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Saturday, April 30, 2016

Where Friendship Goes Wrong: A True Story: School Stress

With the end of the school year coming Anna was super stressed about her current grades. She has a straight line of D's and F's in her classes. She knew that she could do better but she didn't the mental time to even try, she was constantly worried about everything. Most of her teachers didn't even bother teaching her anyways, she is always the difficult student. When she walked into her math class on the first day of the semester her teacher approached her and said "I've heard about you from your other teachers, how about I give you a D just to come to class because I don't want to deal with you." At that time Anna was so excited because that meant minimal effort on her part but now she is kicking herself for it. She wanted to learn, but it was easier to just slide by. It keeps her parents off her back and her teachers at ease.

She walked into her math class and walked up to her teacher who was sexist and says "do we still have a deal?" He nods and says "we'll talk after class." She goes and takes her seat and pulls out a piece of scrap paper to doodle on. She feels a tap on her shoulder and turns around it's David asking her if she needs any help on the homework, she says "no, I already did it." As she turns back around David grabs her notebook and says "no you didn't, lets work on it together." He opens it up and sees all of the undone homework and is in shock. All Anna can say "is don't worry, I have a deal with the ass hole teacher" and then mumbles to herself "as well as most of my other teachers." He tells her "that's not right." "Yeah well that's just the way it is with me. I'm the difficult one that everyone doesn't want to deal with." As he continues to go through her notebook, he finds all the stories and poems she has been writing. "You're good" he says, she looks at him and says you don't have to be nice... I know I'm not good at most things I try... at least that's what most people say." "Well I'm not lying" he says. She looks at him conspicuously, she wants to believe him but then doesn't all at the same time. He looks back at her and says "You know you can be good at something without people letting you slide by right"?

Anna never even thought about that before. She is always put into the special education classes because she has a stutter. She never understood why. In middle school Anna would watch her friends across the hall in the normal classes and wonder why she could never be included. As class ended and everyone left Anna was left sitting her chair waiting to see what her teacher had to say. Anna just kept giving him weird looks as he was picking up his desk. He finally walks over to her and says "well I know that you know that you a difficult but what can I expect since you are a girl." I will still honor giving you a D just as long I don't get you in class again next semester." Anna rolls her eyes and says "you do realize that you are the only teaching the class I need next semester right?" He leans onto her desk and all he says is "figure it out." 

©Amanda Catherine

Sunday, April 24, 2016

Where Friendship Goes Wrong: A True Story: My Life Now PT. 1

I don't do well with failure. My parents never taught me that failing is OK. This means that I don't try doing a lot of things. I used to be really good at guitar and I stopped because some mean girls told me I sucked. Trying to get back into it is one of the biggest challenges for me. I expect myself to be as good as I was 10 years ago and that's just not how things work.

My whole life I've taken the easy way around things. For example when I was in High School I had a few teachers approach me and say "I've heard about you from your other teachers. I'll just give you a D if you come to class because I don't want to deal with teaching you." At the time this seemed like an awesome deal, but now I don't know anything about the world. Yea, I have a career but until recently I didn't even know what WWI was fought over.

I'd like to say that my parents helped me with homework and hobbies but they didn't. My mom admitted that she didn't help me because she didn't want me being better at something than her. Aren't parents supposed to want nothing but the best for their children? Guess not. My dad's a mechanic and he gets mad at me for not knowing anything about cars, but he refuses to teach me because I am a girl.

I've gone my whole life thinking there is something wrong with me because I was always tossed aside. As I get older I see that it was just because I was to much trouble to help/ teach so everyone just gave up. What example does that set for anyone? Not a good one that's for sure.

I honestly just wanna look in the mirror and feel proud of the person staring back at me. But for some reason I don't and I don't think I ever will. I had so many goals that I have made that have fallen through due to crappy circumstances and I don't think I can ever forgive myself. I can never forgive myself for having crappy parents, for having teachers gave up on me, for having friends that treat me like crap because in the end everyone's excuse was "it's your fault."

©Amanda Catherine
This is another new story idea. Let me know if you like it.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Blink (A Poem)

In one blink everything was gone.
She stood alone in the doorway
wondering what went wrong.
She locks her fears away,
knowing her love will never decay.

Taking one step ahead
she knows she can never look back.
The past is the past,
although she will never forget. 

Losing him made her lose herself,
all that she had wanted to be. 
Glancing up at the ceiling,
she thinks to herself
where do I go from here? 

©Amanda Catherine

Monday, April 18, 2016

Corny Boyband Lyrics

If I told you that I loved you
Would you walk away?
Forget those words I never got to say.
If I told you that I loved you
Would you... Run away?

All my life I wished
you were by my side.
But now I find reasons to run and hide.
I bump into you everyday,
I stutter, mouth doesn't know what to say.
So I just look at you and run away.

One day I was looking at you
From across the hall when
You came up to me to say
Are you OK?
My heart's a flutter,
My mind is a blur.
It feels like I'm on a cloud,
About to float away.
When you look at me
And say goodbye.

This was my chance to say,
How I feel about you.
Today was the day.
I take a breath in and
Say I am ok, just not in the presence of you.

©Amanda Catherine
Boyband Lyrics with a twist. :)

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Where Friendship Goes Wrong: A True Story: Abuse & Death

Anna's life begins to haunt her while she starts to over think everything. She never thought that she would have been the act of someone trying to do a "good deed" or however you wanna look at it. She knew that it wasn't her fault, but she couldn't help to think that this was all her fault. She should have been more desirable, stable, and just all around OK. She knew or at least hoped that being damaged was acceptable, by someone. Everyone has flaws and that's OK, at least maybe... "being perfect is boring" she thinks to herself, as she sits alone on the park swing set. Talking to David made her second guess everything that she thought was so right in her life. Friends don't treat friends like dirt and make them feel small. Parents aren't supposed to make their kids feel like they can't do anything and it is definitely not acceptable to throw stuff and your daughter because you are mad. 

Anna's home life was getting a lot worse. She didn't know how to handle it, so she often decided to ignore it. If she didn't think about it, it wasn't happening. Anna's dad is becoming an addict, and that made his temper become worse. The worst incident was when he threw tools at her and her mom because he was mad while trying to do some repair work. That made her and her mom pack up their things and leave, to bad he never even noticed or cared. As Anna leans her head on the swing chain a tear runs down her cheek. Nothing in her life was normal, but then again what is? As Anna continues to ponder things she looks around the neighborhood and wonders if anyone's life is as crazy as hers. Ever since her mom and her went back home from leaving her dad she finds herself not wanting to be home a lot. The park swing became her place of peace or "fortress of solitude". 

Anna gets a text on her phone, she wants to ignore it but she decides to look at it. What she reads makes her fall off the swing. One of her childhood friends had died. He wasn't in her life to much now because he changed to much for them to still be friends. But she still can't overcome this flood of sadness that is taking over her. As she starts walking over to his house she keeps trying to think about what happened. As she approaches the door his brother comes outside her and tells her everything that happened. He had gotten into a high speed chase in a stolen car and got into a serious car accident that killed him. After telling her what happened he asked her to leave because things were so tense in the house. Anna can take a hint so she left. As she got to the end of the block she started crying her eyes out. She sits on the corner next to the gutter and composes herself before she makes the journey home. Her dad thinks that crying is stupid and annoying so if she came home crying who knows what he would say. 

©Amanda Catherine

I've been debating on writing about this for a while. I've been hinting at the problems with my dad for a while but I didn't know how to write about it. I hope that no one thinks of my dad as a bad person, as he did over come his addiction. But this is to much apart of my life for me to not write about. No more hiding, acting like it didn't happen. This is it. This is as real as it gets. 
<3 MandAnna

(pardon the grammar mistakes if there are any.)

She Will Soar (A Poem)

As she is walking through the
sharply bladed grass she
realizes she is alone.

The sky is blue
the sun is shining
but no one seems to be found.

Birds fly over the trees
strong and powerful
like she wishes she could be.
With no fear inside her
she will soar
be strong like she never was before

She has the world
at her fingertips.
No one can
stop her now,
she will be everything
she ever wanted and more.
 She will soar.
©Amanda Catherine

Monday, April 11, 2016

Destiny (A Poem)

Help! The young girl cried
As her attacker came closer
looking at her with a violent stare.
He moves closer and closer into her sight.
Fists go up he stands tall
grabbing her as she starts to fall.
She tries to run away only to see,
See that girl she wanted to be.
Within herself she finds her strength
To give all that she can take.
Never looking back she pushed him
with all her might and ran.
Ran away and never looked back.
Fearing only the worst she stayed silent.
No one would hear of this night.
This night where she conquered her fear
and became the hero of her own destiny.
©Amanda Catherine

Friday, April 1, 2016

Stand (A Poem)

I just want to be better
than who I was before.
As I walk through that open door
The light floods me.

I've made some mistakes,
Some have gone to far
But in the end these
Are the steps I leave behind me.
They are not straight,
Some I have taken to far
But each step is a journey to find
Where I belong.

I have delt with sadness, happiness and joy
But all these emotions have
made me strong.
Strong enough to not be afraid
Of who I am, but to embrace my true self.
I am not perfect, but I try.
I am not strong but you cannot
tell me otherwise.

With all that I have gone through
I feel like I am a brick wall
And cannot be torn down.
I will stand tall,
Even if I have nothing to stand for at all.

©Amanda Catherine