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Saturday, December 2, 2017

No Fear (A Poem)

Outside, under the 
city lights,
rain is pouring,
dogs are barking
as the thunder is

Some run,
Some hide
Beneath covered 
Other wait, 
take a breath 
and start dancing.

No fear, 
just life
either way you 
look at it.

Just live. 

©Amanda Catherine

Thursday, November 30, 2017

Be One (A Poem)

I run around living my life,
but deep down I know
my life is never
what I can make it

what a silly phrase. 
What is it to really be? 
What is it to really be 

with myself,
with life,
with my emotions. 
One is just a number. 
You're never number one.

ah yes, the name I am 
constantly called by bullies,
bullies who think they know me.

I am more then you know,
you are more than I know. 
Lets all just be one 

©Amanda Catherine

Sunday, October 8, 2017

Little Scars: Chapter 3: Truth Exposed

Becca stands in the middle of the hotel lobby stunned. Does she run or does she approach this person?  After all it is one of her long lost friends, but they did not leave on good terms. Becca swallows her pride and goes over to say hello. She takes on step toward her and immediately regrets it. "After all these years who would have thought you and I would meet again in a crappy hotel lobby" her long lost friend Holly says. Becca doesn't say anything because she honestly didn't want to, she had more things to worry about. Aww, don't be shy, you can talk to me" Holly says. "I am just here to get a room, I don't want to start stuff with you" Becca says. Holly laughs, "I think you have more important things to worry about as your car just got taken." Becca turns around to see a man driving her car away with Ava still passed out in the backseat. "Who was that!!!" Becca screams expecting answers from anyone. No one answers, as she runs out the door after the car Holly yells "you better be careful with who you are messing with." Becca stops and turns around, Holly obviously knows what is up, the question is will she tell her and actually tell her the truth. 

Ava starts regaining conscious only to realize that there is a stranger driving her moms car. She pushes herself off the seat to sit up and says "who are you?" "I'm the person your mom has been trying to keep you from" he says. "I don't even know what you are talking about" she says "my mom would never do that." "Well, then do you know who I am" he says. Ava doesn't say anything because she has no idea. "Where are we going?" Ava says. "To the place you mother was trying to hide you from" he says. "I don't understand" she says, "who are you"? "Your mother would call me your worst nightmare but I guess it depends on how you look at things." he says. Ava tries to open the back door of the car to jump out but he grabbed her by her hair and pulled her back in. "That's the same crap your mother tried" he says "wow you are so predictable." Ava crunches up in the backseat trying to stay as far away as she can even though she knew it didn't matter. "We're almost there" he says. Ava looks outside and sees nothing but a dry dead landscape. Wherever they are going is no place she would want to be. They get further and further but yet close and closer they turn into a gate and all it says is 'You either live Or You Die'. All her memories starting coming back... she knew where she was and who she was...

To Be Continued...

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Real (A Poem)

I try so hard to be me
but the real me has yet
to even be found.
I walk around like
I know what I am doing
but the reality is
I have no idea.
I just hope no one notices

Notices that I am an insecure,
hopeless, pessimistic that
is just trying to
get by in the world.
With the world at
my fingertips,
turning away at
and chances
because that is
what I think I deserve.

©Amanda Catherine 

Monday, July 3, 2017

I Have A Secret...

I don't really even know why I am writing this but I figured some of you may want to know where I have been the last few months. It's not that I didn't want to write or not even that I didn't have ideas of what to write about. It's the fact of I no longer knew who I was writing to. When I first started blogging no one ever read my posts and then I started writing about my life and my posts started getting way more views than I had ever expected. But then me writing about my past events honestly made me so depressed I had no idea what to even do anymore. I wanted to write but I didn't want to be sad about it. I was trying to express myself and my life to others to make everyone reading not feel so alone but in return I had never felt more alone. I had to transport myself to those feelings I was trying so hard to avoid to get to raw essence of the situation I was trying to describe. In the end I had to decide whether or not I wanted to continue with the series. I tried, but they never turned out that good. No one read them and then I was just writing for what? My whole idea of why I was writing was completely gone, So I just stopped. 

I decided that what I needed to do was to get my life back on track, not that it really ever had a track to begin with, but it was worth a shot. The only problem was that my idea of getting my life back on track is working a lot. So much that I lost the idea of who I was trying to become. I want my life to have a meaning but honestly right know it has no meaning what so ever. People used to write me over my email and tell me that my poetry and my stories helped them get through rough times, or that I will be a best seller. My thought was a best seller of what? I don't know what I am doing. I will never be as good as them. But then I thought I was as good as them at one point, I just have to find that part inside of me that wanted to write, that wanted to have a purpose.

After I took a small break I started trying to write my life story again but I started thinking that no one will ever want to read what I have to say or what really happened to me. So I started writing things about my life that were not true. I was lying to all of you. I would write what happened and then make it 10 times worse than what it was in hopes that people would gain an interest again. That is never what I wanted to do, but more importantly that never even worked. After I did this I never wanted to write again until I could be truthful, so this is me being truthful. I was gone because I have no idea what I doing, I lied and I was writing for all the wrong reasons. I will start writing again but it is going to be really different. Mainly because I need to write for me. 

©Amanda Catherine

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Little Scars: Chapter Two: Escape

Her mom is shoving her out the door, hoping no one sees them. Ava didn't know what to think, she kept hearing her mom mumble "what did I do. this is all my fault" over and over. This was not very reassuring to Ava's own mental stability. They start to run for the door when they are stopped by a nurse asking them if everything was OK. Not knowing what to say, they don't say anything and keep running,  at least to the best of Ava's capabilities. This was not the easiest thing for her as the whole hospital seemed to be spinning.  Constant bumps into walls and people is inevitable for her which made them way more noticeable. Once they get by the door that leads outside, Ava's doctor comes out of a room and looks toward them, they try to duck by a near by hospital bed but it was useless, he noticed them. He walks over to talk to them but he didn't know that his mom knew what he was trying to do. He wanted to get back at Ava's mom because of a past breakup. They try to keep their cool, but he starts shoving them back to Ava's room. They try to get around him but he gets close enough to Ava and reaches into his pocket and pulls out a syringe and needle with some sort of white liquid in it. Her mom tries to tackle the doctor but falls to the ground as he jabs the syringe into Ava's side. With no where to go now her mom crawls to Ava on the floor and starts crying. Knowing that no one would help them she stays on the floor with Ava and puts her head in her lap rocking her back and forth. 

"How could you do this, you monster!" Her mom yells at him. "What kind of person are you!" All he does is laugh and walks away. It is becoming more obvious that this was an inside job. Her mom keeps insisting that they need to leave, but no one would allow them to leave in the state that Ava is in. Starring at all the commotion of the ward she takes her chance when she thinks no one is looking and puts Ava in a wheel chair sitting in the hallway from an earlier patient and runs, runs as fast as she can through the door before anyone can catch her. Not looking back but hearing everyone yelling at her to stop she continues and runs to their car that is parked a few blocks away. Once she gets the car she doesn't even think, she puts Ava in the backseat and starts the car and looks in the mirror to see all the staff running toward the car. "They are at least a block away" she thinks to herself. Putting the car in drive she leaves and speeds off as fast as she can. All that matters is getting Ava to safety. Once she hits the highway she doesn't know where to go, so she keeps driving not caring what direction she is going. The further away she was the better. 

Eventually she had to stop, she had been driving for hours and her eyes are starting to glaze over. Deciding to find a hotel room she exits the highway and goes to the furthest hotel from the highway, not wanting to take chances. As she pulls into the hotel parking lot and walks inside she finds an unsuspected person who she did not want to see. 

©Amanda Catherine

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Little Scars: Chapter One: Voices

This is my new story. I am having so much fun writing Where Friendship Goes Wrong, I decided I would try my luck at non fiction! It is going to be continuous with chapters. Hope you all enjoy! 

White walls, silence and voices inside her head. In her mind she was standing on a beach but in reality she was in a psych ward. Ava rolls over and opens her eyes. She sees her mom, Becca, looking at her worried. 'It's OK mom". Ava mumbles. "I don't know how you could say that at a time like this" her mom says back. Ava closes her eyes and attempts to go back to the beach again but it was hopeless. She sits up in the bed and looks around, but there really wasn't much to look at. "How long have I been in here?" Ava says. "It doesn't matter" her mom says. Ava looks at her and she finally caves and says "one week." "When can I go home"? Ava asks. Her mom gets up and walks over to her bed and grabs her hand. "It's to hard to say honey. I wish I knew but you took a turn for the worst. You were doing so well until you tried to kill yourself." Tears start to form in the pit of her eye as she tries to remain strong. "We almost lost you. They want to put you on a new med and I don't know what to think about it. You were doing so well a few weeks ago, I don't know what happened." Ava tuns pale because she knew what happened but she was to afraid to say what it was. "It doesn't matter now, I want to go home. Anywhere is better than here." Ava says starting to get frustrated.

The doctor walks in her room and starts talking medical talk that no one understands. Her an her mom both nod their heads in agreement even though they don't know what they are agreeing to. "Do you know what he just said?" Ava asks her mom. "No, I was hoping you did." She responds. "Well I guess we are just screwed." Ava says. Her mom leaves in hopes to try and find someone to explain what was going on better. Ava plops back in her bed, trying to find something to do in the mean time but there was nothing, so she sat in the silence. This was the first time she felt at peace, no voices. She was so relaxed that she started to doze off again. She wakes up to her  mom shoving her back ad forth. Apparently the doctor had given Ava something which is why she had been so out of it. "We need to leave" her mom says "get dressed, we need to leave." Ava looks at her mom confused, wasn't she stuck here? "Hurry!" her mom yells. Ava starts getting dressed but it wasn't the easiest thing to do because of how drugged she was. She kept trying to get her pants on but she kept falling over because she couldn't get her feet through the holes. Ava says "Mom what is going on?"
He is trying to kill you." she tells her. I thought you were safe here, but that is untrue now.

©Amanda Catherine