Expectations (A Poem)

Easy,
Breezy,
Beautiful,
Childhood.
Or so they
Call it.
Until you
Realize
You'll never
Live up to
The expectations
People place
On you.
More importantly
On Yourself.

©️ Amanda Catherine

Unfinished (A Poem)

Our friendship
Was like an
Unfinished verse.
It left to much
Unsaid.

©️Amanda Catherine

Dark (A Poem)

Walking with a
Friend in the dark
Is better than
Walking alone
In the light,
Or so they say.
But friends will
Walk away either way.
You can feel them
Next to you,
Or so it seems,
But then
It hits you,
You've been walking
All this way alone,
And they were
Never right
Beside you.

©️ Amanda Catherine

Envelope (A Poem)

Nighttime is the worst.
All the emotions
Come flooding in
And I feel lost.
Like an envelope
With no address.
I try to distract myself,
But all I can think of
Is what would've been.
Or still could be.
With the light of a match,
I still can't see,
But somehow I can
Think of a way to
Put all the blame
On me.

©️ Amanda Catherine

I'm sorry ( A poem)

I'm sorry I
Was your friend.
I'm sorry for the
Times we shared
Where you
Played me
Like a fiddle.
Where I was to naive
To care.

I'm sorry
I helped you,
It all seems
Like a waste now.

I'm sorry I couldn't
Be who you
Wanted me
To be.

I'm sorry that
I came across
To strong.

I'm sorry that
I cried when I
Thought I had
Done wrong.

I'm sorry I don't
Like your
Other friends
And being my
Friend wasn't
Worth it
In the end.

©️ Amanda Catherine

Two Peas (A Poem)

I look at you,

You look at me

Our bodies form

Some sweet bond

That we can't see. 

I think you're crazy, 

You think I'm odd

But together we are

Two peas in a pod.

©️Amanda Catherine

Little Scars: Chapter 4: Just A Little More Time

    Becca stands alone, because deep down she really is alone. It felt like everyone was against her. She asks Holly one more time

    "Who was that"? Holly rolls her eyes,

    "You wouldn't like the answer" she mumbles softly. Becca pins her against the wall and starts demanding answers, she had to know where her daughter was going and more importantly who with and... why. Holly starts laughing

    "You really are trying to hide you past aren't you? she says.

Becca steps back and puts her hands to her head in frustration,

    "I am not that person anymore!" She screams.

Silence and stares from everyone fill the air. Becca backs away and turns around and runs out the hotel lobby door. She falls to her knees and starts crying, she can't believe that this is happening all over again. She had run from this life, but it was always one step ahead of her. She has to find Ava, but she was running out of options and time.

    Ava gets out of the car and looks around. Her kidnapper stands next to her.

    "I never wanted to come back here" she says.

    "It was time" he says.

    "By the way my name is Ed" he says.

    "Such a simple name for a man who is claiming to be my worst nightmare" she says as she is smiling and walking away. She knew where she was, but the question that needed to be answered was why? Why after all these years was she brought back to here. The place that defined her in a way she hated. She looks up at the large brick building and sighs as she reads the sign "Belladonna Center for Lost Souls." She looks at her feet and kicks a rock into the building, she is frustrated and her mom is in the back of her mind. Ed starts to approach her as she slowly walk away, avoiding the inevitable was the only thing she could do at this point. Ed follow behind her and says

    "We can do this the hard way or the easy way, either way you will end up behind those walls  again."

    "I am just enjoying my last moments of solitude" she says.

    "Times up" he say as he grabs her and pulls her aggressively into the building. She looks back as the door slams behind her, the last view of sunshine she will get to see in a while.

©Amanda Catherine

Pretend (A Poem)

You made me feel bad
For something I
Didn't do.
You act like the victim
But are you really?

You are a manipulator
You can't control yourself
You lied,
Made me believe
You were something special
But you aren't.
I had faith in you,
Faith that you could
Be better than the
Look you put on.
I was wrong.

In a way I'm happy
That we no longer talk.
Happy that you
Go caught.
Happy that you
Have to explain yourself.
Happy that I don't
Have to pretend
Because this is
The end.

©Amanda Catherine

Time (A Poem)

Tick, tick, tick,
Time keeps going.
Pacing back and forth
Nervous racing.
Nothing would make him
More happy than
For time to stop.

This moment is more
Than he can take.
Reality hit him hard
And consequences
Are soon to come.
No one expected
This to happen.

All of the sudden
His life turned dark.
He lost all
he had ever
Known to some
Stupid mistake.
He can't take
It back now.
His only love
Was gone.

©Amanda Catherine

Rewind (A Poem)

I lay awake,
Thinking of what
To write.
You cross my mind,
Last night
I dreamt of you.
You kissed my forehead
Made me feel
Like everything
Was ok...
Is ok.

Life wasn't terrifying
It was a beautiful
Piece of mystery.
No reason to runaway,
Every reason to hit rewind.

©Amanda Catherine

If He Is Reading ( A Poem)

I he is reading,
I want things to
Go back to the
Way they were.

If he is reading,
You messed up,
But I know I
messed up to.

If he is reading, 
I am confused
And don't know
Where we stand.
Friends or acquaintances.

If he is reading,
You tried to
Manipulate me,
This i cannot forget,
But I can eventually forgive.

If he is reading,
You said sorry
And I believe you
But somehow things
Seem to messed up
For that to matter now.

©Amanda Catherine

Funny (A Poem)

I've always tried

To be something 

I am not. 

Like it was bad 

To be me

For some 

unknown reason. 

Lost, 

That's what I felt. 

Lost because 

No one really 

Knew me. 

Just the parts

I wanted them 

To see. 

Your so funny,

That's what they say. 

I try to let

This comment go

So my mind doesn't 

Go astray. 

I'm so funny 

With my 

Stupid remarks. 

So quick witted

Because I have

To be. 

I cannot let them see

The real me. 

Copyright: Amanda Catherine

Open Arms (A Poem)

It's been 28 years
Since I met you.
You welcomed me
Into this world with
Open arms.
Now I must
say goodbye to you
With open arms.

You showed me what
It meant love and
All the different ways
To have fun.
My life is going to
Be so much different
Without you here
With me.

My mind is gone.
I can't stop crying,
I just lie in bed
And imagine
Your image,
Your touch,
Your voice
Your laugh
And all the memories we share.

I want you back with me
But instead I fade
Back into reality of
What will never be. 

 

©️Amanda Catherine

Some Random Thoughts...

I am going to talk about something that I have never really talked about. You all read my posts and got to know my life, in ways most haven't been able to. I feel like I can open up on here and hopefully not get to much hate.

I've been thinking a lot about death lately, mainly because my grandpa is currently in hospice. It's amazing how fast life can go and how nothing ever really lasts forever.

Currently I have been battling with chronic depression and anxiety. When I was sexually assaulted my parents didn't do to much for me help wise... so the depression just gradually got worse and worse. Once I was an adult I was to embarrassed to admit to myself much less others that I was battling depression. I wanted to be as strong as everyone thought I was, even though I did not feel strong myself.


I started running away from my problems and acting like I was totally fine, even though deep down I wasn't and I am not sure I ever really was. I pushed everyone away who was close to me because it was to much to handle. If you notice in my poetry it is always about running, leaving or being alone, that is because that is seriously how I felt. I felt like I had to do or be those things. All my poetry is about life experiences, poetry became the one outlet that I could hold on and still hold on to. I have no other way to express my true feelings besides writing, so thank you guys for reading and hopefully relating to them.

I wish I was different a lot. I have never been comfortable in my own skin. When I was younger I was the weird one that everyone made fun of, until I started doing stupid things just to fit in. It worked, until I lost sight of who I really was. By the time I realized this I was to far gone and tangled in a web of high school drama with everything else I have talked about.

I don't really know why I wrote this, but maybe you all will have more of an insight about who I am and why my poetry and writings are sometimes so sad.

<3
Amanda

No Fear (A Poem)

Outside, under the 

city lights,

rain is pouring,

dogs are barking

as the thunder is

Booming.

Some run,

Some hide

Beneath covered 

buildings. 

Other wait, 

take a breath 

and start dancing.

No fear, 

just life

either way you 

look at it.

Just live. 

©Amanda Catherine

Be One (A Poem)

I run around living my life,

but deep down I know

my life is never

what I can make it

be.

Be,

what a silly phrase. 

What is it to really be? 

What is it to really be 

one?

One,

with myself,

with life,

with my emotions. 

One is just a number. 

You're never number one.

Bitch.

Bitch,

ah yes, the name I am 

constantly called by bullies,

bullies who think they know me.

Me, 

I am more then you know,

you are more than I know. 

Lets all just be one 

me. 

©Amanda Catherine

Little Scars: Chapter 3: Truth Exposed

Becca stands in the middle of the hotel lobby stunned. Does she run or does she approach this person?  After all it is one of her long lost friends, but they did not leave on good terms. Becca swallows her pride and goes over to say hello. She takes on step toward her and immediately regrets it. "After all these years who would have thought you and I would meet again in a crappy hotel lobby" her long lost friend Holly says. Becca doesn't say anything because she honestly didn't want to, she had more things to worry about. Aww, don't be shy, you can talk to me" Holly says. "I am just here to get a room, I don't want to start stuff with you" Becca says. Holly laughs, "I think you have more important things to worry about as your car just got taken." Becca turns around to see a man driving her car away with Ava still passed out in the backseat. "Who was that!!!" Becca screams expecting answers from anyone. No one answers, as she runs out the door after the car Holly yells "you better be careful with who you are messing with." Becca stops and turns around, Holly obviously knows what is up, the question is will she tell her and actually tell her the truth. 

Ava starts regaining conscious only to realize that there is a stranger driving her moms car. She pushes herself off the seat to sit up and says "who are you?" "I'm the person your mom has been trying to keep you from" he says. "I don't even know what you are talking about" she says "my mom would never do that." "Well, then do you know who I am" he says. Ava doesn't say anything because she has no idea. "Where are we going?" Ava says. "To the place you mother was trying to hide you from" he says. "I don't understand" she says, "who are you"? "Your mother would call me your worst nightmare but I guess it depends on how you look at things." he says. Ava tries to open the back door of the car to jump out but he grabbed her by her hair and pulled her back in. "That's the same crap your mother tried" he says "wow you are so predictable." Ava crunches up in the backseat trying to stay as far away as she can even though she knew it didn't matter. "We're almost there" he says. Ava looks outside and sees nothing but a dry dead landscape. Wherever they are going is no place she would want to be. They get further and further but yet close and closer they turn into a gate and all it says is 'You either live Or You Die'. All her memories starting coming back... she knew where she was and who she was...

To Be Continued...

Real (A Poem)

I try so hard to be me
but the real me has yet
to even be found.
I walk around like
I know what I am doing
but the reality is
I have no idea.
I just hope no one notices

Notices that I am an insecure,
hopeless, pessimistic that
is just trying to
get by in the world.
With the world at
my fingertips,
turning away at
opportunities
and chances
because that is
what I think I deserve.

©Amanda Catherine 

I Have A Secret...

I don't really even know why I am writing this but I figured some of you may want to know where I have been the last few months. It's not that I didn't want to write or not even that I didn't have ideas of what to write about. It's the fact of I no longer knew who I was writing to. When I first started blogging no one ever read my posts and then I started writing about my life and my posts started getting way more views than I had ever expected. But then me writing about my past events honestly made me so depressed I had no idea what to even do anymore. I wanted to write but I didn't want to be sad about it. I was trying to express myself and my life to others to make everyone reading not feel so alone but in return I had never felt more alone. I had to transport myself to those feelings I was trying so hard to avoid to get to raw essence of the situation I was trying to describe. In the end I had to decide whether or not I wanted to continue with the series. I tried, but they never turned out that good. No one read them and then I was just writing for what? My whole idea of why I was writing was completely gone, So I just stopped. 

I decided that what I needed to do was to get my life back on track, not that it really ever had a track to begin with, but it was worth a shot. The only problem was that my idea of getting my life back on track is working a lot. So much that I lost the idea of who I was trying to become. I want my life to have a meaning but honestly right know it has no meaning what so ever. People used to write me over my email and tell me that my poetry and my stories helped them get through rough times, or that I will be a best seller. My thought was a best seller of what? I don't know what I am doing. I will never be as good as them. But then I thought I was as good as them at one point, I just have to find that part inside of me that wanted to write, that wanted to have a purpose.

After I took a small break I started trying to write my life story again but I started thinking that no one will ever want to read what I have to say or what really happened to me. So I started writing things about my life that were not true. I was lying to all of you. I would write what happened and then make it 10 times worse than what it was in hopes that people would gain an interest again. That is never what I wanted to do, but more importantly that never even worked. After I did this I never wanted to write again until I could be truthful, so this is me being truthful. I was gone because I have no idea what I doing, I lied and I was writing for all the wrong reasons. I will start writing again but it is going to be really different. Mainly because I need to write for me. 

©Amanda Catherine

Little Scars: Chapter Two: Escape

Her mom shoves her discretely out the door, hoping no one sees them. Ava didn't know what to think, she kept hearing her mom mumble "what did I do. this is all my fault" over and over. This was not very reassuring to Ava's crumbling mental stability. Her mother takes her firmly by the hand and she takes Ava at a run down the hall toward the exit when a nurse rounds the corner, stopping them in their tracks with a "Is everything all right?"  Not knowing what to say, they don't say anything and bump past her, resuming their run, at least to the best of Ava's limited ability. This was not the easiest thing for her as the whole hospital was starting to spin, making her constantly bump into walls and people which makes the pair way more noticeable. As they approach the door that leads outside, Ava's doctor comes out of a room and spots the two of them. They desperately try to duck behind a hospital bed but it is useless, he is locked on. He walks over, feigning a casual smile that doesn't match with his stiff movements, intent on talking to them but he isn't aware that Ava's mom knows what he is trying to do. He has been planning to get back at Ava's mom because of a past breakup. The pair try to keep their cool, but he starts shoving them back to Ava's hospital room. They try to get around him but he slips in close to Ava and reaches into his pocket and pulls out a syringe and needle with some sort of white liquid in it and puts it against Ava's abdomen. Her mom tries to grab the doctor but he manages to step to the side at the last second sending her mother to the ground as he jabs the syringe into Ava's side depressing the plunger. With no where to go now her mom crawls to Ava on the floor and starts crying. Knowing that no one will help them she stays on the floor with Ava and puts her daughter's head in her lap rocking her back and forth. 

    "How could you do this, you monster!" Her mom yells at him. "What kind of person are you!" All he does is laugh and with a swirl of his lab coat, walks away his hands in his pocket hiding the empty syringe. It is becoming more obvious that this was an inside job. Her mom keeps insisting that they need to leave, but none of the staff arriving at Ava's crumpled form will allow them to leave in the state that she is in. Pretending to be overwhelmed at all the commotion of the ward her mother takes her chance when she thinks no one is looking and scoops Ava into a vacant wheel chair sitting in the hallway from an earlier patient and runs, runs as fast as she can through the exit before anyone can catch her. Not looking back but hearing everyone yelling at her to stop she continues and runs to their car that is parked a few blocks away. Once she gets the car she doesn't even think, she puts Ava in the backseat and starts the car and looks in the mirror to see all the staff running toward the car. "They are at least a block away" she thinks to herself. Putting the car in drive she leaves and speeds off as fast as she can. All that matters to her is getting Ava to safety. Once she hits the highway she doesn't know where to go, so she keeps driving, not caring what direction she is going hoping, the effects of the drug wear off soon. The further away she is from that man the better. 

Eventually she had to stop, she had been driving for hours and her eyes are starting to glaze over. Deciding to find a hotel room she exits the highway and goes to the furthest hotel from the highway, not wanting to take chances. As she pulls into the hotel parking lot and walks inside she finds an unsuspected person who she did not want to see. 

©Amanda Catherine