crying her eyes out. She sits on the corner next to the gutter and composes herself before she makes the journey home. Her dad thinks that crying is stupid and annoying so if she came home crying who knows what he would say. 

©Amanda Catherine

I've been debating on writing about this for a while. I've been hinting at the problems with my dad for a while but I didn't know how to write about it. I hope that no one thinks of my dad as a bad person, as he did over come his addiction. But this is to much apart of my life for me to not write about. No more hiding, acting like it didn't happen. This is it. This is as real as it gets. 

<3 MandAnna

(pardon the grammar mistakes if there are any.)

<3

Where Friendship Goes Wrong: A True Story: Sneaking into an R Rated Movie!

We all have that one friend that you aren't really close with but that you still love hanging out with even though they get you into trouble... a lot. This, for Anna, was her friend named Lisa. Anna and Lisa grew up together but when Middle school came they both went to different schools. Many of there encounters lately were random coffee shop meetings or Anna hanging out with her and all her friends. These hang outs always made Anna feel awkward as she did not know any of Lisa's new friends, but at least they gave her something to do. One weekend, while Anna was out and about with her mom they ran into Lisa and her mom. Anna and Lisa got to talking and they had made plans to go see a movie later that evening. Lisa drove so at least Anna wouldn't have to face getting dropped off by her mom later that evening. As Anna and her mom continue doing their weekend shopping her mom starts talking to her about how Anna needs to have more friends like Lisa. Anna just rolls her eyes as she slouches in the passenger seat of their old pick up truck. Her mom didn't know what Lisa had become. Sure she wasn't as bad as Jenny and Ashley but she wasn't no perfect princess either. 

Anna started thinking about the history that they have together since it is a long history, longer than ever her and Jenny have. When Anna and Lisa were in Elementary School they were pretty much inseparable. They hung out all the time because they had on huge thing in common, they were both only child's. It seems like a silly thing to get along over but only children have a history of being overly spoiled so no one ever wanted to hang out with them because of this. For Lisa this sort of judgement would be very accurate. She was her parents perfect princess who could do no wrong. As for Anna, she never really wanted anything or had parents that thought she was perfect. Anna continues thinking and she remembered the one day in day care over summer. Anna and Lisa were hanging out together and Lisa kept making fun of Anna for being different and poking fun at all of her habits. Anna had enough and punched Lisa in the back. This wouldn't have been bad but Lisa's mom was right in front of the building when this happened. Anna got into so much trouble with everyone when this happened. More with Lisa's parents than her own but it was still pretty awful.

Anna looks out the window of the old pick up truck and reminds her mom of when that happened at day care, Anna's mom looks at her and says "Yes, I remember that but you to have grown up since then or at least I hope you have." Anna gets a little upset and tries changing the topic and blurts out "well at least her parents actually like her." Anna didn't know why this was the first thing to come out of her mouth when she was mad but she decided to roll with it. Her mom on the other hand did not say anything. Anna could tell that she was upset. She did feel bad but that is how she felt. Often times Anna's parents would spend more time arguing than helping her with anything. Anna's mom pulls into Target and says that she is sorry that she isn't around as often as she should be but that she really was trying. Anna gave her a hug and they ran into Target to grab a few things and then headed home since Anna had to get ready for her movie. 

As they pulled into the driveway Anna hops out of the truck and heads inside. Upon walking into the door she could hear her dad getting mad so she ran inside and ran down to her room and locked the door, It was going to be another night of arguing parents so she was glad she had plans with Lisa. She opens her closet and tries to find something to wear. After about 30 minutes she got a text from Lisa that said "hey, we are going to go and see "Knocked Up" at the AMC near our house". Anna got really confused as this movie is rated R. Then Lisa texted her again and said "I'll tell you more of the details when I pick you up. I'll be there in 15 minutes." Anna decided to get on MySpace really quick to see what was up in the MySpace world before Lisa got t her house. There wasn't to much going on, just a lot of feuds between Jenny and all of her ex boyfriends. She logged off as soon as she heard a car come up the street and headed out the door, She gets into to Lisa's Jeep that her parents had bought her and they head off. In the car Lisa started telling Anna about how they were meeting some of her friends there that are 17 so they will open up the side door to the theater once they get tickets and get inside. Anna reluctantly agrees, She hates doing things she isn't supposed to, even though that's all that she does most of the time. The get to the movie theater and park and head to the side door. The whole time Anna was thinking couldn't we just get tickets for a PG-13 movie and then go to the other movie? Either way she found herself tucked in a corner waiting for Lisa's friends to let them in, it was obvious that she had done this before. Her friends walk around the corner and she waves at them to let them in. A guy comes to the door and lets them in. Anna had never met this guy before but him and Lisa were holding hands like they were in a relationship. Anna didn't care she always got super uncomfortable around people that she didn't know which always led her to stutter so getting ditched wasn't worst thing to happen to her. As they walked into the theater to take their seats workers were walking around checking peoples' tickets. Anna started freaking out because she did not have one. The worker approaches her and winks at her and skips her this made her even more confused. Did the guy think she was cute or did Lisa's friends know him. Either was her sudden small panic attack started to drift away.

They stay for the whole movie and when they leave Anna and Lisa follow her friends out to the parking lot where they all smoke. Everyone started making sun of Anna for not smoking but that did not bother her. Anna had gotten into the habit of only smoking when she was stressed out and she was not stressed out. She also did not see a reason to. For people to like her? Well that's a stupid reason if I've ever heard one. 

To Be Continued... 

©Amanda Catherine
Check Out My Other Stories!

Friends With Benefits: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/11/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story.html

Smoking And Fights: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/10/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_15.html

Feeling Invisible: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/10/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_13.html

Inside My Head: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/10/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_8.html

My Thoughts On School Shootings: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/10/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story.html

Making New Friends: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/09/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story.html 

My Thoughts On the Story So Far: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_84.html

Anna's High School Poems 2: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_25.html

Learning How to Drive: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_24.html

Falling Pants Recital: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_22.html

Sneaking Out of the House: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_44.html

Behind The Characters: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_26.html

Valentines Dance Disaster: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_18.html

Underage Public Drinking: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_17.html

A Brief Summary 2: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_16.html

A Romantic Interest: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_15.html

Getting Banned From Hobby Lobby: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_69.html

Failing In a Mosh Pit: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_47.html

Judgmental Family: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_10.html

Anna Gets Suspended: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_9.html

Anna's High School Poems: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_8.html

A Summary Of Current Events: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_19.html

An Unexpected Turn of Events: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_6.html

Reality Sets In: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_5.html

The Unthinkable Happens: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_4.html

Truth Or Dare: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story.html

The Rumor Mill: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true_2.html

Behind The Story: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/07/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true_31.html

The Betrayal: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/07/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true_31.html

The Chain Of Inappropriate Texts: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/07/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_29.html

The Awkward Dinner: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/07/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_29.html

The Sleepover: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/07/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_28.html

Friends Becoming Friends: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/07/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story_25.html

The Introduction: http://mandamoonflower.blogspot.com/2015/07/where-friendship-goes-wrong-true-story.html

Abandon (A Poem)

I've been your friend

when you were alone.

It was nice because

I, myself, was also alone.

It was so nice having someone to talk to

with judgement tossed aside.

I really felt I could be the real me,

We were each others best friends.

I never thought that anything could

get in the way of that.

I felt like I was floating on a cloud

of hope that things

would fall into place for you and me.

I tossed all my secrets aside

and let you see how damaged I really am.

You gave me hug with tears in my eyes.

no one has ever treated me like this before.

Everything was perfect,

even if was just for one moment.

I look back on this moment

even to this day.

I wonder what happened.

We were so close for so long

now I feel like we are nothing.

Not friends or even acquaintances.

As I see you and you walk on by

I think to myself,

as I hold my emotions inside.

I'm the girl you decided to abandon.

©Amanda Catherine