Where Friendship Goes Wrong: A True Story: Abuse & Death

Anna's life begins to haunt her while she starts to over think everything. She never thought that she would have been the act of someone trying to do a "good deed" or however you wanna look at it. She knew that it wasn't her fault, but she couldn't help to think that this was all her fault. She should have been more desirable, stable, and just all around OK. She knew or at least hoped that being damaged was acceptable, by someone. Everyone has flaws and that's OK, at least maybe... "being perfect is boring" she thinks to herself, as she sits alone on the park swing set. Talking to David made her second guess everything that she thought was so right in her life. Friends don't treat friends like dirt and make them feel small. Parents aren't supposed to make their kids feel like they can't do anything and it is definitely not acceptable to throw stuff and your daughter because you are mad. 

Anna's home life was getting a lot worse. She didn't know how to handle it, so she often decided to ignore it. If she didn't think about it, it wasn't happening. Anna's dad is becoming an addict, and that made his temper become worse. The worst incident was when he threw tools at her and her mom because he was mad while trying to do some repair work. That made her and her mom pack up their things and leave, to bad he never even noticed or cared. As Anna leans her head on the swing chain a tear runs down her cheek. Nothing in her life was normal, but then again what is? As Anna continues to ponder things she looks around the neighborhood and wonders if anyone's life is as crazy as hers. Ever since her mom and her went back home from leaving her dad she finds herself not wanting to be home a lot. The park swing became her place of peace or "fortress of solitude". 

Anna gets a text on her phone, she wants to ignore it but she decides to look at it. What she reads makes her fall off the swing. One of her childhood friends had died. He wasn't in her life to much now because he changed to much for them to still be friends. But she still can't overcome this flood of sadness that is taking over her. As she starts walking over to his house she keeps trying to think about what happened. As she approaches the door his brother comes outside her and tells her everything that happened. He had gotten into a high speed chase in a stolen car and got into a serious car accident that killed him. After telling her what happened he asked her to leave because things were so tense in the house. Anna can take a hint so she left. As she got to the end of the block she started crying her eyes out. She sits on the corner next to the gutter and composes herself before she makes the journey home. Her dad thinks that crying is stupid and annoying so if she came home crying who knows what he would say. 

©Amanda Catherine

I've been debating on writing about this for a while. I've been hinting at the problems with my dad for a while but I didn't know how to write about it. I hope that no one thinks of my dad as a bad person, as he did over come his addiction. But this is to much apart of my life for me to not write about. No more hiding, acting like it didn't happen. This is it. This is as real as it gets. 

<3 MandAnna

(pardon the grammar mistakes if there are any.)

<3

She Will Soar (A Poem)

As she is walking through the

sharply bladed grass she

realizes she is alone.

The sky is blue

the sun is shining

but no one seems to be found.

Birds fly over the trees

strong and powerful

like she wishes she could be.

With no fear inside her

she will soar

be strong like she never was before

She has the world

at her fingertips.

No one can

stop her now,

she will be everything

she ever wanted and more.

 She will soar.

©Amanda Catherine

Destiny (A Poem)

Help! The young girl cried
As her attacker came closer
looking at her with a violent stare.
He moves closer and closer into her sight.
Fists go up he stands tall
grabbing her as she starts to fall.
She tries to run away only to see,
See that girl she wanted to be.
Within herself she finds her strength
To give all that she can take.
Never looking back she pushed him
with all her might and ran.
Ran away and never looked back.
Fearing only the worst she stayed silent.
No one would hear of this night.
This night where she conquered her fear
and became the hero of her own destiny.
©Amanda Catherine

Stand (A Poem)

I just want to be better
than who I was before.
As I walk through that open door
The light floods me.

I've made some mistakes,
Some have gone to far
But in the end these
Are the steps I leave behind me.
They are not straight,
Some I have taken to far
But each step is a journey to find
Where I belong.

I have delt with sadness, happiness and joy
But all these emotions have
made me strong.
Strong enough to not be afraid
Of who I am, but to embrace my true self.
I am not perfect, but I try.
I am not strong but you cannot
tell me otherwise.

With all that I have gone through
I feel like I am a brick wall
And cannot be torn down.
I will stand tall,
Even if I have nothing to stand for at all.

©Amanda Catherine

The beauty within you and me

I’m not like you,

you’re not like me.

We both just want to be

who we want to be. 

We all feel lost, 

we all feel alone.

We will live our lives

and get stories of our own.

We all feel love,

we all feel despair.

We all want a taste of love so rare. 

In this life I hope you see 

the beauty that is within you and me.

©Amanda Catherine

Where Friendship Goes Wrong: A True Story: Pretend Romance

Anna stood in stunned silence, she couldn't believe that she actually did what she did. She looked at the 2 boys on the floor and looked up at her friends. Her only thoughts were "I hope they are ok" and "I am going to be in so much trouble for this." She starts to help the 2 guys up but they want nothing to do with her, can't say she blames them. As they both got up off the floor they both looked fine, just a few bruises, but those would eventually heal. They both look at Anna and call her a crazy bitch as the walk away. Anna turns to her friends and walks directly past them. There faces said all that they needed to know. Anna continues walking and thinking to herself about how much she needed to change but how she had no clue how. She figured one way to change would be to actually go to class so she goes and grabs her school books from her locker. On her way to class she bumps into David, they guy that was helping her in math that she also has a secret crush on. She smiles at him and continues walking. As she walks past him he grabs her and pulls her back to him. He looks her directly in the eye and says "Are you ok'? She send off a little chuckle and says "When have I ever been ok?" He tries to stop her as she attempts to leave again and says "I'm here." 

She knew that a lot of people were always there to talk to but the problem was how much judgement came from her talking to them. She already had enough problems with liking herself much less adding everyone else's judgment to the mix. But for some odd reason she trusted David. She looked at him and said "Can I talk to you on the way home from school?" She knew he would shed some light on her whole situation that she needed to see. He didn't say anything back all he did was nod his head. For some reason that made Anna smile. As Anna walks away from David she bumps into Ashton. Apparently he was really upset about the thing that happened earlier. He grabs Anna and pulls her into the stairwell. She leans up against the railing and says "ok what is it?" Ashton looks at her and says "I can no longer pretend to be interested in you. Jenny asked me to in hopes of making you feel better but you are way to crazy and I no longer want to apart of it. We are through." He leaves and Anna is still in the stairwell. She had no clue what to do. Does she cry? Does she feel relieved? Or does she.... and then it hit her. Jenny made him act interested in her because she felt nobody was or ever would be. That was the most messed up thing anyone has ever done, besides the whole thing with Lincoln. She decides the leave the stairwell and go to class. She wasn't to upset about the whole thing because there was apparently nothing there. She couldn't wait to get on the bus and tell David all about it. 

©Amanda Catherine

Firsts

What was your first car? My first car was a 93 Subaru impreza, and it's still running today! 

Who was the first person who you cared more about their well being than your own? My mom, we have our moments but we always figure things out.

when was the first time you got stitches? I was 7 and I got them on the back of my head from banging my head on the bottom of a table. I remember I was sad for weeks because it was summer and I couldn't go swimming. The camp counselor of the YMCA I was at for "daycare" felt bad so she would always buy me candy. :) 

When was the first time you stayed up all night and watched the sunrise? It was my 16th birthday, I didn't want to miss a single part of that day. 

What was the first thing you learned to cook? A grilled cheese, it took me a while, I never messed up the grilled cheese but I would leave my spatula on the burner, it was a never ending mess. 

What was your first paying job? It was at a vet kennel. I had volunteered there for so long that when I turned 16 they automatically offered me a job. 

When was the first time you flew on an airplane? I don't remember my exact age, but I do know that I was little because my mom said that everyone was happy because I didn't cry the whole time. 

What was the first concert you went to see? Stevie Nicks at Red Rocks on my 16th birthday 

What was the first professional sporting event you went to?The Colorado Avalanche, my dad got 3 tickets through his work so my whole family was able to attend. 

How old were you when you first left home? 21, I moved to Minnesota. That was the scariest thing I have ever done but I wouldn't take it back for anything. I learned so much about myself.

When you the first time you cut class? 14, I never really wanted to be in class. 

How old where you when you had your first kiss? 15, it was in a game of truth or dare in my guitar class that I had at school.

How old where you when you got your first computer? I got my parents old old old hp that took an hour to start up. When I got this I was about 14. After that thing finally died I got my very own laptop that I bought myself at 18.

When was the first time you stood up for your self? I was in elementary school, I didn't like how the teacher wouldn't let me go to the bathroom so I stood up in front of the class and said "I really have to go so you let me go or I am telling on you" which as we all know telling on someone is a very big deal. :)