I Have A Secret...

I don't really even know why I am writing this but I figured some of you may want to know where I have been the last few months. It's not that I didn't want to write or not even that I didn't have ideas of what to write about. It's the fact of I no longer knew who I was writing to. When I first started blogging no one ever read my posts and then I started writing about my life and my posts started getting way more views than I had ever expected. But then me writing about my past events honestly made me so depressed I had no idea what to even do anymore. I wanted to write but I didn't want to be sad about it. I was trying to express myself and my life to others to make everyone reading not feel so alone but in return I had never felt more alone. I had to transport myself to those feelings I was trying so hard to avoid to get to raw essence of the situation I was trying to describe. In the end I had to decide whether or not I wanted to continue with the series. I tried, but they never turned out that good. No one read them and then I was just writing for what? My whole idea of why I was writing was completely gone, So I just stopped. 

I decided that what I needed to do was to get my life back on track, not that it really ever had a track to begin with, but it was worth a shot. The only problem was that my idea of getting my life back on track is working a lot. So much that I lost the idea of who I was trying to become. I want my life to have a meaning but honestly right know it has no meaning what so ever. People used to write me over my email and tell me that my poetry and my stories helped them get through rough times, or that I will be a best seller. My thought was a best seller of what? I don't know what I am doing. I will never be as good as them. But then I thought I was as good as them at one point, I just have to find that part inside of me that wanted to write, that wanted to have a purpose.

After I took a small break I started trying to write my life story again but I started thinking that no one will ever want to read what I have to say or what really happened to me. So I started writing things about my life that were not true. I was lying to all of you. I would write what happened and then make it 10 times worse than what it was in hopes that people would gain an interest again. That is never what I wanted to do, but more importantly that never even worked. After I did this I never wanted to write again until I could be truthful, so this is me being truthful. I was gone because I have no idea what I doing, I lied and I was writing for all the wrong reasons. I will start writing again but it is going to be really different. Mainly because I need to write for me. 

©Amanda Catherine