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Saturday, November 14, 2015

Strive (A Poem)

The older I get,
The more I see
How things are meant to be.

I am not meant
To get whatever I want.
I am meant
To get what I strive for.

Sure I've pushed on by
And made my own way.
But for me it's never been
My way or the highway.

It's always been a
Game of Duck Duck goose
Where I'll just follow you around
And hope that I don't eventually drown

Drown in the ideas of
What I need to be,
Instead of what I strive to be.
©Amanda Catherine

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Where Friendship Goes Wrong: A True Story: Sneaking into an R Rated Movie!

We all have that one friend that you aren't really close with but that you still love hanging out with even though they get you into trouble... a lot. This, for Anna, was her friend named Lisa. Anna and Lisa grew up together but when Middle school came they both went to different schools. Many of there encounters lately were random coffee shop meetings or Anna hanging out with her and all her friends. These hang outs always made Anna feel awkward as she did not know any of Lisa's new friends, but at least they gave her something to do. One weekend, while Anna was out and about with her mom they ran into Lisa and her mom. Anna and Lisa got to talking and they had made plans to go see a movie later that evening. Lisa drove so at least Anna wouldn't have to face getting dropped off by her mom later that evening. As Anna and her mom continue doing their weekend shopping her mom starts talking to her about how Anna needs to have more friends like Lisa. Anna just rolls her eyes as she slouches in the passenger seat of their old pick up truck. Her mom didn't know what Lisa had become. Sure she wasn't as bad as Jenny and Ashley but she wasn't no perfect princess either. 

Anna started thinking about the history that they have together since it is a long history, longer than ever her and Jenny have. When Anna and Lisa were in Elementary School they were pretty much inseparable. They hung out all the time because they had on huge thing in common, they were both only child's. It seems like a silly thing to get along over but only children have a history of being overly spoiled so no one ever wanted to hang out with them because of this. For Lisa this sort of judgement would be very accurate. She was her parents perfect princess who could do no wrong. As for Anna, she never really wanted anything or had parents that thought she was perfect. Anna continues thinking and she remembered the one day in day care over summer. Anna and Lisa were hanging out together and Lisa kept making fun of Anna for being different and poking fun at all of her habits. Anna had enough and punched Lisa in the back. This wouldn't have been bad but Lisa's mom was right in front of the building when this happened. Anna got into so much trouble with everyone when this happened. More with Lisa's parents than her own but it was still pretty awful.

Anna looks out the window of the old pick up truck and reminds her mom of when that happened at day care, Anna's mom looks at her and says "Yes, I remember that but you to have grown up since then or at least I hope you have." Anna gets a little upset and tries changing the topic and blurts out "well at least her parents actually like her." Anna didn't know why this was the first thing to come out of her mouth when she was mad but she decided to roll with it. Her mom on the other hand did not say anything. Anna could tell that she was upset. She did feel bad but that is how she felt. Often times Anna's parents would spend more time arguing than helping her with anything. Anna's mom pulls into Target and says that she is sorry that she isn't around as often as she should be but that she really was trying. Anna gave her a hug and they ran into Target to grab a few things and then headed home since Anna had to get ready for her movie. 

As they pulled into the driveway Anna hops out of the truck and heads inside. Upon walking into the door she could hear her dad getting mad so she ran inside and ran down to her room and locked the door, It was going to be another night of arguing parents so she was glad she had plans with Lisa. She opens her closet and tries to find something to wear. After about 30 minutes she got a text from Lisa that said "hey, we are going to go and see "Knocked Up" at the AMC near our house". Anna got really confused as this movie is rated R. Then Lisa texted her again and said "I'll tell you more of the details when I pick you up. I'll be there in 15 minutes." Anna decided to get on MySpace really quick to see what was up in the MySpace world before Lisa got t her house. There wasn't to much going on, just a lot of feuds between Jenny and all of her ex boyfriends. She logged off as soon as she heard a car come up the street and headed out the door, She gets into to Lisa's Jeep that her parents had bought her and they head off. In the car Lisa started telling Anna about how they were meeting some of her friends there that are 17 so they will open up the side door to the theater once they get tickets and get inside. Anna reluctantly agrees, She hates doing things she isn't supposed to, even though that's all that she does most of the time. The get to the movie theater and park and head to the side door. The whole time Anna was thinking couldn't we just get tickets for a PG-13 movie and then go to the other movie? Either way she found herself tucked in a corner waiting for Lisa's friends to let them in, it was obvious that she had done this before. Her friends walk around the corner and she waves at them to let them in. A guy comes to the door and lets them in. Anna had never met this guy before but him and Lisa were holding hands like they were in a relationship. Anna didn't care she always got super uncomfortable around people that she didn't know which always led her to stutter so getting ditched wasn't worst thing to happen to her. As they walked into the theater to take their seats workers were walking around checking peoples' tickets. Anna started freaking out because she did not have one. The worker approaches her and winks at her and skips her this made her even more confused. Did the guy think she was cute or did Lisa's friends know him. Either was her sudden small panic attack started to drift away.

They stay for the whole movie and when they leave Anna and Lisa follow her friends out to the parking lot where they all smoke. Everyone started making sun of Anna for not smoking but that did not bother her. Anna had gotten into the habit of only smoking when she was stressed out and she was not stressed out. She also did not see a reason to. For people to like her? Well that's a stupid reason if I've ever heard one. 

To Be Continued... 
©Amanda Catherine
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Friday, November 6, 2015

Abandon (A Poem)

I've been your friend
when you were alone.
It was nice because
I, myself, was also alone.

It was so nice having someone to talk to
with judgement tossed aside.
I really felt I could be the real me,
We were each others best friends.
I never thought that anything could
get in the way of that.
I felt like I was floating on a cloud
of hope that things
would fall into place for you and me.

I tossed all my secrets aside
and let you see how damaged I really am.
You gave me hug with tears in my eyes.
no one has ever treated me like this before.
Everything was perfect,
even if was just for one moment.

I look back on this moment
even to this day.
I wonder what happened.
We were so close for so long
now I feel like we are nothing.
Not friends or even acquaintances.
As I see you and you walk on by
I think to myself,
as I hold my emotions inside.
I'm the girl you decided to abandon.
©Amanda Catherine

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Where Friendship Goes Wrong: A True Story: Friends With Benefits

This is going to be a side story of my current on going story. What can happen when you sext? Let me tell you because it's time to open up about this. It's messy and complicated and honestly made my life a total mess. 

It all started when Anna was around the age of 16. After visiting her family for the holidays Anna had met one of her cousins friends and they hit it off so well it was almost crazy. She looked at him once and she immediately fell into that true love feeling. He was younger than her, but she didn't care. She really started to think he was the one, just from talking to him for only a few minutes. He gave her his number but she was to nervous to call or text him until she was really looking for someone to talk to about everything. It started out with a few random texts here and there about life and music but as time went on it turned into something more, way more. Her feelings for this boy named Remy started to grow. She didn't mean for it to happen but it was just so easy, especially with him. One her break from school she decided to go visit family and see him. She Anna pretty much spent the whole time with him and it was amazing. She never wanted it to end, but unfortunately she had to go back home, her feelings were all in a bundle. She didn't know what to think. It was obvious to her that he did not feel the same feelings towards her as he just kept treating her like a friend. But when it came down to it Remy just kept leading Anna on with his texts. A lot of them would say nice things and then have a ton of <3 at the end. Anna played along until one night... Anna had gotten a text from another friend named Jax asking her to send him pictures of her body. Anna was so appalled by this. "Who would want to do that" she thought to herself. It didn't help that Anna had never liked her body so the fact that someone else would was amazing to her. She told Remy about the whole conversation she had with the other boy and he wrote her back and said "we should do that, I think you are beautiful." Anna really didn't want to do this but deep down she was hoping that he eventually would start to like her more like a girlfriend rather than a friend. Anna took a picture of herself just in her pajamas and he wrote her back "what's that I can barely see anything!" Kind of being a bit playful but also wanting Anna to be more of a tease. She sent him another one and it still wasn't good enough. He wanted Anna to be topless. Anna was uncomfortable with this but she didn't want to stop talking to him so she went along with it. He wrote her again and it said "if you send me a good one I will send you a picture of my well....stuff." Anna face turned red, she was so embarrassed. Once she sent him a picture and she got one back she immediately deleted it. Anna really wasn't interested in seeing his... stuff,  it was a little to forward for her. She didn't know how to say that she no longer wanted to do this so she just kept going with it. 

After this had gone on for a few more months Anna got up the courage to ask him what they were. Where they in a relationship, just friends? Her fingers trembled as she was typing in her text. She didn't know how she would feel with any response. She sent her text and waited a while for an answer. She thought to herself "well this could be a bad sign." All of the sudden she got a text back that said "Where just friends with benefits, Honestly I think of you like a sister." Anna's head flooded with all sorts of emotions and thoughts. How could he say that we are friends with benefits but then say that I am a sister to him? Not responding back she got a text a little bit later that said "I phrased that wrong I mean that you are the person I go to talk to about anything without judgement and I really enjoy what we are doing." This was Anna's moment to say exactly how she was feeling but instead she kept quiet about everything that she was feeling. Instead she wrote back,"I really enjoy talking to you as well." Hoping that he would have gotten the hint. He didn't... he just wrote back. "Wanna sext.?"
To Be Continued... <3 ;) 

 ©Amanda Catherine
Hey guys hopefully you like this little side story of my current story I had to backtrack a little bit so I hope it makes since, I really did try. :)  Gonna upload the video I made about this when it gets a little more intense otherwise I would ruin the saddest part. To any family reading this I love my current boyfriend. These feelings are in the past, way gone. 
With Love and Butterflies 
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