Suffocating ( A Poem)

 It's been a bit... Let's see if I even remember how to write. 

I'm stuck in nighttime

With you,

Myself. 

What am I supposed

To do? 

No distractions,

A reality I

Must face. 

My life feels

All over the place.

I'm lost inside

My head

That sometimes,

Thinks

I'll be 

Better off 

Dead. 

Sometimes

This world is

To much

To take, 

With my emotions 

All over the place. 

My thoughts

Are full

Of despair. 

I feel like 

I'm drowning,

 suffocating. 

I need to 

Come up

For air. 

©️Amanda Catherine

Breathe (A Poem)

You turn
And walk away,
Leaving me
In the pouring
Rain.
You don't
Look back,
It seems it's
Me your trying
To forget.
I hope you
Figure out what
You need, but
Never make
Your way back
To me.
The moment
You left was the
First time in a
While I was able
To breathe
And put myself
Above all else.

©️Amanda Catherine
@greeneyedwallflower

Little Scars: Chapter 4: Just A Little More Time

    Becca stands alone, because deep down she really is alone. It felt like everyone was against her. She asks Holly one more time

    "Who was that"? Holly rolls her eyes,

    "You wouldn't like the answer" she mumbles softly. Becca pins her against the wall and starts demanding answers, she had to know where her daughter was going and more importantly who with and... why. Holly starts laughing

    "You really are trying to hide you past aren't you? she says.

Becca steps back and puts her hands to her head in frustration,

    "I am not that person anymore!" She screams.

Silence and stares from everyone fill the air. Becca backs away and turns around and runs out the hotel lobby door. She falls to her knees and starts crying, she can't believe that this is happening all over again. She had run from this life, but it was always one step ahead of her. She has to find Ava, but she was running out of options and time.

    Ava gets out of the car and looks around. Her kidnapper stands next to her.

    "I never wanted to come back here" she says.

    "It was time" he says.

    "By the way my name is Ed" he says.

    "Such a simple name for a man who is claiming to be my worst nightmare" she says as she is smiling and walking away. She knew where she was, but the question that needed to be answered was why? Why after all these years was she brought back to here. The place that defined her in a way she hated. She looks up at the large brick building and sighs as she reads the sign "Belladonna Center for Lost Souls." She looks at her feet and kicks a rock into the building, she is frustrated and her mom is in the back of her mind. Ed starts to approach her as she slowly walk away, avoiding the inevitable was the only thing she could do at this point. Ed follow behind her and says

    "We can do this the hard way or the easy way, either way you will end up behind those walls  again."

    "I am just enjoying my last moments of solitude" she says.

    "Times up" he say as he grabs her and pulls her aggressively into the building. She looks back as the door slams behind her, the last view of sunshine she will get to see in a while.

©Amanda Catherine

If He Is Reading ( A Poem)

I he is reading,
I want things to
Go back to the
Way they were.

If he is reading,
You messed up,
But I know I
messed up to.

If he is reading, 
I am confused
And don't know
Where we stand.
Friends or acquaintances.

If he is reading,
You tried to
Manipulate me,
This i cannot forget,
But I can eventually forgive.

If he is reading,
You said sorry
And I believe you
But somehow things
Seem to messed up
For that to matter now.

©Amanda Catherine

Little Scars: Chapter 3: Truth Exposed

Becca stands in the middle of the hotel lobby stunned. Does she run or does she approach this person?  After all it is one of her long lost friends, but they did not leave on good terms. Becca swallows her pride and goes over to say hello. She takes on step toward her and immediately regrets it. "After all these years who would have thought you and I would meet again in a crappy hotel lobby" her long lost friend Holly says. Becca doesn't say anything because she honestly didn't want to, she had more things to worry about. Aww, don't be shy, you can talk to me" Holly says. "I am just here to get a room, I don't want to start stuff with you" Becca says. Holly laughs, "I think you have more important things to worry about as your car just got taken." Becca turns around to see a man driving her car away with Ava still passed out in the backseat. "Who was that!!!" Becca screams expecting answers from anyone. No one answers, as she runs out the door after the car Holly yells "you better be careful with who you are messing with." Becca stops and turns around, Holly obviously knows what is up, the question is will she tell her and actually tell her the truth. 

Ava starts regaining conscious only to realize that there is a stranger driving her moms car. She pushes herself off the seat to sit up and says "who are you?" "I'm the person your mom has been trying to keep you from" he says. "I don't even know what you are talking about" she says "my mom would never do that." "Well, then do you know who I am" he says. Ava doesn't say anything because she has no idea. "Where are we going?" Ava says. "To the place you mother was trying to hide you from" he says. "I don't understand" she says, "who are you"? "Your mother would call me your worst nightmare but I guess it depends on how you look at things." he says. Ava tries to open the back door of the car to jump out but he grabbed her by her hair and pulled her back in. "That's the same crap your mother tried" he says "wow you are so predictable." Ava crunches up in the backseat trying to stay as far away as she can even though she knew it didn't matter. "We're almost there" he says. Ava looks outside and sees nothing but a dry dead landscape. Wherever they are going is no place she would want to be. They get further and further but yet close and closer they turn into a gate and all it says is 'You either live Or You Die'. All her memories starting coming back... she knew where she was and who she was...

To Be Continued...

I Have A Secret...

I don't really even know why I am writing this but I figured some of you may want to know where I have been the last few months. It's not that I didn't want to write or not even that I didn't have ideas of what to write about. It's the fact of I no longer knew who I was writing to. When I first started blogging no one ever read my posts and then I started writing about my life and my posts started getting way more views than I had ever expected. But then me writing about my past events honestly made me so depressed I had no idea what to even do anymore. I wanted to write but I didn't want to be sad about it. I was trying to express myself and my life to others to make everyone reading not feel so alone but in return I had never felt more alone. I had to transport myself to those feelings I was trying so hard to avoid to get to raw essence of the situation I was trying to describe. In the end I had to decide whether or not I wanted to continue with the series. I tried, but they never turned out that good. No one read them and then I was just writing for what? My whole idea of why I was writing was completely gone, So I just stopped. 

I decided that what I needed to do was to get my life back on track, not that it really ever had a track to begin with, but it was worth a shot. The only problem was that my idea of getting my life back on track is working a lot. So much that I lost the idea of who I was trying to become. I want my life to have a meaning but honestly right know it has no meaning what so ever. People used to write me over my email and tell me that my poetry and my stories helped them get through rough times, or that I will be a best seller. My thought was a best seller of what? I don't know what I am doing. I will never be as good as them. But then I thought I was as good as them at one point, I just have to find that part inside of me that wanted to write, that wanted to have a purpose.

After I took a small break I started trying to write my life story again but I started thinking that no one will ever want to read what I have to say or what really happened to me. So I started writing things about my life that were not true. I was lying to all of you. I would write what happened and then make it 10 times worse than what it was in hopes that people would gain an interest again. That is never what I wanted to do, but more importantly that never even worked. After I did this I never wanted to write again until I could be truthful, so this is me being truthful. I was gone because I have no idea what I doing, I lied and I was writing for all the wrong reasons. I will start writing again but it is going to be really different. Mainly because I need to write for me. 

©Amanda Catherine

Little Scars: Chapter Two: Escape

Her mom shoves her discretely out the door, hoping no one sees them. Ava didn't know what to think, she kept hearing her mom mumble "what did I do. this is all my fault" over and over. This was not very reassuring to Ava's crumbling mental stability. Her mother takes her firmly by the hand and she takes Ava at a run down the hall toward the exit when a nurse rounds the corner, stopping them in their tracks with a "Is everything all right?"  Not knowing what to say, they don't say anything and bump past her, resuming their run, at least to the best of Ava's limited ability. This was not the easiest thing for her as the whole hospital was starting to spin, making her constantly bump into walls and people which makes the pair way more noticeable. As they approach the door that leads outside, Ava's doctor comes out of a room and spots the two of them. They desperately try to duck behind a hospital bed but it is useless, he is locked on. He walks over, feigning a casual smile that doesn't match with his stiff movements, intent on talking to them but he isn't aware that Ava's mom knows what he is trying to do. He has been planning to get back at Ava's mom because of a past breakup. The pair try to keep their cool, but he starts shoving them back to Ava's hospital room. They try to get around him but he slips in close to Ava and reaches into his pocket and pulls out a syringe and needle with some sort of white liquid in it and puts it against Ava's abdomen. Her mom tries to grab the doctor but he manages to step to the side at the last second sending her mother to the ground as he jabs the syringe into Ava's side depressing the plunger. With no where to go now her mom crawls to Ava on the floor and starts crying. Knowing that no one will help them she stays on the floor with Ava and puts her daughter's head in her lap rocking her back and forth. 

    "How could you do this, you monster!" Her mom yells at him. "What kind of person are you!" All he does is laugh and with a swirl of his lab coat, walks away his hands in his pocket hiding the empty syringe. It is becoming more obvious that this was an inside job. Her mom keeps insisting that they need to leave, but none of the staff arriving at Ava's crumpled form will allow them to leave in the state that she is in. Pretending to be overwhelmed at all the commotion of the ward her mother takes her chance when she thinks no one is looking and scoops Ava into a vacant wheel chair sitting in the hallway from an earlier patient and runs, runs as fast as she can through the exit before anyone can catch her. Not looking back but hearing everyone yelling at her to stop she continues and runs to their car that is parked a few blocks away. Once she gets the car she doesn't even think, she puts Ava in the backseat and starts the car and looks in the mirror to see all the staff running toward the car. "They are at least a block away" she thinks to herself. Putting the car in drive she leaves and speeds off as fast as she can. All that matters to her is getting Ava to safety. Once she hits the highway she doesn't know where to go, so she keeps driving, not caring what direction she is going hoping, the effects of the drug wear off soon. The further away she is from that man the better. 

Eventually she had to stop, she had been driving for hours and her eyes are starting to glaze over. Deciding to find a hotel room she exits the highway and goes to the furthest hotel from the highway, not wanting to take chances. As she pulls into the hotel parking lot and walks inside she finds an unsuspected person who she did not want to see. 

©Amanda Catherine

Where Friendship Goes Wrong: A True Story: A New Day

As the sun starts to rise Anna is laying in her bed with her eyes wide open. Her thoughts had successfully kept her up all night. She didn't know whether to be excited about going to school and seeing everyone or not. Her first instinct was no, but maybe today was different, a new day of sorts. She disables her alarm before it goes off and heads to the bathroom to start getting ready. She looks at herself in the mirror and all she can think about is how messed up she is becoming. And is it normal to feel this way. She slaps on some foundation and eye shadow and runs upstairs after she hears her dad leave, She did not want to be in the middle of that whole catastrophe. Anna looks at her mom and says "hey I was thinking of going to Ashley's after school if that's OK." Her mom more or less looked surprised at the fact that her and Ashley were talking again. "Sure if that's what you wanna do" her mom says. "I think so" Anna replied back. Today was the day that Anna was allowed to take the car to school since it was a half day so she grabs the keys and heads out the door. 

As she pulls into the student parking lot she sees Jenny in her car crying. Anna thinks to herself don't partake in whatever is going on over there. Anna parks the car and gets out and starts to head over to her other group of friends she had been making when she hears from a far off distance "Anna wait! I need to talk to you!" Pretending to not hear her Anna heads inside to get her locker. All of the sudden she looks behind her and there is Jenny all flustered. Anna stops and Jenny crashes into her. As they both fall to the ground Jenny says "I've missed you and I have big news to tell you!" Anna had the look of complete dumbfoundedness on her face. "Why would she want to tell me anything" she thinks to herself. "OMG!" she says, "I just found out that David likes you!" "Well that's odd Anna" says. Anna was always trying to set him up with other people to hide the fact that she liked him too. "Wait" Anna says "Isn't he still in a relationship with another girl!" Jenny says "YES! But he told me on accident that he was thinking about you a lot lately." Flattered Anna didn't know what to say when she saw him in class so she figured she would just wing it. "Wait" Anna says, "weren't you just balling your eyes out in your car?" "Oh yeah" Jenny says, I was just dumped by Lincoln, he didn't really say why so I was so upset but when I saw you I just became so excited about the David thing so I had to tell you." "What the hell, you were dating Lincoln? Have we not been talking for that long. "Well it has been about 2 months" Jenny says. As she continues with her story Anna goes off in her thoughts about Lincoln and why he would dump Jenny. And why she was even dating him in the first place. Then Anna remembered that no one believed her when she said what Lincoln had done to her. This made her mad, mad that no one believed her still and mad that he would try and date one of her friends. "That's it" Anna says "I'm going over there to deal with him after school." Jenny says "It isn't really that big of a deal I guess he was a jerk to me, kept saying he was trying to make you jealous but you never noticed.

Anna and Jenny finally finish talking and both end up late to their first class, but none of that mattered at this point. Anna sat in her chair tapping her pencil, foot and finger on the desk wanting for this day to be over, She had some stuff she needed to deal with. As soon as the clock hit noon and school was over Anna grabbed all of her stuff and started heading over to Ashley's house. She knew Lincoln would be there. As she pulled up to their house she was filled with rage, she knocks on the door and Lincoln answers it. Anna stood there frozen. She had these things she had planned out to say to him but as soon as she saw him her speech stuttered and didn't make sense. He just looked at her and then grabs her and kisses her. Anna pushes him away and says "I can't believe you did that and dated Jenny just to get back at me. The worst part is I was unintentionally falling for you. All part of you master plan right" He walks away from her and says "you aren't wrong. I've liked you ever since I laid eyes on you. My actions just came off wrong." More angry Anna walks toward him and say you mean you assaulting me came off wrong? Wow you are something special aren't you. I can't keep doing this with you! You ruined everything the moment you laid hands on me." He turns toward Anna and gets really close to her and says "you didn't push me away did you?" Anna pushes him away and says "there I pushed you away!" and continued with "you can't keep doing this to me! You cannot play this game with me anymore. You are in my head and you need to get out!" Lincoln grabs her and kisses her again, but no matter how hard she fought Anna could not control her emotions anymore she gave into him completely. In the back of her mind she could see her flash before her eyes. All the hurt that she was dealing with and how this wasn't making it better. As soon as she was able to get her thoughts back on track and make sense of what was happening she used all of her might to push him away. Lincoln was starting to get upset with Anna and punches a wall. Anna grabs all of her stuff and says "you need to think about what you are doing and how this is making me feel and then leaves.

©Amanda Catherine

Where Friendship Goes Wrong: A True Story: Bad Feelings

Tap, tap, tap. Anna sits alone in her room tapping her pen wanting to write about what happened to her lately but her mind was blocked. She hadn't been over to Ashley's since the whole incident with Lincoln. Her mind had been fuzzy ever since then. It was like she was living in a clouded nightmare. The worst part was that she was starting to like Lincoln. She started to believe that this is how boys treat the girls that they like. Anna puts her pen to her paper and then draws a heart and writes Anna + Lincoln in it. She almost barfed at the thought but this was the only guy who had shown interest in her, even though it was bad. "Maybe I am just reading into things to much" she thinks. She thinks back on how they first met and how her sexually assaulted her and how that made her feel. "Maybe I can change him" Anna says to herself as she throws her pen down.

Frustrated with her feelings Anna tries to find something to do to preoccupy her time. She grabs her black nail polish, opens her window and starts painting her nails. With each stroke she makes she became more upset with herself. She hadn't ever dealt with how she felt about what happened to her. Her moms idea of dealing with it was not dealing with it. Whenever she would bring up the idea about her going to therapy her mom would change the subject and her dad had no idea what had even happened to her. Everyone else thought that she had just said that Lincoln did this to her for the attention so she had never felt more alone. After getting lost in her thoughts Anna looks at her nails and expects them to look good. They looked like a disaster. "Hhhmmmm, what's this, a metaphor for my life" she complains as she starts getting the nail polish remover. "To bad I can't wipe away my life like this" she says growing in frustration. She looks at her phone to see if anyone had texted her. She would have even been OK with a stupid chain text but there was nothing. Even though she was upset about no one talking to her, she understood. 

Anna starts thinking again about anything she wanted to write about since her thoughts were the only ones that listened to her. She starts to write some lines and it read "so much pain, it all goes to my head sometimes I wish I were dead. She lets her thoughts take over her and continues with "I'm so lost and so alone. My life is a constant fog. There is nothing to keep me here, no life to call my own." She stops and sits alone in her room in silence. She never thought that she would have felt like this. 

She takes her pen and writes I am alone on her arm and then added a heart with an arrow going through it.

©Amanda Catherine

I have never ever written or talked about this moment to anyone before. I was a lost 17 year old who hadn't learned much about relationships yet. Today marks 10 years to the day that these thoughts happened. I am better than what I was then, not that it was hard to compete with. 
Amanda

Run (A Poem)

We can only run.

Run from the ideas

that hold us back.

Run from the fears

that keep us down.

And tear down the 

walls that are 

in our way. 

Our minds can be 

our best friend

or our biggest enemies. 

Down out the negativity 

and run. 

Never look back.

Run.

©Amanda Catherine

Fear (A Poem)

I don't want
To fear being a
Women
But I do.
I am valued
Less and
Fear more.

I fear walking
streets alone
at night.
I fear allys
That lack light.
I fear men
And their
Constant stares.
I fear the idea
That my body is not
The essence of beauty.
I fear the thought
Of my dreams
Being shot.

I fear that
I fear all of
These things.
I fear that
This is normality.
I look outside
And I crumble inside.
I fear to live
My life with
The thought of
Knowing this
Is how it is
Supposed to be.

©Amanda Catherine

Mean (A Poem)

You yell 

at me and 

I watch your

every step

as you wind

up to make 

your next move. 

I look 

for an

escape but

there is no 

where to run. 

All I can 

think in my 

head is 

what did I 

do to make 

you turn so

mean,

and more 

importantly 

to take your

anger 

out on me. 

I would say 

I am 

sorry,

but I know 

it won't matter.

My mind blanks 

out as you 

are yelling 

at me telling 

me how 

stupid I am.

Maybe you

are right 

or maybe you

are misdirected. 

©Amanda Catherine

Where Friendship Goes Wrong: A True Story: Scary Stalker!

Finally home from her mini vacation Anna finds herself unable to text Remy, it was to good to be true that everything happened the way it did. It wasn't to long of her being home that Jenny texted her asking her if she wanted to hang out. Anna was feeling invincible so she agrees to go. As she biking towards Jenny's house Anna notices someone following her. She turns down different blocks real fast to turn this guy around and it worked, but Anna didn't think to hide her bike once so got to Jenny's. Once Jenny and Anna got all of their stuff ready to go to Circuit City they step outside and there is the truck that was following Anna earlier. 

Anna looks at Jenny and pulls her arm, explaining what happened to her Jenny starts to get mad at the situation and starts yelling at the guy. "Back off, we don't want you around us!" and "Get the fu*k away you perv." are the only things coming out of Jenny's mouth. Anna wanted to have the guts to start yelling at the guy, but instead she pulls out her phone and had 911 dialed into her phone ready incase stuff decided to go down. The truck starts to leave but the guy inside stared at them as he drove past. Jenny says "I knew I would scare them off." Anna with her hands shaking says "I don't know if what you did was good or not." "Just get on your bike so we can go" Jenny says. While Anna gets on her bike she is trying to remember everything about the guy, Facial features, hair color, color of the truck and the make and model of the truck. "We'll be fine, lets go!" Jenny yells. Sighing Anna starts to follow Jenny up the block. As they pedal everything seemed fine, they even made it to the store. As Jenny and Anna wander around the store Anna asks Jenny of she thinks they should call the cops about what happened. Jenny says no and told Anna to leave it alone, the guy won't be coming back. 

As Anna and Jenny leave the store, Anna starts to look around, she doesn't trust anything or anyone right now. She gets to guts to leave and everything was going fine until they entered the neighborhood again. It wan't long until the weird stalker was back. Anna on her bike a few feet behind Jenny yells "we have company!" "Lets loose him!!" Jenny screams back. "Meet at Ashley's?" Anna yells. "Yeah" As they split up they turn in two different directions at the end of the block. Knowing this neighborhood like to back of her hand Anna starts weaving down and around all the streets. For whatever reason this stalker seems really obsessed with her, he hasn't gone after Jenny once. "Maybe it;s because Jenny is obviously the crazy one", Anna thinks to herself. 

It feels like it has been forever and this guy won't leave her alone. Anna pulls out her phone and calls Jenny still trying to loose the guy. Anna just wants to know if she is at Ashley's. Once Anna finds out that Jenny is at Ashley's she has her open the side gate of Ashley's house so that Anna could bike directly into the backyard, she didn't want this guy to see her at all when she made her way to safety. Anna turns the corner and is on Ashley's street. Anna pedals so fast hoping the guy won't see her. As soon as she pulls into the backyard Anna hops off her bike and lets it crash into a bush and runs over to help Jenny quickly close the gate.

They get the gate closed and each of them take a fence hole to look through to see if the guy is near. Jenny keeps trying to talk to Anna but Anna keeps shhhing her. "I hear something" Anna says. The truck stops in the middle of the block and the guy gets out and starts to look around. He scratches his head baffled as the where Anna went. "I think we are almost safe" Anna whispers. "At least until we leave" she continues. They both run inside and Anna calls her mom to have her come get her but there is no answer, the same happenes for Jenny. Ashley walks downstairs and into the kitchen babbling off something stupid when she opens the blinds. Anna and Jenny fall the floor hiding. Jenny asks Ashley if she can see anything and she says "No their is just some weird blue truck outside. "Close the blinds!" Anna and Ashley yell! "God whatever" Ashley says as she closes the blinds. As Anna and Jenny get up off the floor Ashley asks what the big deal is. Apparently Jenny hadn't explained anything to Ashley when she got there. It was when Anna entered the situation that things started to turn serious.

"I'm calling the cops!" Anna yells. "I'm so sick of this" she continues. Jenny tackles Anna to the floor because she didn't want the cops involved. "I don't feel safe at all!" Anna says starting the loose her patience. After some bickering back and forth no one ends up calling the cops. A few hours and episodes of Spongebob pass and Jenny looses her patience and goes outside to face the guy and he was no where to be found. "I;m going home." Jenny says and she grabs all of her stuff. Anna is still very reluctant to even step outside says "Nah, I'm good, I'll continue the cartoon watching fest we have started.  Ashley yells "well I am leaving with her then, so just text me when you are home!" As Anna's eyes refocus on the TV she starts to something, it was Lincoln who lathered himself in cologne. Anna double looks behind her shoulder and proceeds to ignore him. He walks up sits across from her and steals the remote from her as he sits down. "Ug, what?" Anna mumbles. "Oh nothing, just heard you voice after I woke up from a nap." he says. "So you decided to come bother me?" Anna responds back. I'm a little flustered so leaving me alone would be fantastic" she continues. "So I see you met my friend." Lincoln says. Anna looks at him dead in the eye and says What!!!?" "Oh yeah I told him to follow you around to freak you out a little bit, figured it would bring you here eventually." As Anna tried to compose her words she stares at him with the face of confusion and is even more terrified.

To be continued...
©Amanda Catherine

27 Facts About Me For My 27th Birthday!

1, I was named after a Barry Manilow song.

2. I am an only child.

3. I barely graduated High School.

4. I've never left the US. 

5. I am a Phlebotomist (and I am a real good one.)

6. I've worked in Retail for 9 years. 

7. My eyes change color in the sunlight. There natural color is green.

8. My hair was black when I was born, then all fell out and turned blond.

9. I can cook well. 

10. I love to make banana bread. 

11. I am obsessed with conspiracy theories. (I love seeing what people can come up with.) 

12. My favorite movie is Zoolander.

13. I've been to Vegas over 10 times. 

14. I love The Legend of Zelda games. 

15. I can write a poem in 10 minutes, if not less. It's a weird gift. 

16. I love all different types of music.

17. My favorite band growing up was Good Charlotte.

18. I ran from the cops in High School.

19. I've been suspended in High School and College.

20. My lucky number is 20.

21. I've never been drunk or high.

22. I've lived out of state for a few months tagging bears. 

23. I was a College Dance team.

24. I'm really good at Archery and have been doing in since I was 9.

25. I'm an insomniac. 

26. I've had 5 surgeries.

27. I stutter when I am nervous. 

Amanda Catherine

Disappear (A Poem)

She stumbles 

to get her words out.

She had never

done something 

this bad before.

Maybe is was me,

or maybe it was 

this anger building

up inside of me.

She thinks to herself

She takes a step

back and turns to walk away.

No longer wanting

to hurt anyone,

anymore. 

Maybe if I disappear

things can go back

to how they used to be?

As she takes another 

step towards the door

out pops you.

You who I have 

hurt one to many times. 

As I spin around

my hair follows me.

You start to yell my name,

but I disappear

into a thought

you will only have 

once or twice more.

©Amanda Catherine 

Tornado (A Poem)

Flashes of light

in my sight.

Wind pours over me

The rain and hail

have just begun.

My life flashes

Before my eyes,

I run toward where

everyone cries.

Grabbing my belongings

only the most special,

the rest must get left behind.

Maybe I can replace them someday.

The windows shatter

the roof begins to

disappear.

The wind begins

to pull me away from everything

I know.

My last chance,

I jump into the storm shelter.

My friends and family

wait for me.

Nothing left to do,

but wait and

hope for the best,

So I can get back to

the life I know.

©Amanda Catherine

Destiny (A Poem)

Help! The young girl cried
As her attacker came closer
looking at her with a violent stare.
He moves closer and closer into her sight.
Fists go up he stands tall
grabbing her as she starts to fall.
She tries to run away only to see,
See that girl she wanted to be.
Within herself she finds her strength
To give all that she can take.
Never looking back she pushed him
with all her might and ran.
Ran away and never looked back.
Fearing only the worst she stayed silent.
No one would hear of this night.
This night where she conquered her fear
and became the hero of her own destiny.
©Amanda Catherine

Where Friendship Goes Wrong: A True Story: Wait...What Happened?

"Tell me more" Anna says as she glances past her friends, not really paying attention. She had her eyes on all the boys that had been trying to make her life hell. She was trying to read them to figure out their next move. Ashton snaps his fingers in front of her face to get attention. Anna snaps out of it and says "wait what, what'd I miss?" She looks down and her arm had blood all over it. Anna had a rubber band on her arm that she started snapping when she was nervous. Aston looks at her and says "just because they did that to you doesn't mean you need to start doing this." Anna looks at him and then starts staring past him again. He moves her leg with his to try and get her attention again. "What!" she screams. "You need to stop" he says, "Come on we are leaving." As he grabs her by the strap of her backpack she is still trying to stare at them. They make is outside in the court yard by the lunchroom and he grabs her by her face and says "Just because they did this, does not mean you need to become obsessed." Anna looks at the floor and says "But it's just not fair. Why do they get to pour pop in my back pack, trip me, call me a fat ass whenever I eat and vandalize my locker...again." Still looking at her he says "they just want to get a rise out of you." The three boys come outside and start calling Anna a bitch. A frustrated Anna runs up and kicks the one boy in the crotch.

The other two boys continue calling her a bitch, but their words have no effect on her. They speak and their words are broken. Broken like their lives crumbling through their fingers. Anna looks around her and she had become comfortably numb. When she came back to her senses the person she wanted to run to wasn't Ashton, Jenny, Ashley or Jax. It was Remy, but Remy was just a vision she had in her phone. He will never be their for her except through text and the occasional picture. No one even knew about him, she wanted to keep that part of her life as much of a secret as possible. It wasn't like she was cheating on Ashton or anything. He was a break from the crazy, a whole new world that she could isolate herself in if she wanted to. She stops thinking looks at the floor and sees the boy clinching his stomach, she turns around and says "What did I do?"

To Be Continued...

©Amanda Catherine

Anxiety (A Poem)

I want to go outside

But I think 

I'll just lay here.

Sometimes 

the simplest

Things are the 

hardest to do.

I'll lay here alone

with my thoughts,

of how things 

used to be.

Or how they 

could be. 

Everyone tells me

I'm strong.

But if I am as strong

as they think

I am,

I wouldn't be here. 

Alone.

Maybe I'll go 

outside tomorrow.

Until then I will

be here remembering

the friends and 

the life

I once had. 

©Amanda Catherine

Where Friendship Goes Wrong: A True Story: Relationship Struggles

Anna and Ashton walk home in complete silence. She isn't sure if this is a good or bad sign. It's a lot for one person to find out all in one night. As Anna reluctantly opens up her mouth to say something he also starts to say something. Not wanting to be rude and pushy Anna lets him finish talking. He says that he doesn't know if he is the right person for her with all of her drama. To be honest Anna knew that this was coming, this is why she was to afraid to say anything. They both stop to cross the street and she grabs his shoulder and says "I understand, believe me. You don't have to walk me home. This is my street anyway, how about you go home and take sometime to think about everything. It's a lot to take on. With how crazy my life is I often times it wasn't me living this life. Someone stronger than me should be in my shoes." He refuses to let her walk the rest of the way home alone and the silence continues. Until he speaks, "Why are you afraid of me? This really confuses me. I haven't done anything to you to ever make you feel scared." As they approach her door she says "it's not you, it's the fact that every guy in my life has hurt me, Lincoln, Wyatt, my dad and many others. I just don't want to get hurt again." He promises not to hurt her, but at this point these promises are just words. Words can to easily broken. "I'll talk to you at school tomorrow" she whispers as she heads inside her house. She shuts the door on him because she was about to burst into tears and she didn't want him to see her like that, so broken and lost.

As she stumbles downstairs to her room trying to be quiet she misses a step and tumbles down the rest of the way. "Dammit" she says as she is getting up. "I always count wrong. It's 7 not 6 steps." She gets to her room and throws all of her stuff on her bed. It didn't matter her room was always a mess anyways. She pulls out her phone from her pocket and flips it open to text Ashton. She wanted to make sure that he got home safe. As she starts hitting all the numbers to get to all the letters she gets a text from Jenny. Anna rolls her eyes and opens it. It says, "sorry but this isn't over. He will be mine." Anna types back the only thing she could think of that was clever enough for this situation, "lol". Even though she actually really was worried about everything. She finishes texting Ashton and starts getting ready for bed. 

She figures that this was the best time to write so she pulls out scrap paper to start and new poem. She starts to write the only thing that she has down is "I'm sorry". Wanting to continue she taps her pen and brushes her hair behind her ear. She could still feel where Ashton did the same. She puts on her headphones and tries to ignore the world. She finally has one more line. "I hurt you and I can't take it back." She scribbles below it,"but sometimes this is just the way it has to be." This was really how she was feeling. 

"Anna wake up!!!" she hears. She had fallen asleep on top of her sloppy hand written poem. She grabs her back pack and guitar bag and heads upstairs to meet her mom. She didn't feel like actually getting ready this morning. She looks at her phone to see if Ashton texted her back and nothing. Just another text from Jenny. As she gets to school Anna regrets not actually doing her hair or make up or anything. Jenny looked really cute and that made her confidence drop way low. She spots Ashton across the hall but didn't go say anything to him figuring this is how it was going to be from now on. She looks up after looking through her backpack trying to find her homework and Ashton was right there. She says "don't worry, I get it, I'll keep my distance." He takes one more step towards her and brushes the hair behind her ear and kissed her. "Now why couldn't you have been my first kiss" she says as he smiles at her.

 Could this actually be something real? 

©Amanda Catherine